I am doing a research project and am looking for any information on victims/abusers who stay together. It seems most intervention is directed at removing the abusive partner from the home....or at the victim fleeing to a shelter, again breaking the family unit. Are there any groups or programs focused on rehabilitation of abusers or keeping the family intact? I am searching for statistics on domestic violence victims who choose to stay together...it seems that most of the stats are either from law enforcement, or shelters. I am CERTAINLY NOT advocating for keeping victims in abusive relationships, just researching the availability of the types of programs that support rehabilitation and families that choose to stay together. Any available information about this will be appreciated. kc

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2003

Answers

I am a victim who have been residing with the abuser for almost 20 years. I would certainly like to know about any programs focusing on this topic. I stay because of my children.

-- Anonymous, March 31, 2003

Can someone tell me why a person in an abusive relationship stays because of the children? The children are being negatively affected by this abuse even if it's not directed towards them. But in many cases, an abuser of a spouse does abuse the children also... I am on my own, but my sisters are still living at home with my mother and stepfather. The stepfather has been convicted of child abuse (physical) but is still in the home because my mother will never leave him (he has also physically/emotionally abused her). In turn, my sister who was beaten, who used to make very good grades, is failing classes her junior year of high school, is very depressed, and has lost all hope. But my mother will not take her out of this situation. Why? Why do women stay even though it is ruining their children's lives? The weird thing is that my sister who was beaten thinks its her fault and doesn't want to "break up the family" so she doesn't tell mom that she wants to go. Because my sister doesn't tell mom that she needs to go, mom doesn't go. Why why why? This whole thing is ruining MY life too and there's nothing I can do to make her go. I just wish that she would leave and stop ruining my sisters lives. I lost my childhood living with this a- hole why should she make them lose theirs too? I wish there was something I could do. It's depressing to watch your family slowly die and they don't want to do anything to help themselves.

-- Anonymous, May 06, 2003

I have been in a violent relationship off and on for 8 years. I always thought he would change, if..... for what ever reasons. He was court order to attend Domestic Class to try and deal with these problems. I even attended these classes with him , but to no avail . There are programs out there ,but if they're not really serious and ask GOD to help , there is no hope ! He even tried to use the "I've asked GOD to help me " line to weasle his way back in to my life . Hence the off and on again relationship. Please advise everyone not to fall for the same old routines. Because it's there lives that are at stake. Often times theres children involed.

-- Anonymous, June 05, 2003

Let me shed a different light and try to take some of the readers into a women's head during these times.

First of all I was not in a physically abusive relationship it was all emotional abuse. Lies/deceipt/lack of emotion/sexual acts numerously outside of the relationship /you name it.

I stayed because beleive it or not I really loved this person. And i kept looking for reasons why he was like that. I kept thinking I can fix him . I can make a difference. My love/our love will get us through this. And before you know it twelve years have gone.

Not to mention some of these men have such a deceiving outer appearance. Thus the whole circle of frineds and family doesnt see the horror you are going through because this man is a successful business man. How bad could he be? Please understand its a viscious cycle. Lots of time no one believes that the person is as bad as they are. Family always supports their kin no matter what. So you have a lot of other factors adding up. Its not just that we women say. Oh I am dumb let me stay. Its a lot more emotionally subtle than that. All i can say is i was strong enough to start looking for answers and pointing the light on myself. And why i was staying. Let me tell you I am not a woman with low self esteem . That was not it. I genuinely loved this person. When you are intimate with one person for so long and you feel like this person is a part of you that is deep. Its not simple. But my advise to anyone in this kind of abusive relationship be it physical or emotional. Get support from wherever you can. Tell your story to whoever will listen. Because if it takes you ten or twenty years the story will start to sound bad to yourself too. Keeping it inside is not the way to go. Love yourself and start believing that you matter. Stop making it about the other person and their sickness.And realize that you must have some problem if you are staying. Its a hard thing to do when you are emotionally drained and have no energy . But you can do it. Some where someone cares . Remember that. Love is not constant pain. You have to start believing that!!! I wish everyone in this situation love and healing.

-- Anonymous, June 25, 2003