I am a 55 YO grandmother of a 14 yo boy. I have legal custody of him. He has a history of being abused by his mother and by her boyfriends since age 4. Also sexual molestation at some pre-verbal age. Diagnosed with ADHD at age 5, with PTSD age 7, with possible Bipolar or Defiance type Disorder currently. He is under care of both a Psychiatrist and a GOOD therapist. We have/are also involved in family therapy to help with our interaction & "promote domestic tranquility." Problem is that he has become emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive to me. I have had to call police when he has had 'tantrums' & I am afraid of him. He breaks things, etc. He is, of course, acting out and reacting to his own abuse, I do recognize that. However, I do not feel safe with him any more and the constant stress of fighting with him over every little thing (including taking his meds) and, in particular, his access to MY computer (he having wrecked his own) is making me ill. I am afraid of him - afraid he will hurt me more than he has, in one of his blind rages. I also have a serious physical condition (life threatening) that was under control but is now being exacerbated by this stress. Due to his mother's drug use (and previous abandonments of him) and his father's drug use and general shiftlessness (no home, etc.) he can not live with either parent. There is no other family member who could take him or is willing to do so. I fear that juvenile facilities would be so traumatic to him (due to his abuse & abandonment history) that he would revert to previous emotional state and regress to the point that he is unable to function in school, etc. I have only four years to help him overcome his abusive past, learn to make mature judgments and decisions, etc. Does anybody have any advice for me? Thank you!

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2002

Answers

Grandma, this is certainly a difficult situation. It actually reminds me a little of my younger brother. He is 11 years younger than me (he's 15 now) and a couple years ago tried to kill himself. He would frequently act out against our mother, and his father was a long time drug addict (he is dead now, about a year ago).

Personally, I don't believe ADHD is real. I think it is a personality trait that people have designated a disorder. Kids who have this supposed disease, are generally creative and active kids. They are probably harder to handle, but there is nothing about having a short attention span that is immoral or inhuman. Perhaps you could just take him off all the drugs, and deal with him as a person.

Perhaps a home wouldn't be a bad idea either, although I understand you being aprehensive about this option. The main thing I worry about is that I assume you are physically inferior to him, and could be hurt.

God bless and good luck.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2002