My husband has been verbally abusive to my kids and I since we've been together. He gets so angry, even over small stuff, that one day I think he could become physically violent. He has thrown things, put holes in the walls,etc. He ALWAYS blames the kids and I for his temper. If we would "just stop it" he wouldn't get violent, he says. I have started going to a women's shelter for counseling. I don't really know where to begin with leaving him. I haven't worked for over 7 yrs. and have no formal education. My kids are 16, 14, 12 but even though they aren't small children in diapers it still feels impossible to support them financially. He makes very good money, but I have no income of my own. Every time I say to myself "this is it...no more...he's out" I give in to staying with him because I'm so afraid of trying to make it on my own in the world. He has said many things to me to make me feel very ugly. When I walk down the street, I always look down to avoid eye contact with people because I believe I truly am ugly. Recently, I told him I wanted him out, but he slept in his truck for one night and came back. He said he's not done with the marriage. My kids and I are TOTALLY dependant on him financially. I don't have any confidence or self esteem which makes a job search very difficult. If anyone has suggestions, please let me know. My feelings get hurt easily, so please don't judge me too harshly. Thank you. Jane

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2002

Answers

Jane! Throw the bum out! He will continue to get worse until he attacks you or your kids physically. Those type of people very seldom change. He has some problems that need to be addressed by a proffessional "shrink". Don't rely on him for compliments because apparently he can't share his love with you.

You will be much better off without him--even without his money. Seek help from the Gov't to sustain you and your family. Enroll in school for some kind of training. Find a good Bible Teaching Church to attend. God will not hold you responsible for leaving this horrible situation. Get a court order to bar him from coming around you and your family.

These are hard words to say but in your heart you know they are true and the only way out. Lift up your head-you are a child of God and He didn't make no junk. A friend.Luke 6:38

-- Anonymous, November 11, 2002

I'll be you're a wonderful Mommy and your kids adore you. You've probably learned, as I have to stretch yourself and spoil your babies any way you can to compensate for their lousy Dad. That's an accomplishment right there.

My husband has done the same thing but I'm 7 months pregnant and he was more than happy to move out. But I've got a 12 year old son and baby on the way so I'm working part time...fixing myself up every day and smiling til it hurts...every day. If I had to I'd go on WIC, Welfare, food stamps, whatever it takes. But working and getting a network of friends going helped me so much. Please try it. It's possible..just believe in yourself.

I'll be thinking of you.

J

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2002

"Get a court order to bar him from coming around you and your family."

What a horrible thing to say. It is his family also, and although it sounds like he has some anger management issues, those can and shoul dbe dealt with. Taking away his children is not good for him or the kids. I would leave him, get some safe space in yoru life and try to work with him to get some help for his anger problem so that he can continue to be a dad, but become a better one. People can change, and the children deserve both parents. It sounds like he hasn't been physically abusive, so taking everything away from a man for something he "might" do is wrong. None of us know the future. I reccommend protecting yourself and the kids by working towards getting him the help he needs. Using kids to punish someone for being angry is never a good idea.

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2002

Preston. I have to disagree with you most vigerously. A man that would "put a fist through the wall" is at the point of being out of control When this happens, along with the verbal abuse, the next step is bodily harm to a loved one. I do agree with you concerning the banning of him seeing his children because it is extremely hard on the father to not be able to see his offspring. The ball is in his court and drastic measures are sometimes required to get him thinking straight. I don't know how anybody can abuse their loved ones but it does happen every day. I'm speaking from experience because of my job as a Police Officer a few years ago. A very sad situation to see this type of horrible acts of anger.

You're also correct about people changing. They do sometimes but not enough to gamble a life of innocent people on. Only through the power of God can people really change and most of the time the majority of people tend to ignore God and His leadings.

Jane please take care of yourself and children as best you can. My advice still stands. God Bless.

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2002

Hello, I am not very computer literate but I hope someone sees this and can give me some information. I have been married for over 7 years and I can't take being a prisoner anymore. I am not allowed to go anywhere and am not allowed to drive, in fact my husband had my car converted into his name somehow. I have to give him my child support checks and the bank accounts are only in his name. Everything is in his name. I don't even have any clothes of my own. I have to wear his clothes. When we got married I gave him all the money I had saved to get the house. He has a house and a farm and makes about 90K a year that he claims to the IRS. I don't have money to see an attorney. I don't qualify for anything based on income because he makes so much money. I keep telling him I hate being a prisoner and that I wish I were dead. Since I don't go anywhere I can't meet people. I want so much to have some friends. Does anyone have some words of wisdom to spare? Please email

-- Anonymous, December 22, 2002

My sister left her husband. She went to our brothers house one night when he wasn't around, becaue our brother is not afraid of her now-ex husband. She was so ashamed that she slept in the car in his driveway with the door locked. She didn't want to wake him, she figured they could talk in the morning. (darned if I know what she was ashamed OF, but she was ashamed)

Of course she was welcome, we only wished she had left him sooner. She basically hid out at relatives homes.

When he went to my Mom's house, she put on a pretty good act. "Why no, I HAVEN'T seen her! Is she missing? Come on in and tell me about it!" AFTER he could see for himself she wasn't there, he left with my Mom saying "you be sure to let me know if you hear anything", my sister quietly came to stay with my mother. It was hard on her because she was afraid to leave the house, but the divorce eventually DID go through.

My sister got a job on an assembly line and went to night school. She now has a GOOD job, has married a kind and decent man, and her child (she was pregnant when she left) has grown into a good man also.

I have figured out something over the years. The reason these guys are so keen on telling their ladies that they cannot make it on their own is because they are scared. They are scared because they suspect their lady CAN make it, and they don't want her to!

-- Anonymous, December 26, 2002

Oh. I should add that he has never paid a dime of child support. My sister didn't really mind, as he started avoiding her after a few years, and she thinks it was because she could get him into trouble about how much he owed. Her son regards his step-dad as his father, which is just as well.

-- Anonymous, December 26, 2002

I thought I was alone in this. I mean I hear of other cases of spousale abuse., but I truly felt alone. I wish I could give you advice Jane but, I'm afraid I need it myself. My husband of 11 years has verbally and occaionally "looses" it and gets physically abusive. We have 3 children that I cherish more than anything in the world. I'm afraid to leave because my husband also controls the money, and I am afraid of what might happen to the kids in his care when he sees them. At least I can protect them if I am around. He has cheated on me several times among other things. I make sure my kids feel safe and loved and fortunatley he doesn't turn his anger onto them. Am I wrong for staying?? I said when I got married that I was married for life, however I didn't know it was going to be a prison sentence. I do not have a network of support or friends, he keeps me secluded and ruins any chances I may have of friendship. And Jane thank you for bieng brave enough to start this thread.

Kristy

-- Anonymous, January 18, 2003

Bad marriages is my name. I am on my third and worse marriage. Kids are what makes many staying in the bad situation. My 2nd husband was a cheater but a good dad. He was sneaky and able to get joint custody because of money he had and once I left the marriage I had none. No job, no home, nothing he got it all. I turned to someone I now regret and he got my divorce settlement, charged up my credit cards, and sold my car. Now I am married to the user and he has kept me living in poverty. We live in a rv and always late on bills. I can not get a job without a car and cannot get a car with bad credit (my credit cards are over $20,000) my only hope is to go to jail for being in debt so much. I hate my life and am always looking for a way out. I wish I had family to hide out with but I do not. Thank God my daughter has her father and does not have to suffer like I do. Getting out of a marriage is easy. Physically leaving your husband is hard. I wish I knew how to leave when there is no money, no car, no place to stay. I feel for you all who live like I do.

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2003

I posted my original message a few months ago...Trying To Leave An Abusive Husband of 7 Yrs. So much has happened. A few days ago, my husband beat me up. He also beat my 16 yr old son up. He had NEVER HIT ME BEFORE!!!!! But I always new he was capable of it. My daughter called 911 and the police arrested him. He was charged w/Assault & Battery Domestic Violence. He now has a restraining order against him. He entered a guilty plea and got 30 days jail sentence which was suspended. He is on probation for 1 yr and has to attend 36 batterer counseling sessions within a year. He still thinks he did nothing wrong!!!! He has ALWAYS blamed the kids and I for making him lose his temper. I had no choice but to file for a divorce. I have no job, no money and on top of that, my 14 yr old daughter is severely mentally disabled so there is no one who can watch her during the days so I can work. I am really upset because when he CHOSE to beat us up, he stole my choices right out from under me. I am scared, worried about the future because I don't know how I can provide a home, food, etc. for my kids. But I know this for sure...NO ONE WILL EVER HIT ME AGAIN. NO ONE WILL EVER HIT MY KIDS AGAIN! Remember when you read this...I have been married to this man for over 7 yrs and it took him all this time to actually hit me. These kinds of people don't stop being abusive, they get WORSE! Thanks for reading this. Janie

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2003

Jane. I'm so sorry it had to turn out this way but it's no suprise. It's now time to look to the future and make plans for you and your daughter WITHOUT your ex-husband. Don't ever let him back into your lives unless he has a radical change and changes his life. Only Jesus Christ can do that for him and only if he asks for help. Otherwise it will be more of the same. Surely God was with you or you/your daughter would've been more seriously injured or maybe even killed.

If you have a local chapter of SWAN [stop woman abuse now] get in touch with them. Talk to the officials who dispense Government assistance like food stamps and income. Your situation is not all that unique or scarce. Lots of folks find themselves in a situation not unlike yours and they can and do get help from the Government. It's not a disgrace to receive nor accept this help--that is what it is there for.

Please find a church you can attend. There is nothing like a loving church family to have to lean on and share with.

Gods Richest blessings on you and your precious daughter. Keep on keeping on. Please also keep us posted--WE CARE! Praying for you.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2003

I feel for you. I too am in a situation were my husband is verbally abusive and has gone as far as push me. He hit me once , but I believed him it was an accident. Its so hard to leave and financially most woman with out an education can't make it. With out a group of friends for support it makes it almost impossible. My husband moved me far away from everyone I know. 30 hrs to be exact. It will cost me 3000 to rent a uhaul and move. Not including the GAS ! where to move too ? I have no job. He won't let me work. And I hve 3 little girls. I pray for the lottery everyday ! I can't leave without beds for my babies and there clothes. Where are we to go ? I can't stand most of my family. Step parents and My brother has his own family. Please pray for a miricle for me as I will pray for you ! C

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2003