My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning-medicine.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads!

Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)

Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up Procrastinate Now

Rehab Is for Quitters

My Dog Can Lick Anyone

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?

Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.

Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15.

ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING

West Virginia: One Million People and 15 last names

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead

Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on. FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

-- Ken S. in WC TN (scharabo@aol.com), March 24, 2002

Answers

"If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles." — (Doug Larson)

"A conclusion is the place where you got tired thinking."

"Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness."

"The trouble with most people is that they would rather be ruined by praise than saved by critcism." (Norman Vincent Peale)

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help

-- clod in wisc. (brushfarmer@hotmail.com), March 24, 2002.

'Tis better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you're a food than open it and remove all doubt."

-- Trevilians (Trevilians@attbi.net), March 24, 2002.

Oops! I guess I'm the fool. That's suppose to be fool not food!

-- Trevilians (Trevilians@attbi.net), March 24, 2002.

Oh these are FABULOUS!!!

-- Bonnie (51940@aeroinc.net), March 24, 2002.

Road sign: One old dog. One young dog. Several Stupid dogs. Please drive carefully!

-- =) (=)@nope.com), March 24, 2002.

"Most folks don't recognize opportunity when it knocks because it is disquised as hard work in overalls. " -Thomas Edison

-- Najia (najia274@yahoo.com), March 24, 2002.

People who always have to put something away in is proper place are just too lazy to look for it when they really need it.

-- charles (cr@dixienet.com), March 24, 2002.

The mightiest oak was once a little nut that held it's ground.

-- malinda (teneniel_80@yahoo.com), March 24, 2002.

If you give a boy and a pig everything they want you'll end up with a good pig and a bad boy.

If thine enemy wrongs thee, buy each of his children a drum.

Live so that you would not mind giving the family parrot to the town gossip.

Patience and a mulberry leaf will make a silk gown.

For a happy marriage, never shout at one another unless the house is on fire.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.

-- Jeff (lorianandjeff@aol.com), March 24, 2002.

There are three kinds of people, those who make things happen those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.

If you're going through hell, keep going.

Jo Ann

-- Jo Ann Weaver (hillfarm3@peoplepc.com), March 26, 2002.

A PENNY FOR ME IS A PENNY THAT IS SPENT 20 MINUTES LATER LOL

-- bart levi (bassmaster11_7@yahoo.com), March 26, 2002.

Opportunity knocks only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

-- Bonnie (stichart@plix.com), March 27, 2002.