Just so I don't sound like a jerk.. I have a problem... I don't know what to do or anything. I have been dating someone for 1 1/2 years and I feel like I need a way out. I read the entire webpage about Ultra-Sensitive Men and Abusive Relationships (http://www.menweb.org/batultra.htm) and I fit that to a tee.. I also constantly crave attention. One thing I am different on is that I usually yell back when I feel axiety and panic when she yells at me. today I guess I took it a step farther and instead of nudging her with my foot (she was sleeping on the ground here at work since there are no beds, don't worry, I brought her a sleeping bag and pad) and I used too much force.. I didn't hurt her, thank god but I feel like and know I went too far. What ensued was the usual bout of me taking what she has to say to me. She called me abusive (but according to the article it said she would say that considering the situation). I know I'm not detailing my problem. I can never recall arguments but sometimes I remember hurtful things she said to me. I never hit her, or sexually assaulted her. She was abused by her father and grandfather though. I just decided to see if I'm an abusive asshole like she said I was... I don't know if I am or not, I read that article and it makes things clearer but I don't know how to deal with things.

Oh yeah, this was recent and I read it in a 'how to tell if someone is abusive' webpage. I used to call her a lot and I ask her what she's up too a little too much. Is this because I crave attention (I always have since I was a little kid) or is it because I really am abusive? Fortuneately that was the only thing that the abusive website could do to label me as being abusive.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2003

Answers

Bryon, all in all you seem as if you are an easy going guy, drawn in by the hurtful comments of your wife. In lapsing into a state of guilt over such minute incidents as mentioned in your post, you have satisfied her desire to pull unjust guilt trips on your minimal flaws as a human being. Being interested in your wife and her welfare throughout the day, through phone calls or otherwise, is not considered abuse unless accompanied by threats or such hurtful comments she has dealt you. Also, going a 'bit too far' in nudging her with your foot is also not a product of abusive behavior on your part unless she sustains physical damage due to the force, which you have described as minimum. You are not the stereotypical "abusive" male highlighted in the online articles you have perused.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2003

Hey Bryon.

Based simply on the fact that you posted here searching for help means that despite whether or not you have abusive tendencies or crave too much attention, you're willing to help yourself in order to prevent either of those aspects from growing too strong and getting in the way of your happiness and others.

Yelling back at someone or saying hurtful things if they're doing it to you doesn't make you "abusive". It sure isn't the best way to handle the situation, but it doesn't make you a horrible person. I would say "abuse" happens when you purposly initiate those bad feelings to hurt someone else or someone you love.

Abusive tendencies and being an "over" sensitive male who craves attention, in my mind, seem like two traits that are very worthy of special attention. Especially if it's you who discovered and became wary of them, not someone else. Please take steps to learn more about yourself, but find those things yourself. Don't rely on people to point them out for you.

One other thing I'm confused about is when you said "I need a way out". Are YOU being abused? Or are things just leading up to something where that may be the outcome? Read your letter again and think whether or not you got across what you intended.

Good luck, bryon.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2003

Dear Bryon:

We all lose it sometimes, but if you denied you were wrong and blamed her for it, I'd say you've got problems. You don't sound abusive. I think men have it hard because you are not supposed to lose it with women at all, so you end up keeping a lot of anger in. Maybe I'm wrong but you sound as if you hold in your anger when she yells at you. She also probably acts out a lot of her issues on you, and you probably feel guilty if you get angry at her. Calling her a lot, and craving attention maybe means your just a little insecure. Not an abuser.

Avoid websites where you can self diagnose yourself as an abuser. I think they're wrong. You and your girlfriend should seek counselling.

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2003