i have been married almost a year. My husband and i had a couple of bad fights after we got married. We both started getting violent. The other day, we had a bad argument and he punched me in my neck. we started physically fighting then he started choking me and told me he could kill me. This has happened before and i am also at cause because i fight back but i am tired of it. Everytime this happens we make up. Am i a victim of domestic violence? Or is he? should i leave him? i really need help?

-- Anonymous, July 22, 2002

Answers

From what I can tell from limited info, just because you fight back does NOT make you the perpatrator. Does he try to control your actions, thoughts, and beliefs? Does he act like he's superior to you? Then you are being abused even if you are fighting back. I suggest calling a local domestic violence hotline and taking steps to help before he kills you.

-- Anonymous, July 22, 2002

you r a victim. please help yourself, you may not think that what i say is much help, i am only fifteen. but you know deep in your heart u r a victim, this is not your fault at all. a simple argument, does not have to lead to your husband choking you. and please get out of it now, if its only been a year and this is alredy going on what do you think will happen in another year or 2 years. hunny, i gaurente that what happened was not your fault.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2002

Get out of this relationship before you become a statistic. I caution you that battered spouses (even if you are just dating) are at their greatest risk when their abusers realize they have lost their control and you are really leaving. Use some common sense and don't get into a fight with him about it.

That being said, it is too simple to say that you have no fault. Take responsibility for your part and recognize how you got here. A vey high percentage of women in abusive relationships have been in other abusive relationships. Get some counseling to learn about why you're attracted to an abusive male, and how to "break the cycle" as they say. Good Luck.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2002