We have been married for 11 yrs and together for 13. I have left a couple of times, but for the past 7 yrs I have stayed, because of my 6yr son. Before it was easy to leave when there was not a child involved. Anyway, my husband and I cannot go a week without having a arguement. When I meet my husband I was attracted to how outgoing, assertive he was. He owned a small lawn and landscaping business and the first time I saw him lose control verbally was with one of his employees. He was yelling and talking down to him. Within a few mths he would treat me like that. I tolerated it, after all it would be concluded with flowers and a card where he would fill the card w/ apologies and that he hopes that he will be able to learn from me how to control his outburst. 7 yrs ago we got back together after being separated for 5 mths (he was refusing to sign the divorce papers I had filed). He was better, we moved, started over, joined church. He struggles still to control his outbursts. The difference between then and now is that he is more and more telling me that I am causing them. 80% of the time it is because after 3 nights in a role of having sex, on the 4th day I ask for a break an if on the 5th day I ask for a break.. then he starts steaming and if not that night but the next night I am met with bitterness. If I say "I love you", he will respond w/ I Love you too, but it is said w/ a tone that is depressed or quick as though he did not want to say it all. Then next comes the ignoring, hateful comments and accusations that I dont want him, dont care about him, that I am justing looking for a way out, etc. Then that evening it is escalated to, him telling me that I dont love him in the way he needs to be loved... which is not just casual verbal reinforcement, but he is wanting constant verbal reinforcement (this to me get redunant and tiresome) and not a day goes by that we should not have sex. He tells me that if I would say, "baby I am not rejecting you I am just tired". If I dont say it just like that then I am responsible for his low self esteem. He tells me it is my responsibility. I am exhausted by his constantly needing reassurance. I am supposed to call him on every break I have at work. As a example, this past week every night from Sun through Weds we had intimate relationship, everything was great. Then Sunday evening he went to the store I asked him to bring home a bottle of wine. After I put my son to bed, we both had a few glasses of wine. Usally we enjoy each others company when we have had a glass of wine. But, last night he went to the spare bedroom where the computer is and stayed there.. I asked him if I had done something to upset him. He said no, I dont want to talk about it. He turned up the music so loud I could not here the TV..so I turned it off. After a while he came into the living room and loudly said, "What ARE YOU DOING?" ... I said "nothing, whats wrong". He said to me, "I thought you would come in there to me to reassure me that you want me", from there it turned into, "you are a stupid B...h, I hate you, I am gonna take Zack and leave". For many years I would cry and beg him to forgive me. Because I have explained to him how his actions hurt, he tells me now that he is insecure and feels that I am going to leave at any time. He does allow me to tell him how feel, but it is a struggle to explain to him..whenever I reach the point I just cant take it anylonger.

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2003

Answers

Donna, you aren't the abuser----the abuser is the man you're married to. You said he was better there for a while, but upon reading your full statement, he's simply changed his tactics. He's using the same routines I endured for 12 years while married to my wife---the pressure, the insecurity, the blaming. You aren't responsible for his insecurities and you shouldn't accept the blame for them, don't apologize for the things you can't help---like the weather---or whatever else it is he chooses to blame you on.

Like my ex, he's using sex as a tool of control against you----you can give at his every demand, but woe to you if you ask for a breather from it. I would also hazard to guess that he's never once apologized to you for any blameable wrong-doing he's committed---only offered sex as a way of 'making up'. In these peoples' minds, they are never wrong---its the world and everyone in it that's wrong.

He's also using the 'gotcha' game on you---leaving the room to be on the computer---acting like he needs some alone time, so you grant it-- -then the next thing you know he's in there throwing down on you because you didn't come in and reassure his precious little ego that you want him. In my mind's eye, I also see him doing this even if you had entered the room, only this time it would have been because you interrupted him. Its an engineered game that puts you in a trap at your end and in his mind justifies the abuse one way or another. My ex was a master at the gotcha game---its fun for them, it's a rigged game with little gamble that they won't get what they need--- control, gratification, and manipulation.

He's also using the technique of threatening to keep you in line--- telling you he'll take the child if you don't give him what he wants or treat him as he demands. He probably also has a strong need for attention and will eventually resort to violence if he doesn't seek help soon. I'll never forget my wife spending a nice long Sunday playing the gotcha game with reckless abandon---again and again, tripping those traps, catching me at every turn in her imaginary snares and me sucking it down until she'd done it more than a dozen times that day----on her final outburst of the evening, close to 830pm after a full day of this agony, I finally told her I'd had enough. The result was frightening for me to watch as she went to her bedside table and made a grand show of pulling out and unloading her silver handgun on my pillow. In her mind, she "unloaded the gun"- ---but you and I both know what 'displaying a firearm' is---its a way of regaining that precious control. I saw my lawyer the very next Tuesday.

People like this are like those monkies that scientists strap to morphine machines, trained to press a bar for the next injection at measured increments of time, they do so with more frequency as the addiction takes hold, until in the end, they simply hold the bar down- --a victim of the addiction. I predict he'll soon hold the bar down on you, just as my wife did me. I've always maintained that people like this are like certain chemicals that are listed as 'toxic'--- pretty bottles, but deadly all the same.

You sound like you are really trying to hold it all together, for that you are to be commended Donna. If this is the case, why not suggest that you and he seek marriage counseling together to come to terms with 'his' problems---you may have already done this. If he refuses to go, then make the appointment for yourself anyway and go without him---he had his chance. You need to talk and get your self esteem back. When you've had a chance to do that, call a battered woman's shelter, they usually can recommend good legal personelle who are voiced in dealing with abuse and offer their services at a cut- rate to those who need it. Start squirreling money away for yourself and your child---an escape fund if you will. My experience tells me you have little access to cash and he's got full-reign on it---if such is the case, tell your parents or siblings and see if they will loan it to you when the time comes and you will pay them back. The abuser seldom lets the abusee have access to money---money is power, don't forget.

First and foremost stay strong---ask yourself this---am I truely happy? Is this worth it to me? Am I having fun here? I can guarantee you he's having the time of his life at your expense. Don't let him hurt you much longer---it makes it twice as hard to recover and you're more likely to let this monster back in your life. If you ever get him out, don't weaken when he tells you he'll change, things will be different---these vipers always say that and they pull it off for a time, then resort back to their old habits. Its a never ending cycle that you can't afford to risk.

I hope some of this has been of some help.

Chad Walker

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2003

see: narcissistic personality disorder

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2003