Wheweeee.....So it's a New Year all over again!

I have to say I am sure starting it out that way......Would you believe that I found out yesterday that I am ---of all things---with child? Oh my goodness. I'm excited, and scared and kind of shocked. I am certain God knows what He is doing, I just don't know if I'll be able to read the plays He lays out!

Basically this means that the business is done....this is a large part of what is scary. Otherr than the fact that being a parent is the absolute largest most awesome responsibility God can give to anyone. So at anyrate, it will be very interesting to watch this all unfold.

Wow.

Then there is the Sophie matter....We need to see if Angie will actually go into rehab and we will take care of Sophie for a month or two without any attempting to take custody or games or silliness. I'll have to go into it later, but the poor girl is not exactly getting the care she needs.

Best wishes to all for the New Year! May God richly bless you---

-- Anonymous, January 01, 2003

Answers

David spoke calmly, rationally, nicely and unprovokingly with Angie about possibly keeping Sophie here for a month or two while she "got things together". At first I guess she kind of flared up, asking 'why' David thought there was any kind of a problem. he told her the kids were saying lots of things about how much she was drinking and that she was forgetting what she said and did. Finally I guess she felt alright enough to say she would think about it. Then prior to taking Sophie back she called regarding the time, and she told David ".....ummm.....by the way,---thank you." The next two exchanges she was sober and rational!!! David said she cut here hair so that means she is attempting to get it together. Praise God! It's honestly in everyone's best interest for her TO get it together!

Sophie was doing lots of crazy things. She seemed to forget how to use utensils, and was eating things like chicken noodle soup and french toast with syrup with her fingers. She always has trouble remembering from one minute to the next what it is that she was asked to do, but this ttime she simply refused to do what was asked of her. Said she would then just walked off aand did whatever she wanted to. Quite irritating. I really don't want to be correcting her all the time, but she does need to know what is right and what is unacceptable as well. I had to give her one stern talking to, and I am sure I went over her head a bit on why it is necessary to do things when they need to be done, how they need to be done, but I wanted her to know that it wasn't just because WE want it that way.

She is really one of the sweetest and most empathetic girls I have ever met.

When she came, she had been wearing the same clothes for seven days....very sad.

-- Anonymous, January 09, 2003

This weekend is this big show we have been working on, and I need to get a million last minute things done. I'll be gone until Tuesday. My sister is coming down, so that should be interesting. Please pray that the Lord gives me the r ight words....she tried a lame attempt at suicide a few weeks a go. She has abo u t a million issues regarding her worth. her name is Dottie .

God bless all of you !

-- Anonymous, January 09, 2003

Well the show was a raging success, but I received a very hard financial shaft from my business partner. If we can straighten it out later today I will continue working with her, but if not....I will simply walk. What it amounts to is that evidently she and this other guy seem to think my time and contributions add up to approximately $2 per hour. What a slap in the face after knowing her for 20+ years. Oh well.....I am feeling like they got terrifically greedy and just don't think anyone else deserves any pay for their work.grrrr. It will work out, but I am so offended that if this conversation doesn't rectify things I will just leave her to take the entire business and see how she can handle it.

Guess that is it for now as this probably won't take the post!

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2003

I suppose that it would be good to try to commit all of these emotions and feelings to writing to see if it may help someone, or even just myself. I am almost positive that I am in the throes of miscarriage. On Wednesday I had a very slight pink discharge when I wiped….then on Thursday evening I begin to have some brownish discharge. I spoke with the midwife on Thursday and she told me that it is very common to have this type of discharge and even actual red blood. She said that this early in pregnancy there is really nothing that can be done if you are due to miscarry, you will. She did say that taking it easy and resting would be good.

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2003

So I took it easy. Which for me probably means average for everyone else. I generally have a lot of drive and good stamina, so just resting has been rather a pain. Then on Saturday, I had actual blood. Now on Sunday I have even more actual blood. It seems the only thing I can do is to get an ultrasound and a HG level check which will take a few days as you have to go back after 48 hours to get the second one to determine if your levels are increasing or decreasing. My breasts don’t hurt nearly as much as they did at 4 weeks. This makes me think that I may have already lost the baby. I am also having what I would call light cramping. This is again subject to relevant comparison as I have horrifyingly nasty cramps a lot of the time. The kind that makes one vomit and occasionally pass out. So to me these are smallish pains.

As many of you know, when I was 21 I had an abortion. It is the one thing in my life that I have regretted without any real surcease in all these years. I am feeling like perhaps I am simply unworthy to have the blessing of my own child…..perhaps I haven’t a thankful enough heart, or strong enough a love for that type of blessing. Maybe I simply am undeserving. Maybe it’s the fact that I am weaning of off my coffee and still bucking the cigarette demon. I’ve been down to six a day since I found out about the baby, and was going to go off completely as of today… I have been freed from so many things by the Lord, that I can’t even begin to count them, but he hasn’t yet taken that away from me. This is harder to write than I would have thought.

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2003

David is being so good through this. He is worried, but he is just so caring and loving that I can’t even begin to decribe it. He did my animals for me this morning and made breakfast…and brought mine to me in bed. He just holds me and d oesn’t chastise me for crying and fretting, but he simply loves m e.

Later:

The cramping greatly intensified. It became what is average for me during a regular period. Then I had to vomit , and David made an executive decision to take me to the hospital. That proved fru itless as the only thing that could really be done was to sp end a whole bunch of money when simply waiting a few days wo uld bring the answer just as well. So we got another EPT test a nd last night it read positive still. After speaking to the midwife, I am pretty well settled on just resting and seeing what a coupl e more tests show over the next several days. She said there a re very, very few cases in which a dnc is necessary. In her 23 years of practice she only has had two.

So we wait.

Yesterd ay after noon I had the deepest grieving overtake me. I believe my body knows the sad truth and my mind is still resistant to it. I will check in and let you know how this progresses.

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2003

Well the test still reads a faint positive. The midwife suggested that I basically stay down all week and monitor myself verry closely....note any clotting and if I began to bleed excesively to get to the ER. The bleeding has slowed trememdously, and I am not as grief stricken as I was when I wrote the posts above. No doubt that is due to the volumes of prayers that are being offered for me and David through this. Thank you!

I have a few small things to do today, and I feel I have the energy to do them. I'll be alright either way. Other than the sharp pains I felt on Monday this has been no different from my usual periods in the physical pain department. The emotional side is a completely different story, but I am feeling much betterr than I was.

My biggest -hope- is that this was a multiple, and that I may still be carrying. I am ready for that to be or not be as the Lord wills. Thank you for your prayers everyone.....seriously....I love all of you.

-- Anonymous, January 22, 2003

Well i know the answer, and it's not what I hoped for. The midwife I had spoken with a few times called me today right after I took the HPT....she just was concerned about how I was doing and wanted to check on me. How very nice for a lady who has never even met me!

I am trusting that God is working here. A number of things that are pretty positive have happened as a result of this ordeal. I am trusting David more because of how good he has been through this. It is just that trust is something that develops and when you have been hurt before, it sure takes longer to give that trust to someone. I'm thankful for how he has been...it's been a big help to our relationship.

Then there is all of this silliness with his Mom. I can't go into all of it right now, but she has shown that she is not very balanced, so David and I have talked quite a bit about how we can best deal with that.

I have the girls due to kid over the next week and I am praying everything goes well with that. Whew! It is nerve wracking after the experience last year.

It's cold out, and due to get colder. I have to bring new bunnies in tonight.

Janice, thank you for your offer....I may take you up on it! The midwife had several miscarriages as well, so she was a blessing to talk to...no one in my family has ever had one, so I didn't know how common it was.

Hope everyone is well....

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2003

It has been chilly for here, but nothing like the tooth breaking stupid cold that others have had! I remember all too well having your breath freeze on the way into your lungs. Ugh. My prayers are that the cold will snap soo and the temps will moderate.

Today is the day that Peaches is due, so I am doing the stay at home goat check every hour or so. She isn't really showing any signs other than a slight spreading of her tail ligaments. I SOOO hope this goes well.

David went to run some errands and try to make up with his Mom. He ran through what he was thinking of saying to her with me just to get a sounding board I guess. The woman needs some serious prayer. She is making herrself and otherr people sick by holding on to dishonesty for too many years. I honestly hope we can get along. I have no desire to fight with her at all and I simply refuse to do that. I'm glad David decided on his own that he wanted to clear the air between them to the best of his ability.

I don't have spring fever yet, but I imagine that when I get through with the early kidding here it will kick in with a vengeance.

I can't wait to move to Missouri......someday!

Thanks to everyone for your prayers, they have certainly helped!

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2003

Well Peaches had a single buckling, and he is a hansome critter! I am anxious over the queen now as she has pretty bad diarrhea and she has been going on and off feed for the last 3 weeks....She was due yesterday and is about as big as a barrn.

Zy and Skate, my otherr two sem to be doing just fine. Although they are late as well. peaches went the full 155 days and that buckling was over 12 lbs. I hope the others aren't that big.

Met some folks at Wally World who want two wetherrs. They seem really nice, and that would be a big help to me as well, so I gave them my number and they will call me in a week or two. COOL!

Gotta run. I'm doing hillbilly laundry with the washer set on a pallet and a hose- outside of course...:). I need to get the shed all fixed for real laundry.

Love to all of you!

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2003