I'm a 25 year old male who is finally taking steps towards recovery from a highly abusive relationship that ended 3 years ago. My first serious girlfriend had what I can only assume was borderline personality disorder: I've read the descriptions and she matches them almost 100%. During our relationship which lasted about 2 years, i was the classic "over sensative" male according to further online research. And I'm sure many of you can guess the disasterous effects of a relationship involving these two personalities.

In short, the first year was nice, then i went 3000 miles away to college where we soon started fighting every night (we = her accusing me of cheating and me trying to defend myself only to end up crying and begging for her not to kill herself and apologizing profusely). To "save" our relationship we thought it'd be a good idea for her to move away from home and come live with me. The next 8 months or so brought almost daily emotional, mental, and physical abuse from the only woman I thought I had ever loved...or loved me. When the blows started to rain down (which soon became almost nightly) I'd go to that "zen warrior" state or whatever they call it where my mind would drift off and wouldn't fully register what was happening. Classic to most domestic violence cases where the male is the victim, I never told any of my friends I was no longer allowed to see or coworkers that I wasn't allowed to hang out with because i would instantly be labeled "PUSSY" and not taken seriously. During the day while i was in class or at work, I didn't really believe what was happening until it eventually happened again and again.

I could go on in details and explanations, trying to explain how this was allowed to happen, but the reason I'm posting is that I'm finally "coming to terms" with everything that has happened and finding it nearly impossible to "get over it". I avoid close relationships like the plague. This woman has been the only person in my life who i allowed to get that close and I fear I'll never be able to be comfortable around anyone again. Being a tall, attractive, intelligent, nice guy i've had occasional opportunities for friendship and more despite my efforts to avoid them, but the moment someone gets past my protective shell, I instantly "freak out" and shut that person out instantly and completely. I haven't had a close friend in years and although I've mastered the art of being content in one's own isolation, I'm realizing how afraid I am of getting hurt again.

I've been seeing a therapist for the past year and she's been able to help me get through most of the crap I've never dealt with. However, what I'm guessing is often the case in cases dealing with severe abuse, support from other survivors and outlets where one can cry and be held by people who understand is most important. The unfortunate fact is, though, that male victims seem to have no place to go but inside their heads. In an attempt to save myself after literally riding out the storm which lasted over half a year, I've gone deep inside myself and tried desperately to forget.

So I guess my question is whether anyone has gone through something similar and how they were finally able to move on. I guess my question is directed more towards people, like in my case, haven't found many places where they can get help through the difficult recovery period. I've done many searches on-line for support groups but have found NONE in my area (SF Bay Area) geared towards "alternative" victims.

I often question whether my history is worthy of years of struggle. I mean, thankfully no children were involved, she never called the police to try and point the finger at me, and I haven't had to deal with her since we finally broke up. But the physical and mental abuse was almost daily... Not a day goes by where i don't get lost in thought for extended moments while experiencing various flashbacks.

So any help or information would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.

-josh

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2003

Answers

Josh, more responses and support will be coming soon, but first things first: always know that "here" you will always have a group of friends who will listen to you.

Brian.

-- Anonymous, April 11, 2003

Josh, my personal experience is that things can gradually get better (and even much better), but that it requires a lot of work. For me, it required talking about my experience a lot until I came to understand what I had been through.

It's a tough road. But I'm happier now than I ever was. I think I appreciate the fact that I am alive and not in an abusive relationship.

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2003

Dear Josh,

Know that you are in my most fervent prayers and I will also pray for your (former) girlfriend as well. Healing must occur for both of you in order for you to move forward, but first, take care of Josh.

God Bless.

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2003

Josh-

I completely understand. I am in the process of divorcing my abusive wife of 6 years. And, like many men, I am now the abuser of record, she has an order of protection against me, etc.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust again, and I've met some who seemed really really nice already. But inside me, there's a fear that as soon as I open up, or try to be honest, the slaps and scratches and punches and damaging comments are going to come right back out. Like you I'm in therapy, and I think that may hold the key to eventually healing me.

But I'm damaged goods. It's hard for me to relate to anyone. My trust issues are way big. So I take it one day at a time. Thank god I have family who understands, or I'd be completely isolated like I was during our marriage.

I wish you the best, man. Time is the key. Time and process.

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2003