I really like it here because nobody makes fun of my ignorance. Here's the latest problem that has tripped my reality switch.

Now, I was watching a movie last night and it had vampires in it. I'm not a student of vampires and I don't have any personal knowledge about them and none are close friends, that I know about but, I know a couple of things from watching other movies about them. One of the things that I know is that their image doesn't reflect in a mirror. Now, since that is an established fact, how do the female vampires put on make-up? How do the male ones shave. How do they know they're not walking around with blood on their chin? How do they know that they have a piece of lettuce in their teeth? Do they survive hundreds of years not knowing what they look like? When someone cringes and makes the sign of a cross to ward them off, how do they know if it's from fear or because they're hideously ugly? If you have mirrors in the bedroom and over the bed and make love to a vampire, is that considered "self gratification" since when you look in the mirrors, you're the only one there?

Wildman, (inquiring minds, etc.)

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

Answers

Females don't apply makeup -- once they become vampires, they develop deathly white skin, heavy eyeshadow, and scarlet lips. This also happens to the make vampires. Even the (formerly) hairiest males stop producing facial hair. Everyone (both sexes) develop "widow's peak" hairlines.

They don't have lettuce stuck in their teeth because they don't EAT lettuce or anything like that. If there is a dribble of blood or a bit of flesh stuck in their teeth, they don't care. They don't care WHY someone is cringing and/or making the sign of the cross. BTW, making the sign of the cross or holding up a crucifix to a vampire is only effective if said vampire was a Christian before being bitten and turned into a vampire. That this is always effective is a movie myth! Garlic is not fool-proof either!

About the mirrors and making love and self-gratification, well, you can't make love with a vampire -- they don't do that. YOU might think that's what's going on, but they're really just sucking out your life's blood. And if you get off on that, that you're a sick puppy!

{All with tongue firmly in cheek! ;-) }

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

Oh Joy, I'm sure you must have seen this coming when you posted, "You might think that's what's going on, but they're really just sucking out your life's blood". I think that's happened numerous times in my life and they weren't vampires. Well, not in the sense of vampires in movies but I guess they were vampires in another sense. So, I guess what you're saying is if I look in the mirror and they're not there then I shouldn't be either?

And Joy, I'm not talking to you anymore because you seem to KNOW an AWFUL lot about real vampires and if crosses and garlic don't work, I don't want to play anymore! I can't afford silver bullets or is that another baddie?

Wildman, (eyes shut tight)

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

Wildman I must refer you to the vampire chronicles (Anne Rice). I've read those books and she is definitly the source for info. Say weren't you supposed to thro you stash away??.....Kirk

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

You arn't foraging for mushrooms are you ? If so , get an identification book . :>)

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

I never realized how much vampires resemble ex wives and teenage children. :>)

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

Bwahahahahah -- Joy knows so much about vampires from long association with me and my fascination with the horror genre. I probably talked her ears off about it as a child, teenager, and so on (that's why she wears her hair long -- no ears left). Of course there was the time that we sat up in the 'late' hours (almost until midnight! Gosh!!) watching 'The Horror of Dracula', or was that 'The Brides of Dracula'? Probably the latter, it was a real stinkbug anyway.

Recent vampire legends have it that the crucifix does not work unless the person wielding the cross has belief in it....but as we all know from watching 'The Fearless Vampire Killers, or, Pardon Me, But Your Teeth Are In My Neck' by Roman Polanski, that doesn't work on Jewish Vampires.

Vampires as femme fatale lovers, etc....another new invention. Who'd find someone with coffin-hair and blood-breath attractive? Before Bram Stoker's invention, they were sometimes compelling in a Svengali like way, but also hideously repulsive. More often they just returned as little more than devious zombis with really hideous personal hygiene to suck their family and friends dry.

Silver bullets don't work -- that's for Werewolves. (another fond subject of mine...don't get me onto the Werewolf of Walworth County! Yup, we've got one here in Wisconsin!)

As far as the use of the crucifix goes, that's a recent invention, Bram Stoker's, I believe. Previously, garlic was supposed to repel vampires (supposed to), altho other methods were advised, such as planting a wild rose or white hawthorn on the grave to keep a vampire there (the thorns supposedly hindered them), as well as cutting off the head (messy), and the old stake through the chest to 'nail' them into their coffin and the grave. You could also stop the dead from walking by turning them face down in the coffin...that was done to one of the real Dracula's brothers, by the bye -- beheaded & buried face down. (his oldest brother, Mikael)

Vampires & mirrors...as far as I know, another Stoker invention. Mirrors were always covered with cloths when there was a death in the household so that the spirit could not live in that alternate dimension and return -- leaving one uncovered risked having the dead return.

And lastly did I mention that in Hungary, people with red hair used to be viewed as potential vampires? Did I mention that Joy has red hair?

(whoo hoo, I just love folklore...)

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

Speaking of stinkbugs, it seems my sister is one . . . {rolling eyes} Not only do I have no ears, now it's suspicious that I have red hair?!?! Um, Jules, just exactly what color hair is it that you think YOU have? :-P Aren't the redheads the "natural born witches" too (well, that one might be right . . . )?

Wildman: So, I guess what you're saying is if I look in the mirror and they're not there then I shouldn't be either? Yeah, you got it. Of course by then, it's kinda late, isn't it? Best not to get there in the first place. You could always try carrying a mirror with you and hold it up to see if she shows up, long before you get into such a dangerous situation. Why are you running away from me?

Ha ha, one of my favorite college memories: Sitting in the TV lounge with many of my college friends, lights off, watching "The Horror of Dracula" (starring Christopher Lee, natch) -- on the commercial I zipped off to my dorm room and collected my glow-in-the-dark vampire fangs. Just before the next commercial, I popped them in my mouth, then grinned at all who happened to look my way. The guy who fell off the sofa was the funniest reaction, but I got a few shrieks out of them too. {evil cackling}

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

I dunno guys. About this garlic thing I mean. If vampires come in the form of would-be lovers, wives etc, the garlic thing has always worked for me. Garlic breath does tend to repell would-be lovers and I'm sure there musta been a vampiress in there somewhere.

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

You mean to tell me vampires don't make love? That really sucks, I mean bites. What ever, in the movies they always are seducing the women, and I suppose it works the other way around too. Never could figure out the garlic thing myself. I do know you have to invite one into your house or they can't cross the threshold. However once invited you can't get rid of them, rather pesky creatures from what I understand.

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

You guys are toooo funny!!!

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

Well, actually, I read an article a while back that stated that vampires actually love garlic, wild for the stuff. It's MINT that they can't stand. The problem comes about that after consuming garlic, (bread, pasta, etc.) their breath is so bad from it that they need a breath mint to get anywhere near a potential victim -- and therein lies the rub. They can't find any mints that aren't, well, minty. Mouthwash neither. So garlic is right out.

It also used to be that vampires could get back into their own houses, or any houses that they'd been invited into when alive. In order to keep them out, it was wise to either draw a line of salt over the threshold, or if you didn't have salt, you could sprinkle seeds (mustard seed was most frequently cited, although sometimes radish seeds are mentioned, as well as wheat, rye, and oats. Whatever you've got, apparently.) across the doorway and the vampire, apparently being obsessive-compulsive by nature, was compelled by that nature to pick up and count each and every one of them before continuing on. The idea was that they would still be there when the sun came up, and be turned into a Crispy Critter.

As for red hair, I'm not sure for certain...maybe witches were supposed to have naturally red hair, but then, a lot of latter day information couldn't tell the difference between a vampire and a 'witch' with all the misinformation floating around.

Me? Red hair? Really? I looked in the mirror, but I didn't see anything....

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

I'm safe, my house is surrounded by mint! Oh no, what if one of my kids is a VAMPIRE!

Susan

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

Kirk, you're right and I'm going to burn the stash as soon as I can find where I hid it. Or in what house I hid it. Or in which town I was in when I hid it in the house. If I hid it in the house. I'm not sure where I hid it but I'll find it and burn it. Sooner or later.

Jay, IDENTIFICATION book? Are you telling me that ALL mushrooms aren't edible? Again, I'm one of the last to know!

Julie, you're now on my list of "don't talk to" people. Unless you're a vampire killer there's no way you should know that much about them! Unless you're one!

John, I think the reason the garlic works for you is because it strengthens your immune system and you're immune system is repelling those....uh....whatever they are, things that could hurt you.

Joy, if you'll re-read your last paragraph (about the teeth) I think you'll see why Im running away from you! And now sis has given us even more information. No ears, red hair! Of course, I thought it was little aliens that didn't have any ears but I get confused easily. And I didn't know about the red hair but I'm sure that she wouldn't lie to me.

The bullets do too work on vampires! They turn into bats don't they? I shoot bats with little bullets painted silver and they seem to work so I suspect that a real silver bullet must kill vampires. Hey, it they're good for werewolf's too, then all the better.

Wildman, (Not really shooting bats)

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002

"We can't stop here. This is bat country." (Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

Whatta you mean, vampires don't get frisky?! As any other adult(?) who sat glued to the TV as a kid whenever Dark Shadows came on; I'm SURE that they had licentious intentions. Then again; that show was on in the 70's, wasn't it. Ahhh, the 70's. My memories of that time ARE a bit hazy...or was that smokey?

I bought a friend a book called "How to Marry a Vampire" at the UBS a couple of years ago - I'll have to look the next time I go and see if they have another copy; then perhaps I can give you some tips on vampire mating lore, Wildman.

PS - watch out for those bats - you never know; they might be real....

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2002

Wildman, you probably don't want to know that I spent a very interesting evening with some "real" vampires down in New Orleans a few summers ago...bwa hahahahah!

Please don't tell Angel or Spike that vampires aren't supposed to have sex!

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2002

Sherri, you're now on my "don't talk to list". I sure hope I can remember not to talk to ya'll. If I get many more on the list, I won't have anyone TO talk to.

I know Buffy, the vampire slayer, is a docudrama, so I know that they make love. But then you have to remember that Buffy knows what she's getting into bed with. Most of us don't, until it's too late!

Wildman, (making a long list)

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2002