Last night I was talking to my sweetheart by phone. I was tired and was trying to say "goodnight." (It was after 11PM) I think she didn't want to end our conversation so she brought up a topic that she knew would get me excited. She started talking about a man who she has met several times at the place where she works. This guy is one of their customers and she is the receptionist. She spoke admiringly about him (ie, his occupation, his rugged good looks, his age, his hobbies, "he's single," etc.) I let her talk about him and didn't respond (even tho I was hurt and angry). She kiddingly said, "I have to keep my options open in case our relationship falls thru." In her defense, she also said that when this guy comes in and they talk that all she talks about is me. Now here's my dilemma, should I let this slide or should I talk to her about how this hurts me. Several times before she has spoken admirably about other men and I've told her that it hurts....so why did she do it again? Is my skin too thin? Am I over emotional? Am I insecure about our relationship? Seems to me that since I've told her before that things like this get me upset that she'd be cognisent of my feelings....unless she was just trying to get my goat so I'd stay on the phone longer.

How do the rest of you feel when your friend talks admiringly about someone of the opposite sex?
Thanks for your input.

-- Sss Sss (sss@sss.com), March 22, 2002

Answers

I think the message if said straight forward would be: "Your comming on too fast".

-- mitch hearn (moopups@citlink.net), March 22, 2002.

Sounds like you are being played to me!!! My advice be careful Again only my opinion!! Grizz!!

-- Grizz workin near D.C. (southerneagle@yahoo.com), March 22, 2002.

Here's the way I see it. You have told her it hurts you when she brings the man up, I would guess it makes her feel good to know you are hurt by this because it makes her feel important to you.

All she talks about to him is you, sounds like she is trying to get a reaction from him.

She wants to keep her options open incase your relationship doesn't work seems to me she does not see your relationship working out.

I am no expert but I see trouble in the future. Maybe what she needs is for you to let her spread her wings and see where she flys too.

I have been there myself, only thing is I was the one doing what your girlfriend is doing, and what I was trying to say to my partner is, "Leave me because I don't want to hurt you by leaving you first."

Understand, I could be way out in left field with this because I do not know either you or your girlfriend. Maybe the best thing for you to do is sit down with her face to face and have a heart to heart talk. I think if you do by the time your talk is over you will know where you stand with her. In the end listen to your heart.

-- george nh (rcoopwalpole@aol.com), March 22, 2002.

old saying If you love something set it free if it comes back its ment to be!! Hells angels Version If you love something set it free if it dont come back go out and hunt it down !! LOL!

-- Grizz workin near D.C. (southerneagle@yahoo.com), March 23, 2002.

alot of "GALS" answered this one, huh?

-- Stan (sopal@net-pert.com), March 23, 2002.

Isn't it interesting that SssSss asks for the help of the "gals" and gets a bunch of answers from guys?

I will only say that I once had a guy in my life that got all bent out of shape any time I talked about anyone but him, man or woman. He isn't in my life any more.

Susan

-- Susan in MN (nanaboo@paulbunyan.net), March 23, 2002.

Sorry but sounds like an insecure gal to me. I dated a guy that would often tell me about the gals at the bank that fell all over him when he walked in, about the ex-wife that wanted him back, about the lady down the road that...... well you get the picture. It bothered me at first until I realized his insecurities. When he would start in, I would just say " and what is your point?" It stopped shortly thereafter. Is your skin thin? no..... she is just immature and insecure. Call her on it, tell her if she isn't through needing more than one person in her life, to find someone else. Who needs the headache?

-- Carole (carle@earthlink.net), March 23, 2002.

Very insecure and sounds like she's just trying to make you jealous. I'd definitely call her on it. Trying to keep you on the line ? By hurting you? I'd try telling her again that it doesn't make you jealous or want her more, it just hurts. If she does it again, after you're SURE she understands your feelings, it'll never change. Jill

-- Jill (lance1_86404@yahoo.com), March 24, 2002.

Sorry about not really giving my advise. I just told it from another angle.

I guess if I was you and had told her, as you have stated, that it is hurtful to you for her to keep talking about these guys and she doesn't listen. Why hang around? I'm old enough that I don't want to have to retrain/raise someone. If I can't find someone who respects me and my feelings than I don't want anyone. Don't waste the time it my always be a problem in the relationship

Susan

-- Susan in MN (nanaboo@paulbunyan.net), March 24, 2002.

Dear Sss Sss,

(you've either got a slow leak or you are a snake, but thats another show altogether)

Regarding your concerns about your sweetheart trying to keep you on the phone by "baiting you" by mentioning another man:

1. You show real promise (for a man) when you observed that you think she was just trying to keep the conversation going...sounds like she wasn't finished talking and that means: a) She didn't feel you were really listening b) There was ANOTHER issue that needed to be addressed c) or she wasn't through sharing

In any case, there was still WORK left to be done, and sounds like she's an "old-fashioned" type of gal who doesn't want to let a problem go unresolved with the setting sun. (Good advise, I hand that one out a lot.)

Unresolved issues, like this, just continue to fester and are better dealt with sooner that later. Or, as in this case, they continually re-emerge, much to the frustration of BOTH parties.

Regarding her bringing up the topic of "this other man", because she "talks about you" to him, she is NOT seriously considering pursuing a relationship with him. She was just "pushing your buttons".

As for the quip "I have to keep my options open in case our relationship falls thru":

That IS a warning volley of sorts and it appears to have (FINALLY) gotten through your thick Nordic skull and gotten your attention.

(You are Nordic, aren't you? I'm thinking German/Scandahoovian descent. I'm usually very good at determining social/cultural/attitudinal idiosyncrasies. Just call me "Sister Cleo", what can I say? Its a gift.)

WORD OF WARNING!!!

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU TEACH THIS GAL!

If less drastic measures had worked, she would not have felt compelled to go all out!

Sounds like all she really wants (and needs) is a reaffirmation of your committment to your future together.

You did that, right?

You ASSURED her that she is a part of your REAL future and you are finding ways of bringing her into your REAL life, aren't you?(if indeed these are your honest intentions)

Maybe thats all she is really asking. Or maybe she needs a "timeline" so that she'll better be able to focus her energies.

Listen, Sss, many kind folks here have offered you their 2 pesos. Its been my experience that you get what you pay for.

Seems to me if you wanted REAL expert advise on relationships , you might have done a little bit better than posting your question to a board of SINGLES. They are singles for a reason.

If THEY were all experts on relationships, do you really think they'd be here...alone?

When there is a level of insecurity in a relationship, as this lady has expressed, its usually because some need is not being met.

(Just for the record, Sss, everyone who has offered their opinion here, is "assuming" that your relationship is under "normal" circumstances.

I, for one, think there may be more to this story than meets the eye and that the people you have asked for opinions might reconsider their advise if they knew all the facts. Be cautious of who's counsel you seek.)

I sense that this lady has risked everything , that she is willing to give everything , maybe even made some pretty dramatic changes in her life to make it all happen...

...and maybe she's just scared.

Maybe she is feeling overwhelmed by betting it all on "you",

by putting all her faith and hope and dreams and trust in you.

Maybe she just needs reassuring that she'll be able to "hang on" until it all happens.

And then again, maybe she just needs to be held a little tighter.

Dr. Laurel

-- Dr. Laurel (drlaurel@relationships.com), March 24, 2002.

dUMP HER AND GET A REAL WOMAN. One that is not so blind to your feelings. Causually mentioning a "man at the workplace" and doing what she is doing are 2 different issues. If she is insensitive to your feelings now, it will only grow as you 2 stay together. Sounds like she has to be the center of attention and wants you to be jealous. DUMP HER.

-- Bonnie in indiana (queqid@att.net), March 25, 2002.