I've been dating this girl for about 4 years off and on (there was two six month breaks, where she dumped me for other guys) Anyways, this last time she came crawling back begging me to go out with her, and I thought I'd give it another shot. This time its different though, sure, we fought before, but nothing like we do now. She's attacked me on two occasions, even though weighs at least 70 pounds less then me. (mostly scratching, slapping) I refuse to do anything back. She also is extremely jealous, critical and complains about everything. I can't even talk to girls I've been friends with for years without her pulling her away and giving me shit. I know there have been times I've lost my temper after becoming frustrated with her antics, but sometimes its just overwhelming. I love her very much, and want to try and work this out. Should I suggest counselling to her? (lol, then she'd probably flip out on me for saying she needs counselling) Thanks.

-- Anonymous, June 24, 2003

Answers

Aaron, it seems obvious to me that this woman is a bit destructive. She's already dumped you twice for other men, now she physically attacks you? No one is deserving of that kind of treatment. I was in a relationship where that hitting and scratching and me not doing anything to stop it turned into extreme physical (and mental/emotional) abuse that I put up with for much too long. The 2.5 year relationship ended several years ago, but that period of intense violence I still haven't gotten over yet. No one should have to put up with abuse no matter what the form. You've already seen a bit of the spectrum and have an opportunity to help yourself before things get too crazy.

You're probably right about suggesting counselling to her. I did, and she beat me for it. You SHOULD be someone that who's opinion she cares about and if you approach her with the suggestion tactfully, there MIGHT be a chance that she'd listen without "flipping" out. But I doubt it. Some people need more help that you and I can provide. Those people, unfortunately, won't get it until they realize it themselves. However, if they're unbalanced enough to rip you apart from your friends, and attack you (twice), you may want to reevaluate whether it's a good idea to wait for them to realize their situation. I'd advise you to look after YOUR health (mental, emotional, physical) first and get out of this relationship until she does some serious work on her temper.

I know how hard it is to make that decision. I loved my abuser to the extreme and that combined with the fact that she'd threatened to commit suicide if I ever left her made me stick it out for the long haul. I wish I had followed my gut; I would've saved myself years of heartache. Especially for men, it's so easy to put it off and not take it seriously. Please DO take it seriously and listen to your gut.

Good luck!

-Josh

-- Anonymous, June 24, 2003

Thanks for the advice. I just want to get help or get out before it gets really out of hand. I'm going to give it another week, maybe try to implement a three strike rule (sounds childish, but it might work), I'll tell her 3 strikes and its counselling time or game over. I gotta start taking control of the situation. Once again, thanks for the help.

-- Anonymous, June 24, 2003

The girl is obviously dangerous. Dump her. She's a freak. That is not how relationships r supposed to work.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2003

Aaron, there are some bad signs even before you get to the physical abuse. The fact that she doesn't like you talking with old platonic friends is a sign that she longs to control you.

You mention that she hits you and that you don't retaliate. I'm not suggesting that you should; I'm pointing out that a lot of females KNOW that their male partners likely won't hit back, and take unfair advanatage of this fact. They know (or think) that they won't face any negative consequences, so they treat their partners like punching bags. You don't deserve that. No human being does.

Try to seek out friends, and by friends I mean people who will act compassionately toward your story. If you tell someone and (s)he says, "that's funny", or simply suggests that this is something you'll have to learn to tolerate, go seek out someone else.

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2003

If you don't mind risking going to jail (and worse) even without ever doing anything or simply defending yourself during one of her rage fits, then stick around. God help you if you ever have children with her b/c then you risk her turning on you, with the police's help, and severely limiting your offspring's time with their father. In the end you're nothing more than a walking wallet to her, the judge, your attorney, and with her influence your children. Get out. Get out. Get out. No puss* is that good.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2003