I am unsure whre else to go so I hope that someone can give me some advice or at least just listen to me. I have been with this woman for three years now just recently we moved in together. We have no children and we are both in our early 30's. Our relationship before the move in was good, we had all the normal relationship concerns and problems but we usually worked our way out of our problems and we continued to grow as individuals and as a couple. It was not easy we lived an hour away from one another and we both worked full time but we survived. We had respect for one another, we had passion for one another. I love this woman and I wanted to be with her and eventually marry her so I decided I would move in with her. We talked and decided on a course of action that would help us both out. I had a good job before and I gave it up and went back to school so I could actually start a career. I sacrificed a lot to be with her and at first it seemed like it was going to be okay, then the problems began. I dont know what happened but we lost our passion for one another, she became very cold with me and often ignored my concerns. There was a reason why I never finished college and it was really hard for me to go back after all these years being out and rather than being supportive of my goals she often is very demeaning and not helpful at all when I need her. The past month has been the worst she yells at me all the time to get her point across and often times the things she tells me are very hurtful and spiteful. I try talking to her about this and about how I feel and this just leads to her telling me how weak I am and that I act like a "girl". Last month we got into a very big argument and when I tried talking to her about it she started to throw things at me. I was very angry by this time and she charged at me and started to strike me on my chest and face. I just held her so she couldnt hit me anymore and she stopped. I was so hurt and very upset but I couldnt even get her to talk about this. In a few days we talked and she made me feel like it was all my fault, and to an extent I agree that the initial argument was my fault but I never asked to be hit or did I even hint at wanting to do the same to her. A few days ago I thought we had a breakthrough I got ther to listen to me we went for a long walk we talked and we even cried together. There were promises of renewed commitment and change. I felt good about it, school is just about done and we have plans on moving and starting our life together. Well yesterday that all changed. There was an argument and if needed I can recall it but I will get to the main point. Once again she got in my face and started to yell at me then she pushed me, at that time I tried to change the focus and I sat down on the bed to not pose a threat or challenge, she then pushed me again jumped on top of me and she started to hit me and choke me. I actually didnt know what to do at this time but I managed to break her grip from around my throat and I pushed her off. She told me to leave and that if I didnt she was going to call the cops and say I beat her. I refused to leave so she then left, she came back a few hours later and said we needed a break (I dont disagree) but once again she blames it on me and has not taken any responibility for her actions. Well we havent spoke since but have just avoided each other. To tell everyone the truth I am not even wanting to talk in fear of a similar outcome. I dont know what to do, I have no place to go, I dont know anyone very well in this town as I have only been here a few months and I have one more week of school. Bottom line I depend on her right now and perhaps she is taking advantage of this. I cant take this anymore and of course I still have very deep feelings for her. I think I know what I have to do but I seriously want to try to work this out, we had it good before so I know we are capable of being in amutually caring and respectful relationship. This isnt easy on me and I dont know where to turn to for help. I have bruises and deep scratch marks on my arms and emotionally I am very depressed. It should be a happy time right now as I am accomplishing goals I had set out to do a decade ago, but instead I am alone and sad. I never grew up in an absuive home and this is very foreign to me. What can I do? Thank you for listening. Tony

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2002

Answers

Hi: My story is John #1 at the SAFE website. What you have described sounds a lot like my wife used to be and at times, still is. Not that you can do much about it, except leave, try to see if there is a patern with respect to her periods. If so, she may have the severe form of PMS, Premenstrual Syndrome. If her cruel behaviour increases more and more before her period, then disappears, or almost does when she has her period, this is a sure sign of PMS. Many jokes are made about PMS but the worst form of it can destroy lives. There are several books on the subject. Of course this may just be a terrible character flaw on her part but either way, she's already hinted that she might use false allegations against you. If she does (and she probably will) the system will tear you to shreads. Since you have no kids, get the hell out of there. Ron

-- Anonymous, May 06, 2002

Tony: I hope you will call your local librarian and have her help you find a domestic violence hotline number - or talk to a pastor or church counselor, even if you don't attend church. I pray God leads you to just the right person for you to talk to. Cynthia

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2002

Why even wonder? Don't waste anymore time. Leave and cut your ties with her forever. Find a woman worth your time. Yes, it's that simple. No need to complicate things or enable yourself to endure disrespect. Don't waste anymore of your life with a person that acts that way.

-- Anonymous, May 13, 2002

Complex problem Tony, simple answer.... = Hit the bitch back. HARDER.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2002

I AM GOING THROUGH A SIMILER SITUATION. MY WIFE VERBALLY AND EMOTIONALY ABUSES ME AND MY 4 CHILDREN EVERY DAY.SHE ALAYS BLAMES THE FAMILY FOR EVERYTHING SHE CLAIMS SHE DOES NO WRONG.LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE..WE BOTHE WORK IT TAKES BOTH INCMES COMBINED TO PAY THE BILLS .A YEAR AGO SHE STOPPPED HELPING OUT ON THE BILLS .I HAD TO STRUGGLE TO KEEP UP .I KEPT ASKING HER TO HELP. NO SUCH LUCK.EVERY TIME A BILL COLLECTOR WOULD CALL SHE WOULD SCREAM AT MY CALL ME EVERYNAME IN THE BOOK AND DEMAND AN EXPLINATION. OF COURSE IT WAS MY FAULT ACCORDING TO HER. ANYWAY LAST MONTH THE REPO MAN CAME AND TOOK OUR CAR.THAT WAS THE FINAL STRAW. I GAVE HER THE BOOT. MY CHILDREN I FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS FEEL ALIVE AGAIN.SO TONY CUT YOUR TIES AND START A NEW LIFE.GOODLUCK.

-- Anonymous, September 15, 2002

WEll well well, I must admit that your situation is simular to mine, but I do have two kids which I know makes the whole situation worse. She(my wife), has had a very hard upbringing back in africa, then was brought to denmark here where I am living now to start a new life. Which of course she tried but having loads of problems due to the fact that she had been verbally abused and most probably phyisically too. So these bad things , I beleive have been so called impregnated into her brain as a child. And ofcourse a child cannot quite understand these feelings let alone know what to do about them. Anyway so as an adult all these bad feelings have been brought to the surface by certain everyday situations and the extreme anger and totall mis-understanding and confusion have been displayed when she has felt powerless. But I would just like to state that when a ( normal ) person gets angry or upset or frustrated or whatever ,,,her reaction to the same situations is roughly 10 fold so you can imagine how loud this lion will roar , if you get my drift.. Anyway now I have known her for the past 11 years , we have 2 beautiful children together. They are now 8yrs and 4yrs. For as long as I can remember they have been abused by her, in the beginning very mildly and through the years progressing to be a much more kind of a concentrated thing. I HAVE AND STILL DO FEEL POWERLESS AND HELPLESS, I donīt know what to do. Well some people say( Why the hell are you still in that situation?, get yourself out right now and get yourself a life,, your kids will be ok as long as they can see and feel that there dad is happy and content ), It is easy to say but hard to do. Because for many years I have felt that I have been protecting my kids from her (out of control bursts of anger and abuse )... Anyway this message was not about me .. I should try and help you to get through your tough time you are having with your woman....Well you could just say to yourself(Mmmm well if this relationship was meant to be then I suppose that I would still be in it and I would be happy), but you are not happy! So one conclusion is that you will have to go through a very short period of time where you will have to work hard saving what money you can to get your self a room to live and through all this time you must try not to meet or even talk to her in the phone. And when you have made a base for yourself you will suddenly start to see the whole situation in a completely different light. You will feel stronger, and she will also see that Oh shit this guy is not weak he can stand on his own two feet. She will stop treating you as a nothing and if there is still some love left she will respect you again , but in adifferent way and of course as a ( SOMETHING ).WELL i MEAN TO SAY A( somebody), AND YOU WILL POSSIBLY BE ABLE TO RESCUE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. Right I think that that is enough for now... I hope that you can understand my way of thinking .... from a friend who can understand you confusion and pain.. ps: I would be very happy to receive a mail from you.. Thankyou!!!! T.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2002

Did Real Madrid win?

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2003