September 11, 2002

Please someone help:

I stumbled on this site tonight and am desperate for answers. I have a 20 year old son who has been highly emotionally abusive and has been physically abusive to a lesser degree to me and pinching my 6 year old disabled child. Many of the problems stem from not being able to access services for my younger child and the frustration that has built up in my child not having the coping skills to deal with his brother's disability. He is very angry and refuses to graduate high school, clean his room or clean up after himself, cut his hair.

I have given an ultimatum to my 20 year old son that he must get immediate treatment for his anger, frustration, interfering in my parenting my 6 year old and occasional marijuana abuse. My son has unfortunately taken over the role of father since his own father died four years ago.

My son told me today he is refusing to seek treatment and I have told him that he must leave because he refuses to acknowledge or seek help for his problems. He is on the lease with me and my other child. How can I get him out? I am having to seek refuge in domestic violence shelter to get away from him. I have had police out many times because he scared me so. He locked me in my room and prevented me from using the phone.

Does anyone know how to get rid of a 20 year old boy who refuses to leave?

Please help. Any advice is welcome.

Mom in California

-- Anonymous, September 12, 2002

Answers

This is a very difficult ,emotional situation for you. I have come across this situation in my work as a Domestic Violence Advocate and I believe that you need to consider a restraining order on your son.Your local domestic violence crisis center should be able to assist you with this.This will enable you and your 6 year old to be safe in your home and will force your older son to shape up or suffer the consequences of his behavior as a young adult! I am familiar with the process in NH but your local crisis center will know thw process in CA. It seems that you are supporting your family and so you should not have to leave your home. If you do, will your son be able or willing to pay the bills so that home will still be there in the future for you,or will he get you into a financial hole for you to come back to? Think about this...what would you do if this was a stranger treating you this way? Our children have no right to treat us in a way we would not allow others to...You will in the long run help your son by being firm in your resolve. He is an adult and you have an obligation to protect your 6 year old and a right to protect yourself. Good Luck...

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2002

I think that you should sit down and talk to your 20 year old son and ask him why he is doing this to you and your 6 year old son and compremise with him and persuade him to get help and then go to the police if it doesnt work out Good Luck

-- Anonymous, November 20, 2002

i think that you should sit down and talk to your older son and try to persuade him to get help,you could just tell him that if bhe doesnt stop you will kill vyourself! thANKYOPU REBECCA KENT AND VERITY EVANS

-- Anonymous, November 20, 2002

Ido not have such experiance , but i want say something obout that .. be curfull with him .give him a lot of happines ,

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2003

I'm nearly twenty adn it's easy for me to imagine how your son has become this angry considering his situation. I do not take his side however, infact I think what he has done is very wrong, and I think it's possible that his anger prevents him from seeing you and your other children as family. Instead I think he has found his life stifling and claustrophobic, which has caused him to lash out in this way. Although I think the safety of you and your other children are the priority perhaps it would help if you can find a place for him to focus and move his life along.

I hope this helps, I'm sorry I can't be any more use. Best wishes

ARobertshaw

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2003