Please tell me it gets better!!!!!!!!!!!! I know not till she over 21 and out of the house!!!! Oh boy my DD is gonna keep me on my toes. She 13 and all of a sudden her attitude has caught up with her age. One day a sweet girl the next a B*tch(her Dads words and boy does that explain her!!LOLOL)

We talked to her made sure it's nothing going on (NO) and we just come to the conclusion she finally is a..........TEENAGER LOL LOL

Just writing this makes me feel much better! When she moved in with us a year ago I never dream she would be moody hateful and down right pain in my *ss, but she finally isall the above.Do I still love her H*LL yes but hey I'm the only B*tch in this house!!!

Make me think back to my teenager years and I still don't remember being this bad, even Mom agreed. But she assured us it's the new generation, most act this way. LORD help us till she has out grown this!!!!!LOL LOL

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest!

Blessings, Sandy

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2003

Answers

Is there an echo in this room? Seems like you and I are the only ones "home" :-)!!

My son is all grown up now...he's 30! Wow!! I'm OLD! But I remember the early teens well. Don't worry, it'll get better. It's a tricky time for you. You want your 13 yr. old to be comfortable enough to confide in you...as a friend...BUT you have to keep yourself above that. Do ya know what I mean?!! In other words, she still must have that respect for you...as a parent Good luck!!

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2003

Ha! My tammy was this sweet little thing that loved her daddy sooo much! Could'nt wait to see me come home so she could stand on my feet and dance with me across the room!! The great years. THEN 13!!!! One day this MONSTER shows up with make-up smeared all over her face!! The next 5 years were HELL!!!!!!!! Then one day when she was 19 or so I came back in favor. Overnight she loved me again. Now shes 35 and runs a very successful horse ranch and can't wait to spend her vacation with me everyear.

So the moral of the story is hope may be only 5 years or so away....Maybe....Hang-in Sandy.....Kirk

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2003

Thanks Kirk and Marcia!! I no one day I'll wake up and this will all be over with but please hurry!!!!LOL

I so want to be her friend since her Mom really isn't and we've had a wonderful relationship till this.We try to give her what see wants within reason and try not to spoil her but with the things she went through with her mom and step-dad you want to spend all the money in the world to make her get her convidense(SP) back without her thinking we are spoiling her rotten!!

I dread the day she comes home and says she's ready to date!!!!!!!!!!!LOL

Blessings, Sandy

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2003

Y'all getting me scared again . . . my daughter's only 17 months and you are telling me she's going to change into some kind of ogre? Man, I better get my hugs while I can . . . talk to you later. :^)

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2003

I know, you probably want me to just shut up and keep out of this one cuz I'm always bragging about my teens and it irritates people. ("well aren't YOU just special??") :)

OTOH, we musta done somethin right! I have conferred with Ali on this, and these are our four cents, FWIW:

If she has displayed a sudden change in behaviour, you were right to ask what was going on, cuz that's a pretty good indicator that something is. She may very well not tell you guys though if she doesn't feel safe doing so. In other words, she may lie because she is afraid of telling the truth, for any number of reasons, but most commonly cus it will get her in trouble or she will risk your wrath or even just your disappointment in her. Kids won't tell you the truth if they have done so in the past and received a negative reaction.

As you know, I am not among those who believe that teenagers naturally go through a period of obnoxious behaviour. I think it is learned, that we are all programmed to believe it to be a truth, and behave accordingly. That said, that kind of pressure, especially in school, is a very powerful thing. If you believe that teens will behave badly, and she believes the same thing, what else could possibly happen? :)

I know you have a situation there entirely different than mine, and it's easy for me to give lofty advice! The fact that it sounds as if her mother/stepdad had considerable negative influence on her is a factor I am sure; it very probably affected her self-image, and girls at that age often have lots of trouble with self esteem issues, especially if they go to school and come from traumatic family situations. The media culture doesn't help of course. I always was very strict about what my kids were allowed to watch for entertainment (otherwise I was a very permissive parent). They were not exposed to media that contained gratuitous violence or profanity, or plots and scenes that treated teen sexuality or teenage angst as an expected behaviour. It worked beautifully for me.

I am also not one of those people who believe you cannot be friends with your children. Of course your situation of suddenly becoming a mom is a difficult one, and my advice may be useless! But my kids and I are great friends, and I truly feel we always will be. My whole 'secret' to successful parenting centers around respect. I really don't think most parents treat their children with respect, and then seem surprised when the kids don't display it! Kids learn respect, both for themselves and for others, by being treated with respect. They need to know their views and talents are valued, that their particular quirks and differences are not regarded as faults or something mom and dad disapprove of or are disappointed in. They are very perceptive about this, and kids, no matter how old, have an innate desire to please us, whether it seems that way or not! They need to feel they are ok just the way they are, and where 'improvement' is occassionally warranted, it is only pointed out because those who love them suggest it may make the child happier, not because it would make the parent more comfortable, and is brought up as a point of discussion, rather than a lecture from on high. Kids are unique individuals, just like the rest of us, and they need to be constantly and sincerely reminded, so that they truly believe it, how wonderful they are, how much they have to contribute to the world in their own unique way, and how a joyful life doesn't come from living it to please others, but finding their real sacred self and expressing it as they were meant to do.

Parenting, teens especially, means a lot more listening than it does talking, except where talking involves telling them your own secrets, your own faults and foibles, your own history of both messing up and fond memories. When a parent makes themself vulnerable to a child, the child will feel safer to make herself vulnerable to you. Ask lots of gentle, truly interested questions, get to know her hopes and dreams and fears, help in any way you can to aid her in expressing her talents, her interests, no matter how bizarre they might be. (how's a rock star for bizzarro?:) Listen, listen, listen, she may amaze you with what is inside her.

Prayin for ya here, Sandy!

Love,

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2003

J.R.....Don't you worry! Just let your wife do all the work!!!! Ha! Thats how I would have done it. Then if things get ugly you can say stuff like," Damn dear your YOU are sure screwing her up"! Then pop a suds and hide in the garage!!!! I had no one to blame it on darn it! When Tam came out in May I did happen to mention I must have done a terrific job given she's so succesful! She laughted so hard stuff came out her nose!!! Un-grateful #@&(^.....

Good job E.M.!!! Nice to see someone knows what ther're doin!! Except for the listening part. I'd rather take a beating than listen to a teenage!!!!!!!!!!!Ha!.....Kirk

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2003

My son drives me crazy because he believes he's always right, no matter what. Sometimes I think that he hears the beginning of something and not then end. Kinda like he's thinking of how to do it and misses the last of the instructions. Then he'll argue that I never told him. Also, he feels everyone owes him something and I'm having a hard time trying to get to him on that one.

I have always been able to talk to him in the car. I take him to and from school. It gives us one on one time.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2003

Dee, it's great you have an environment where you can talk to your son with more success!

If you say he always thinks he's right, perhaps it would be good to try to avoid letting things become a contest, to avoid having someone 'be right' or to win. I think this creates a battle that stops communication, certainly stops listening on both sides, cuz we get all tied up in wanting to win, humans that we are. To 'win' means someone has to lose, and ain't nobody wants to do that. Better to have a scenario where everyone feels equally heard, even if you don't agree. Asking him why he thinks he's 'right' about whatever, and really listening to his reasoning might help? And gently explaining to him what YOUR reasoning is, why you feel the way you do, and wondering if you cannot work out a compromise, like you would with an adult coworker. I dunno of course, but he might be wanting to be 'right' because he needs to stand his ground in order to keep from feeling overwhelmed by your power, and feel he isn't able to find his own.We all need to feel powerful, and when kids feel disempowered, which they often do in our culture, they may act out in ways that FEEL powerful in the moment. Course they arent authentic power, which has to come from within, from knowing regardless of what people say or think that they have all the real power they need at their disposal.

Kirk, you sound like you was havin a real good time last night!! :)

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2003

EM, Tried that today. We had an argument over our new digital camera. The one we bought was suppose to have a recharging port available but we couldn't find it anywhere and the store said that they were upgrading and the old cameras would no longer fit.

I asked him to look up the Kodak phone number because I wanted to talk to someone before going to a different store. I also asked him to write down the name of our camera and the name of the port. He asked in a "boy, you are stupid" voice of, "Can't you remember?" Then I came over and looked in the paperwork and at the same time asked him to hook up to the site to try to find a phone number. I found it and told him so as I walked to the phone. Then I said, "Are you still on line?" He knew what I was doing and why but his answer was that he was hooking up to the site. THEN he said, "You mean you made me stop playing my game for nothing?"

I blew a gasket. Later, after I calmed down, he asked me if I could understand his point. I told him to tell me it and he did. I then went to tell him my point which he kept interruping until I blew up again and informed him he had his chance to talk, now give me mine.

Like I said, I really think that he hears the first part of what I am saying then misses the rest, then argues that I never told him.

He still insisted he was right because he almost won the level on the game he was playing. I informed him that from now on we won't do anything so that he could play his games as much as he wants. He then got upset about that because I always do that to him.

He later told me he loved me but I know that he does that to get me to stop being mad at him. He once told me he apologizes to my husband even if he feels he's not wrong just so he won't be mad at him.

Another thing he does is if something say comes damaged from the store he starts sprouting that they should give it to us for free because of the inconvience they caused. Or we could sue for that. All very negative. I tried to get him to talk to a counsel service they offered at school but when the counselor talked to me, he thought I was nuts for having my son see him. "He's an intelligent, well rounded individual. blah, blah, blah...."

Any ideas how to get him out of that I'm always right mode? I'm afraid that he will go out into the real world and not make it because of that attitude.

Have I mentioned that he will be 16 next month?

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2003

To get him out the need to be right, he has to feel that those around him aren't trying to 'be right' either. If a kid feels that his feelings and opinions are not honored, he will fight at every turn to assert himself. A change in attitude on anyone's part doesn't happen overnight of course; it takes some work to get out of old patterns. He has to be convinced, which takes time, that he is truly being respected, by the behaviour of those around him.

Thanks for the detail on your episode with your son, Dee. It helps to picture the dynamic going on between you. It sounds like a pretty typical power struggle to me. It takes two to argue, so don't participate in arguements with him. For instance, when you feel yourself getting irritated, picture something terrible happening to him, like a car wreck. You will instantly remember how precious he is to you, and how you would feel if anything really happened to him, and it will help you soften, which is necessary for communication. After you have taken a breath, replace anger with humor.

Example: when he said to you,"can't you remember??"(with attitude), instead of letting it push your buttons, agree with him. Laugh at yourself and say something like, "You know I really can't! Guess I'm getting senile!" Making yourself look vulnerable and human will make him feel warmer towards you and less apt to want to say something back to hurt you; defensiveness on the other hand never leads anywhere good. Again, when he said 'you mean you made me stop playing my game for nothing?" you might try just apologizing.

Now the bit about his interrupting when you are talking. Interrupting is something that drives me bonkers; my parents do it all the time, always did. Bren does it too. ARRRGHHH!! I don't think it's acceptable; it's disrespectful and annoying as hell. (can you tell it pushes my buttons?!) Interrupting is one of those things that occurs because people don't know how to listen properly to each other. they are too busy, as you say, preparing their next speech and arent paying attention to yours. People usually do this I think cuz they feel insecure about their position and are afraid that if they don't spew out their next brilliant statement they will lose it. They don't have confidence in their ability to produce reasonable arguement natually as issues come up, and they have a real need to be right. Again, it's a power thing. A feeling of powerlessness. That's an explanation, btw, not an excuse! So what do we do about it?

First of all, set a good example. Make sure you aren't guilty of interrupting him, and if you find yourself doing it, work on stopping, and point out to him that you are doing so. Talk with him about good listening habits, and ask how it makes him feel if he is interrupted, and that you feel the same way when it's done to you. See if he will agree to trying the tried-and-true method of repeating back what was just said by the other person before responding to it, so you both truly understand what was intended. I have found this method not only often stops anger from happening, but frequently ends up in both getting the giggles!

He told you he loves you because he loves you, Dee. There doesn't have to be any ulterior motive. He doesn't want you mad at him cuz we don't want those we love to be mad at us.

The thing about the lawsuits cuz a product is damaged doesn't sound serious to me, but maybe I ain't gettin it. We gotta pick our battles ya know. He may be just doin it to see if it will aggravate you, cuz if it does then we have a new battle on our hands and that makes him feel temporarily empowered?

-- Anonymous, August 07, 2003

You are a sweetheart! Thanks I'll give it a try.

The sueing thing isn't about me, it's about the world owing him. I think you may be right and it's a self esteem thing.

-- Anonymous, August 07, 2003