I'm sure you all remember that I told you that we got a new car. A Saturn, L100, (cute dark red, sporty looking thing)for my husband to do his hour commute in. Well, right from the start, he was very protective of the car (he reluctantly handed me the keys when I wanted to show it to some relatives at a party but followed shortly afterward to make sure nothing got messed with) He would wash and wax, change the oil, rotate the tires, religiously, sometimes even before it was due. After 8 months, I can say I have been in it about 8 times and have never driven it.

Lately, he started getting mad about any little nick (from trucks on the highway) The marker in the garage was moved so the door came down on the back bumper (I think he moved the marker but he "knows" we moved it) The scratch was so tiny, even the car repair place tried to blow it off with a little buffing. That kept him going for a while. The last problem was when he was trying to get up our hill during the last snowstorm (before the plows came through) He not only couldn't but started sliding down the hill sideways and put a small scratch in the hubcap. By the time I get home, he is so upset, not only about the snow, hating our house, denting the hubcap and having an expensive car that is suppose to do well in the snow and didn't, that he blew up at me. After he calms down, he apologises but can't understand that I am upset about his behavior whenever something little happens to his car and he takes it out on us. He doesn't even realise he is getting worse, obsessive even.

Now, this was told as a backdrop so you will understand the fate part. As we are driving to church to pick up my son, we hit a deer. It was dark and I saw it off the side, it wasn't in front and yelled at the same time it hit.

Neither one of us was hurt. The windshield was smashed on my side, my husband could still see to drive. The hood had two creases in it (it is a Saturn, they don't dent) The pillows didn't even go off. (which would have been a mess) I think she tried to jump over us at the last minute.

He didn't blow up....he didn't rant or swear...

He talked about it saying how God didn't even help him on the way to church and it couldn't have been worse. I said of course it could have been!! We could have been hurt or killed and maybe God was telling you to lighten up, it's only a car and if you continued the way you were going with it, you would have killed yourself with a heartattack or lost your family.

He doesn't like the car anymore...

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2002

Answers

I'm glad that you're all OK Dee. Hopefully now that hubby's new toy has been "broken" he won't be so obsessed with it.

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2002

I'm so glad that you two are OK. You are right that it could have been much worse.

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2002

Wow, Dee, that's an interesting story all right. It's clear you caught the meaning immediately; it's pretty obvious what the Universe was trying to tell your husband, eh? Buts it's not clear if he heard the message after you interpreted it for him. Did he protest or argue, or do you think it got through?

They say when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Sometimes it's insufferably frustrating to have to watch when people don't notice the teacher, but I guess we have to remember the Universe's timing is always perfect.

I'm gonna give my unsolicted two cents about your husband's behaviour though, mostly cuz it seems to be a common thread you have spoken of many times before. His taking out his own issues on his family is unacceptable; you gotta know its bad for your son, and is definitely verbal abuse. We must demand to be treated with respect, and expect nothing less. No excuses. It's time he learned to look inside for the source of his problems, and stop pointing fingers elsewhere.

Hugs,

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2002

Ah yes EM, the discussion of the day before was about just that so it seemed to reinforce the fact after the deer hit. Remember, he didn't rant, rave, or swear....just calmly accepted it. He did say he is going to work on his anger problem so we will see how he does. So far, so good.

Oh, I got to drive the car up the driveway for the towtruck to take to the repair shop. The driver seemed to be surprise that there wasn't much damage. He also thought she was trying to jump it.

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2002

Glad you're okay, Dee!

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2002

Geeesh, Dee!! What a story! Thank goodness you and your hubby are okay. Brings to mind the old expression..."The only difference between men and boys is the size of their toys!"...(as I sit here holding up the peace symbol to all the men on this forum :-)!!)

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2002

I agree with EM. Its funny, I noticed quite some time ago that that kinda thing seems to happen quite a bit with people and new or even newer cars that they're proud of. Its like karma waiting to happen. Its the emotional attachment and the emotional importance that we put on "stuff" that drives the karma methinks.

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2002

You are very lucky to have got off without bodily harm. Fixing the car is a hastle - fixing a body is much worse. I hope your husband reflects and realizes that this could have been much worse. It sounds like he is under some stress that is un natural. Maybe an honest discussion on what is bothering him is in order.

Again, glad to hear everybody is okay.

-- Anonymous, December 10, 2002

Thank you all for your concern.

He got the estimate today and was all accepting, it was wonderful. It was a good thing we talked before the deer hit, I think that made all the difference. Yes, he was feeling alot of stress from the commute and working around the farm all the time. I told him it's okay to just take time off for himself once in a while. Things will get done, whether it's today or tomorrow.

-- Anonymous, December 10, 2002

Hey, Dee, sorry to hear about all the bad behavior you're having to experience.

I have a suggestion, which you can take for what it's worth.. His behavior sounds like he may have clinical depression. I know, because I was diagnosed with it when I went in to a doctor to see about a "sleeping disorder".

Without even going to a doctor, he can take a test online such as this one. Takes about five minutes.

#################################################

Are You Depressed?

FOR MORE THAN TWO WEEKS:

1. Do you feel sad, blue, unhappy or "down in the dumps"?

A. Never B. Rarely C. Sometimes D. Very Often E. Most of the time

2. Do you feel tired, having little energy, unable to concentrate?

A. Never B. Rarely C. Sometimes D. Very Often E. Most of the time

3. Do you feel uneasy, restless or irritable?

A. Never B. Rarely C. Sometimes D. Very Often E. Most of the time

4. Do you have trouble sleeping or eating (too little or too much)?

A. Never B. Rarely C. Sometimes D. Very Often E. Most of the time

5. Do you feel that you are not enjoying the activities that you used to?

A. Never B. Rarely C. Sometimes D. Very Often E. Most of the time

6. Do you feel that you lost interest in sex or experiencing sexual difficulties?

A. Never B. Rarely C. Sometimes D. Very Often E. Most of the time

7. Do you feel that it takes you longer than before to make decisions or unable to concentrate?

A. Never B. Rarely C. Sometimes D. Very Often E. Most of the time

8. Do you feel inadequate, like a failure or that nobody likes you anymore?

A. Never B. Rarely C. Sometimes D. Very Often E. Most of the time

9. Do you feel guilty without a rational reason, or put yourself down?

A. Never B. Rarely C. Sometimes D. Very Often E. Most of the time

10. Do you feel that things always go or will go wrong no matter how hard you try?

A. Never B. Rarely C. Sometimes D. Very Often E. Most of the time

__________________________________________________ ________________________

Disclaimer: ODST is a preliminary screening test for depressive symptoms that does not replace in any way a formal psychiatric evaluation. It is designed to give a preliminary idea about the presence of mild to moderate depressive symptoms that indicate the need for an evaluation by a psychiatrist. Click Below for the Test Results

#################################################

That one happens to be found at http://www.med.nyu.edu/Psych/screens/depres.html

I found it in about two seconds by doing a search on google: "depression test". Be sure to use the quotation marks.

There are several similar, but different tests, and I'd recommend that he take more than one, as sometimes the questions seem a bit vague, and a slight change in his score could change the diaganosis.

I can tell you that my behavior towards my wife and kids was very similar to the behavior you described, and I am still embarassed, after over ten years later, at the way I was, even though I now realize that it was caused by a chemical imbalance, and was fairly easily, and quite successfully, treated.

My honey is way happy with the changes!

Best wishes, good luck, and BE CAREFUL! Sometimes folks on depression do things that they shouldn't do.

JOJ

PS, my life has swung around 180 degrees, and I'm a much happier, and more successful person than I used to be.

-- Anonymous, December 10, 2002

This has been a fun one to read! I personally think men should NEVER buy a car that doesn't have a dent in it. Way Way to much pressure! I have a 20 year old piece of Crap and I drive with a huge smile! Hey come to think of it I look like like a old piece of crap and Barb seems to smile at me too!! Or laugh....

Maybe we can make this a rule of thumb. Never own anything thats beautiful cause it will make us act like assholes???....Kirk

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2002

I'm gonna keep an eye on him. When we were talking, he kept saying that he was always tired. He gets up at 4 AM to miss the morning traffic (he gets to work over an hour early but Rt.80 to NY can be a killer if he leaves later) He may nap a little while when he gets home at 4 PM, then goes to bed around 8 or 9, depending on how hard he had to work that day. On his days off, he said he feels overwelmed because it is the only time he has to do things. Then it came out that he has no friends up here and we don't go anywhere. He agreed that we needed to move from our old city, the city he still works, in because of the schools and crime increase, which he sees.

The car was his obsession because he never had a new car before. The last car was the family car, therefore "mine" and he felt like this car was "his" and he wanted to keep it looking good. His brother laughs about him not using something so it stays good because he was always like that. You should see his Hot Wheels collection from when he was a kid.

Well, we got the estimate and it's $1,384 ($500 deductable, yuck) He is very mellow and accepting about it. Not minding driving the farm Jimmy to work (although it's going through gas) And is finally gonna fix the 4 wheel on it. Sigh.... we didn't even get fresh meat out of the deal because she ran off.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2002