When I was young, growing up, my parents were very strict and were quick to hit and belittle me. My reaction was to be quite and take it, even if I didn't do what I was being accused of. I was scared of them. I was given many chores, made to stay home and babysit (to this day I don't know where my mother used to go)cooking and cleaning. Just some background information. Never got great grades in school.

After I had my son, I kept getting nervous sick. I started going to Adult Children of Alcoholics Meetings. I began to understand that I didn't know how to raise my son because I didn't want to raise him the way I was raised (hence the spoiled child) At these meetings, I realize many things, the main being I didn't have to be so insecure.

Now, unfortunately, I have come to realize that I am negative and sarcastic. That was how I handle things now and it isn't any better. Unfortunately, Gary has taken after me. If Glenn says or does something I don't like, instead of dealing with it, I'm quite about it and then become sarcastic. I think I get in that mode when I feel like I'm being treated unfairly and want to get back.

I work three days a week and the boss once mentioned that he liked that because I pointed things out that they miss seeing it everyday. But then they say I'm always negative. A fellow employee got upset about the way I handled something today that made her look bad. When I asked the manager how it could have been handled differently, he was telling me the answer to what the customer's problem was and not how I could have handled it better for the employee. She was wrong so how could I have made it look okay in everyone's eyes. He couldn't understand what I was asking. Guess I was being negative again.

In my goat club, we had a meeting and forms were sent out for sponsors and members. I thought it was a little rough and tweeked it a bit and sent it back saying stuff like, "I know you worked hard on this" "I don't think I could do your job" Stuff so I wouldn't step on toes (it really did look like she threw it together) She wrote back that the computer deleted my copy and the board already accepted it so I would have to wait until next year to change it. She sounded annoyed but then again, how can you tell in e-mail. I do volunteer alot for things so it's not like I'm always trying to tell people what to do or anything. I help alot.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I have a dry sense of humor and play argue alot. Some people don't know when I'm serious or not. Gary even mentioned that I sometimes seem nasty.

Anyway, this has put me in a little depression. How does one go about changing their attitude? I'd like to see a professional to try to work through it but how do you find someone good? I wanted to bring Gary someplace once. I met the Physciologist and liked him until he started telling me about another client he had...IN DETAIL!! So much for confedentiality. I know this other woman who has trouble controlling her son and asks my advice. She is a family counseler no less.

Think if I lay on the couch now, typing this, it will help? Well, I think it has helped a bit to get it off my chest. Thanks guys for listening.

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2004

Answers

Dee! Good for you for discovering this about yourself. I have to tell you that I identify with a *lot* of what you have written. I was amazed to find out that people once perceived me as negative, too. I thought I was just being "me"!

I spent the first half of my life being negative, sarcastic, and bitter. I used to rip people apart with my words. I was pretty unhappy. I have been working the latter half of my life (so far) working on NOT being negative. The great news is that it's all learnable. The other great news is it feels so good to make the change. Really.

All therapists are not like the psychologist you describe. I've got friends that are therapists, and I've benefitted from therapy at a couple of times in my life (I can't recommend it highly enough, actually). Keep looking. Confidentiality is crucial, especially for those of us who have issues trusting people. Perhaps the psychologist was just trying to make you "relax" by seeming to be more chatty (sounds like a very inappropriate strategy). And counselors sometimes have problems, too (they are human). Perhaps the one who asks for your advice thinks you have some good ideas!

I'm running late for work so I gotta go right now. I'll check back later.

Blessings to you.

-- Anonymous, June 10, 2004

Me too. Sigh.

I've tried to learn how to control it; and I think I do pretty good most of the time. Try counting to ten before you speak. If that doesn't work, count to 100! (Me, I need to count to 1,000; because by that time the people are out of range!) Say it in your head first, to make sure it's okay. Or do what I do, and tell yourself in your mind just to shut the heck up. Unfortunately, my facial expression often lets people know what I'm not saying. I do much better with patients than with other people tho.

-- Anonymous, June 10, 2004

I have a very snarky sense of humor and my DH tends to be the butt of the joke. Everyone would say "Poor Richard" because I was so "mean". He would get mad when I would interfere or nag (as he put it..I would call it being helpful ;o) ). So, when I was feeling rather run down and blue for awhile, I just stopped. I bit my tongue constantly and would just agree with him to stay out of a bicker match because I was so tired of being the mean one..the nag..etc. This went on for quite awhile and I was actually beginning to enjoy the tranquility when DH noticed. He began setting himself up for a sharp sarcastic remark (funny not MEAN) and I wouldn't go for the jugular. He'd do something and I would stay out of it. Finally he said "Whats going on!!? Are you sick??" no " Are you having an affair??!" get real "You've lost your edge!! You're scaring me!! Stop it!" He found the "nice" me way too boring. So now when I get the "aww, poor Richard! You're so mean..so terrible to mock him so mercilessly" I just grin and say "Hey! I tried being nice! He got bored!" Not my fault if he's a masochist! :o) As for depression and anger management, Paxil is workin' grrrreeeat!!! Outside the home I try to be nice until stupid people just P me off. Hugs Dee, you ain't so bad! You're just human and thats pretty great. Learning the problem is a huge step! You go girl!

-- Anonymous, June 10, 2004

Thats why we have hunting and fishing. Relaxation and you get to kill something without being charged with murder.

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2004

I weed the garden for the same reason, Jay. Sometimes, I give the big ugly weeds names. Right before I yank them out of the ground and toss them in a pile to die.

I call it therapy....

-- Anonymous, June 13, 2004

No wonder gardening is the most popular "hobby"!

I love to listen to the birds while I'm gardening, and if I'm lucky, the sound of water trickling. That is the most therapeutic for me (and yup, I love yankin out those weeds, too!).

While I don't hunt, I do enjoy the rigors of walking in the woods, up a mountain side or whatever, especially to get a good view: either mountains, some other grand vista, or a tiny bird that I've wanted to see.

Guess Nature is just therapy indeed.

-- Anonymous, June 13, 2004

I'm feeling better now guys. Thanks

-- Anonymous, June 13, 2004

Do you really, Dee? Or, are you being sarcastic, and we just aren't picking up on it?!

That's a joke by the way. I figure if we've got this many people in one place, who admit their cocncerns with their behavior, and we can still all stand one another - hey, we must not be so bad after all!

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2004

Nope, really feeling better. Still should look for someone to talk to professionally though

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2004

Polly, you nailed it. We really must not be so bad after all!

Dee, glad you are feeling better.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2004

Wow, great thread. Who would have guessed sweet sheepish was a sarcastic negative person! Well I can relate too, cuz I was exactly the same way when I was young. I only started doing real work on myself in my 40's, discovering where my pain was coming from, learning how to forgive without excusing, learning compassion and real empathy. Learning that anger always comes from fear,and not only constantly reminding myself of that about others, but remembering on a daily basis that when I feel myself becoming angry, taking some time to figure out what I'm feeling afraid of.

I have a very sharp tongue, learned well at my mother's knee and perfected on my own, but I seldom use it anymore. It's of course counterproductive to anything constructive in the lives of myself or those I encounter, but it was extremely hard work to reprogram myself to expressing kindness to those whom I found irritating or mean. Still a work in progress, I guess that's why we're here, and Dee, some of us here just have the advantage of more years of practice!

I think the most important thing to keep in mind when really beginning one's own interior work is that the real you is perfect and whole and absolutely fabulous! It's all that stuff that others throw our way throughout life that covers up that basic truth, and our job is to peel away those layers of lies about ourselves to rediscover the real beauty and peace within. It's really an exciting, wonderful, fascinating adventure!

Hugs,

-- Anonymous, June 16, 2004

That's why I play Dungeons & Dragons, I can give the monsters names before I kill them. :)

I tend to get very quiet and internalize everything instead of verbalizing it. So you'd all better be nice to me or else I'll cry!

-- Anonymous, June 16, 2004

Earthmama,

Sometimes just for the halibut, I'll read some of the comments from my teachers on my old report cards...that reminds me of how I used to be! My parents were having some really rough times when I was in high school, so as eldest child I got to play the acting-out role (i.e., getting kicked out of school, creative drug and alcohol abuse, absurd risk taking, fights even!). Shudder......! What a mess. Fortunately I was still academically okay. However, when I got to college, my bravado faded fast (I was terribly intimidated by all the *smart* people!) so then I really revved up the sarcasm and attitude to cope. Shudder again.....!

It's taken a lot of effort (and yeah, courage...tooting my own horn, here) to get it more or less together. But it surely can be done.

Your poster child for change,

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2004

So what did your teachers write on your report cards, Sheepish?! Mine always wrote "Polly is not working up to her level of ability". Yeah? So, who does, I wanna know?!

Sarcasm and attitude, huh? I have noted that I revert to that when I am tired. Not just physically I wanna go to bed and sleep for a week tired, but tired of people, tired of places, tired of whatever. I think that's why I love the net so much. If I'm not feeling nice, I don't have to BE nice right then. I can click off the net and go do something healing; then come back when I am ready for human (ether) contact again. And when I am feeling all warm and fuzzy and love everyone, I can make contact here, but not have to worry about lunches or phone calls or shaving my legs or catching a social disease or something.

I wonder if the fact that I prefer communicating through this electronic box is a way of isolating myself? Or if it is a way of keeping myself sane? I spend so much time in intense emotional contact with actual physical people, that it is sometimes a relief to be able to just come on here and type away at things that I don't want to discuss with "real" people. I want time to form my answers, to think before I speak; or the freedom not to do so, and not have to worry about someone coming over and burning my house down next week! (Tho I think I've only been really bitchy a few times, and not ever to that extent!)

I do find myself "code-switching" though; and that worries me a bit. That's where you have a certain language or way of acting around one group, and a different one for a different group - like teen-agers with their friends or with their grandparents. On this board, I am more free than anywhere else. On today's homestead, I let my hick side show; whereas, on Gardenweb, I strive to be more articulate and, what?, intellectual? Are they all three, me? Our resident shrink doesn't believe in multiple personality disorder, so where does that leave me?! Normal, perhaps? Do you all do that?

Well, enough rambling. I'm off tonight, and am tired so I am heading for bed, to send some healing thoughts toward Marcia, Mike, Morgan and Harry before I go to sleep. G'night all...

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2004

Polly I think that there are very few people who can wear the same face in every situation. Maybe the Dalai Lama or someone like that. Part of me thinks that it might be healthy to have one's life be more internally consistent, but another part of me thinks that it might be really boring. It can be hard when the worlds collide though, for example when I have to deal with the FDA while the libertarian/anarchist side of me thinks that the entire agency is a waste of air. That's actually one of the reasons why I'm taking a demotion to leave the regulatory affairs dept. and go back to customer training (that and the fact that my boss is such a large ass- hat he qualifies as an ass-sombrero!) I think it's ok to have different faces, as long as the different faces don't force you to compromise your internal values.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2004