My daughter is in a relationship (3 1/2 years) that meets all the requirements of being emotionaly abusive. He constantly tells her she is useless and ugly and that no one would want her. Then he tells her how much HE wants her. She has lost all contact with her friends, and is very rarely at home. Her personal hygeine has gone down the tubes and all she does is work and see him. He doesn't work and she pays for everything they do. Last night he had her pleading on the phone to let her come to where he was. It tore my heart out hearing this. I do not know what to do. I have tried in the past to get her to see what is happeing and have had no luck. I'm afraid if I continue to confront her on this she will stop coming around all together. I'm desperate. Please help.

-- Anonymous, January 13, 2003

Answers

Elsie:

I'm not an expert, but it sounds to me like this guy is insecure about the possibility of losing her that he wants to make it seem to her as if she would never be loved or wanted by anyone else, and so she should put up with is verbal mistreatment of her. You've probably already come to the same conclusion, but I thought I'd throw my two cents in anyway.

-- Anonymous, January 13, 2003

Dear Elsie,

Brian is clearly an idiot. I think it is highly inappropriate to make light of a situation like this. If you are serious Brian I suggest you do some reading on the matter before you offer advice.

I have some training in domestic violence, and sadly my advice will not be very helpful either. Your daughter is a victim of domestic violence, DV is not simply a matter of physical abuse it also includes emotional abuse, and emotional abuse often leads to a physically abusive relationship. Emotional abuse is just as crippling as physical abuse, it leaves the victim with a low self- esteem and a feeling that she does not deserve better then what she has. Sadly there is not a great deal you as a mother can do, if you try to intervene she may stop talking to you and this is the last thing you want. You need to be there for her when she decides to leave this relationship, it often takes over 10 times of attempts before a woman sucessfully makes a break from a DV situation. I would also suggest that you encourage your daughter, tell her how beautiful, smart and brave she is, emphasise her qualities, don't dwell on the negatives, it sounds as though she gets enough of that from her boyfriend. Also try and encourage her to have a life outside of him, if she is around 'normal' people with normal relationships she may come to see how dysfunctional her relationship is. Times will be tough for you now Elsie, you will often feel frustrated by her failure to leave a relationship that is causing her so much pain, hang in there though, it's the only thing you can do for your daughter at the moment. Goodluck!

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2003

I agree with brian.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2003