My best friend has been in an abusive relationship for 12 years and has three teens of her own and a five yo with him. He "talked" her into doing all kinds of illegal things and when she got caught wouldn't even take her to her court stuff or probation meetings. He moved her into a tiny two bedroom dump of a trailer with no phone, no car and rarely enough groceries to feed them all (her, 3 teens and 5 year old). She can't get any financial support from the government because of her legal status and her Mom has finally tired of trying to help. His favorite pastime is waiting until she starts to fall asleep and then saying really evil things all night. I know because I helped her record him one night and it made me sick to my stomach. I would like to see her safe for a change, but until she doesn't have any legal stuff hanging over her I don't know if she will even try. Her little boy is getting more aggressive by the day and her teen boys are way past that so that they cuss her whenever she tries to get them to help. They are treating her with the lack of respect her abuser does and it's breaking her heart and spirit. She talks about suicide all the time. The only reason she hasn't is because she's afraid of what will happen to her youngest. She knows that right now he just hits her, but what happens when she's not around to take the beatings? Plese, if anyone can help, this is getting worse every day. He's spending the little money he makes on drugs and I don't know how long the local churches and my husband will continue to help financially.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2003

Answers

Hi friend,

It sounds as though you care a lot about your friend and are doing everything in your power to get her help--I think that's great! I'm not familiar with what area you're in, and I'm from Canada myself, so I'm not sure what resources you have in your area. I would suggest that she seek safety at a women's shelter where there are social workers who can help her to sort out the legal stuff without judging her, and who will seek out as many resources as possible to help her. I think your first step would be to gain as much info. as possible about the various shelters in your area and to check them out. I know that leaving an abusive relationship is extremely difficult, which is why your friend needs to talk to a professional who can help her cope with her feelings. But please keep supporting her as you are!!! I think you're doing an amazing job in seeking support for her--keep it up! p.s. she can find a shelter that will allow and encourage her to bring her children!!!!! Jess Vining.. 4th year Social Work Student, Ontario, Canada

-- Anonymous, March 05, 2003