As he stepped out of the darkness of the cave, the light from the outdoors instantly blinded him, causing him to blink rapidly, as he put his pale, thin hands to his face to shield off the rays of the powerful sun…. stumbling forward, he could feel the cool, damp darkness of the cave give way to the soft earth, and as his eyes adjusted, he noticed a multitude of colors arise in the field before him. The lush, dancing greens of the wild grasses, that swayed in the breeze, as if though the wind was playing in them, the deep, blue hues of the sky spotted with pure white, speckled like a robins egg…. He lifted his head, and gazed back at the cave from whence he came, staring into the gaping maw of the tunnel, filled with pitch-blackness…. he could not help but wonder how he had been able to navigate the confines of this treacherous tunnel at all, it seemed so dark right now, before his eyes….

He turned back to the field, which seemed so surreal, he was sure he had seen it all somewhere before, in a painting, perhaps? Grass wafting in the breeze, the enormous trees seemed to stretch upwards to infinity, he could not make out the tops, and the sun…oh, the bright sun…he felt warmth on his shoulders unlike anything he felt before…it had been so cool and damp in the cave, and he had been standing outside for only about 30 seconds, and already he could feel the warmth of the solar rays reaching him, prodding his shoulders, giving life to his weary arms…. he felt energized at once, felt immediately uplifted, spirits soaring….he wanted to do nothing but prance around outside in the grasses, under the warm sun…the greens called his name, asked him to come play with them…but he remembered why he came… and, he sighted the target of destination nearby, a small, blue pond that shimmered and rippled in the breeze..

He brushed tufts of his sandy-brown hair off of his forehead, revealing a small, pale face, as he approached…gazing into the pond, the wind dies down, and the waters calmed...he could see a perfect mirror of himself standing in the pond, looking unto him as he looked into it…he saw his own face in the pure, undulating waters of the pond….his light hair brushed gently to the side, deep blue eyes fixated on his own image, his small frame reflected in its entirety…and he reached his left hand into his left vest pocket, and procured a small, round, dull object, about the size of a tennis ball…brushing if off gently with his right hand, bits of the dullness seemed to flake off, and it sparkled ever so slightly a bright, reddish color…..taking the orb into his right hand, he gingerly bent down on the crest of the pond, and placing the orb between his thumb and forefinger, dipped the orb into the waters…as they rippled around the orb, the waters grew darker, slowly…until the surface was no longer reflective…and then when it was completely submerged, he removed it, slowly bringing it up, gently…and as the top of the orb appeared form the surface, it had lost it’s rusty tint, and now shone in a radiant red light…

Completely removing the orb from the now-murky pond, he dried it off on his shirt, and held it at arms length to observe the tint…it was sparking, shining like a thousand suns, giving off a beautiful garnet-colored light that seemed to entrance him….and he got up from the crest of the pond, and stared at the orb, holding it up to the sun, gleaming brightly from his hand…and, he placed the orb in his pocket, and wandered into the grassy fields, back toward the yawning jaws of the dark cave, clutching his treasure tightly, and he disappeared into the darkness of the cave…..

-- Davey Rootbeer (yankeefans2@juno.com), September 23, 2002

Answers

I wrote this for english class a few days ago, and I got an A- on it....

-- Davey Rootbeer (yankeefans2@juno.com), September 23, 2002.

Davey, you use too much hang in your writing. Too much "..." in sentences. If you need to create dramatic pause, just break it down into smaller sentences. Or have the character verbally say something like
'"Whats goin..." and then he stopped with a startled gasp.

But other then that, its good. :)

-- KillerCrud (killercrud@hotmail.com), September 23, 2002.

Hmm, I think it's good too. Also, I found the title interesting. Maybe you got the idea from where I think you did?

-- Kant (kant@kant.com), September 26, 2002.

i actually wrote this after i played ff9....maybe it's a vague referrence to the treasure hunters inside the caves between the continents...

-- Davey Rootbeer (yankeefans2@juno.com), September 27, 2002.