I checked e-mail yesterday and there was an e-mail from John Leake. It was my son who I haven't seen in over ten years. We've been completely out of touch. I don't even know where he lives.

He wanted to know if I was his dad who he hasn't seen for some time. He gave a brief description of his residence history and I confirmed that I was indeed his dad with "proof" of my own.

When his mother and I parted in 1970 John was 3 1/2 yrs old. She was pregnant with my daughter at the time. My son and I had a strong connection and bond and we both knew it, but she didn't because I wasn't a goo-goo, gaa-gaa kinda dad. I was generally quiet, gentle and accessible but not "assertively" demonstrative or actively in the play mode. This is just the way I remember it. My wife didn't think I loved him because of my "style". She wanted me to be more "active", engaged or whatever.

Any way, I replied to his e-mail with welcome, encouraged him to correspond with questions I had about his life and I gave him my phone number.

We'll see what happens.

At the time my wife left, I had a decent job that I was unknowingly about to lose as a result of the divorce. She moved 200 miles south and left me with the house and ALL the bills. That on top of court ordered child support left me with $12/month to live on if I was to keep up with all the bills etc.

The divorce was somewhat amicable and I would see the kids now and then but I lost my job a few months after that, was without work for a while and bouncing from crappy job to crappy job, then after about two years, got another decent job.

It seemed strange to me to visit the kids.

I'd go to Milwaukee to see the kids now and then. As soon as I hit the milwaukee county limits the stress levels would start to escalate. By the time I'd actually see the kids I'd just wanna get the hell outta Dodge. I really didn't like the city and not just milwaukee, any city. It was the reason why I left in the first place.

Then there were the kids. I actually had a relationship with my son but my daughter was a complete stranger to me. I've never felt like her father, tho I don't doubt I was, in the biological sense anyway. I can't honestly say I've ever loved her in the paternal sense.

At least for me the sense of fatherhood came with the hands on experience. During both Judys pregancies I didn't "feel" fatherhood. Its probably some kinda character deficiency but thats the way it is.

If I fell behind in the child support payments I felt like it was a rent-a-kid-for-a-day kinda thing, because it would be the first thing I'd hear about from my ex. Then there was all this crap about do this but don't do that with the kids. Its not like I'm Mr. wonderful but it seemed to me like I wasn't even allowed to be myself with them because of all her rules.

After a while I said screw it. I'm gonna be true to myself, even if I'm an asshole. I figured the kids were better off without me anyway because it seemed like my presence in their life just caused confusion for them and conflict between their mother and me.

Then she'd complain about my not seeing the kids. At that time my job was very demanding of my time. I'd be on the road for two or three weeks at a time. When I'd come home for a weekend I had a house to keep up and a "life of my own."

I remember consciously deciding to let the kids go but I continued to make sporadic support payments. Judy and I first agreed to forgo the suport payments until she need money for something and the she'd ask me to help out---which I did on several occassions. Finally she suggested we simply agree to a final cash settlement sometime in the future. It wasn't set up as a "demand note", just a simple agreement that was registered with the courthouse. That got the support monkey off my back. The kids were well cared for. Judy became a geriatric RN and was doing well for herself and I think was happy to have me outta her life.

The last time I saw my daughter was in about 1987 and my son in '90 at my mothers funeral.

In reviewing this I wonder why I wrote it at all since I don't feel too wierd about the situation. I figured it was gonna happen sooner or later and actually had an intution a coupla weeks ago, then again the day I got the e-mail. I haven't gotten a reply to my e-mail yet.

-- Anonymous, December 10, 2002

Answers

Wow John thank you for telling your story. One thing that I always felt when my kids were born was the sense that they were'nt mine. I mean that they belonged to my wife first and me second. I know how you felt I could'nt do anythig right either. Only later as they got older did I grow into a father. I'm sorry you missed that part but I'm glad you are about to re-connect! That should be interesting huh? Let us know how that goes....Kirk

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2002

Wow, John, I am very touched that you shared all this with us. What an emotional roller-coaster it can be to be a "non-custodial" parent, eh?

I also find this fascinating that Kirk kicked in with his own empathetic feelings about fatherhood. It got me to thinking, wondering how common this feeling is in men, and how it would explain a lot of delinquint-child-support situations. I know my Bren also feels this way, that her contribution to parenting, even though she has been here from the beginning, will never be as significant as mine. She too is not demonstrative, and as I have admitted before I have a problem with that. I think she tries to compensate by being overly generous monetarily.

There certainly is a sadness connected with a kid being disconnected from a parent, but I hope it didnt end up with them being resentful. That would probably depend quite a bit on how your ex presented the situation and you to your kids. I truly hope you can develop a meaningful relationship with them now.....what a wonderful dimension they could add to your life!

Keep us posted on further developments!

Blessings,

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2002

Yeah, I've wondered about them being resentful. IMO John would have more cause because we actually had a relationship so there was an actual loss for him. That wasn't the case with my daughter, Shelly.

We never lived together and visited only a few times. It was very awkward because I like to "keep it real", in the spirit of being true to myself. That translated to being with this little girl who was said to be my daughter but who was in fact a stranger, her mothers daughter. I have a hard time expressing affection when there is none but the most generic kind but Shelly made a big deal outta seeing me with Daddy! Daddy! as did John. But to my way of thinking John had reason and Shelly only had conditioning born of the "legend of Dad" from John and this guy she'd call dad without having any real knowledge or experience of him as dad. I suspect she's figured this out and has more or less "disowned" me. She took the last name of one of her step fathers.

Does this make any sense?

I suspect John sent me an "anonymous" feeler some time back, e- mailing me from a post I'd made on the old countryside forum when I was still using my full name. We talked briefly about "my philosophy of life", a post I'd made back then, and him expressing his attraction to the homesteading lifestyle. I've become a believer in not pushing the river tho so I didn't pursue my suspicions at the time.

As yet he hasn't replied to my response to his e-mail.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2002

Kudos John, for trying to stay in touch with your son, and attempting to understand your feelings about the distance between you both, emotionally and physically.

Remember this one thing, it is never too late to be a "father" to someone, no matter what your ages may be! Try to be available to him if he makes the effort to reconnect, it may take some time for him to do so. And thanks for sharing with us, sensitivities are what makes us more human ;-).

-- Anonymous, December 15, 2002

Hi John! I don't have anything very thought provoking to say. I just thought I would tell you how glad I am that you two have found each other. I hope you will keep us updated on how things go.

-- Anonymous, December 16, 2002

Thanks for posting your thoughts, john. It was a very honest account of what can happen to a family who was once a close knit unit. My brother is in divorce proceedings now, and has two children (11 yr. old boy, six yr. old girl) who he hopes to retain custody of. He does want to retain a relationship with them, regardless of who wins.

I hope you hear from both your children soon. Especially now, during the holidays. Good luck.

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2002

I just wanted to comment on parents who aren't very demonstrative. I don't recall ever receiving a hug or a kiss from my dad, or ever hearing him tell me that he loves me. But I have no doubt whatsoever in my heart that he does love me. Sometimes it's more attitude than actions I guess.

-- Anonymous, December 27, 2002