Judging by the ages of some of us here on this forum...I know that hubby and I aren't the only ones who belong to this sandwich generation!! One day we have to deal with the financial and emotional problems of a 29 yr. old son involved in a less than wonderful marriage and the next day we have to try to uplift the spirits of hubby's mom who is still almost totally dependant on us to fill her empty days (Harry's dad died almost a year and a half ago). Don't get me wrong...we love our son and my MIL, BUT just how much of our support (financially and emotionally) do we give?? Sometimes it seems that it's just draining our own private lives...then we feel guilty for not gving 110% to everyone else!! Even though our homestead here has always been our island of sanity, now we just want to "run" away!! I hope that I don't sound ungrateful for my family but, if there is anyone else in a similar situation...how do you all deal with it????!! Sorry to be posting such a depressing subject.

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2002

Answers

Ouch Marcia!!! The parents part I know what you mean. I was the closest to my parents and when they got old, man what a handfull! I bought them cars, a mobilehome and gave them money every month. Whenever they needed anything they would call me. Ooooo the strain was bad at times. Then when they died there was a part of me that was so relieved! (lot of guilt with that). Then all the STUFF was mostly given to my sis! Anger! And now I really miss my sweet artistic mother! But I hated taking care of her!!!

The answer to your question I guess is you have to do what you have to do and someday it will change! Your not alone on this one cause all over the country people are struggling with old age parents....Much love....Kirk

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2002

Guess you're right, Kirk...I'm gonna do what I (we) have to do!! Thank you! This was all too depressing for you folks to think about anyways :-)!!

I think I'll go look for "fly humor"!

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2002

I hear ya Marcia, BIG TIME! Hell, I was taking care of my mom and my brothers when I was a kid. Some things just never end. And my oldest brother is mentally handicapped and mom doesn't want to think about or make arrangements for getting him into a group home, while at the same time not making him do things that he is capable of doing. So, once again, it will be me who will have to deal with it all.

Last summer, Tom's mom severly broke her leg (real bad osteoporosis) and finally consented to live in an assisted living place. That has relieved some of our obligation. At first she had a fit. Said she could live with us. No way! She's the most prejudiced person imaginable and this cat would have surely tangled with that one.

I hope no one thinks I'm mean about the way I talk about our moms, but my husband and me both had horrible childhoods, and after a lot of counseling we realize that our obligation is to make sure they are fed and have medical care. You just can't force love and respect when you weren't given it as a kid.

Our first obligation is to raise our son, and to nurture our relationship.

At times, I feel like I'm hanging on the the edge of a real tall building by my little toe, but I'm tough and I know I'll hang on.

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2002

I guess when I see things like this I am really grateful that I grew up in a family that followed "corporate protocol". We are always benifiting from each others good fortune, so that when troubles do come, it is spread evenly also. If the right protocol pervails, the "sandwich" can actually be a security barrier. I chuckled often at my ex. While she ranted about how my family and I "round table" pertinent family issues corporate style to weigh costs and responsibility demands to be most equitable and actually drafted contracts to ensure them, she never complained about the things we could never get totally on our own, but did acquire by "proving out" per the terms of those equitable written family contractual agreements.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

Trying to decide what kind of filling I want to be in this here sandwich....

I don't think I can give a helpful answer to this question. Yeah, I live with my 73 yo Pop, Hubs and 17 yo daughter. I can't say that we don't have any problems, but we manage to work out the ones that we do have. The fact that we respect each other has a lot to do with the fact that we manage to get along so well; but the fact that this is just the way that Pop's family has always done things is probably the biggest factor. We take care of family; and family takes care of us. I'm an only child, so I don't really have any others to rely on or feel abused by when it comes to taking care of Pop. I didn't have a bad family life growing up, so we don't have that baggage to carry around either.

My solution, a lot of times, when Pop would get down after Mama died; was to remind him of how much we needed him. I asked his advice on tons of things, had him running to the store or to pick Jes up or to take me somewhere - anything to get him out and moving! Now, I can't hardly keep the man home long enought to say Howdy to! (Mama passed away 12 years ago this past Wednesday; so it does take some time to heal and go on.)

I was probably one of those kids that always needed help. Pop and Mama didn't ever bail me out of high dollar financial problems, but they did make sure I had plenty to eat, and a roof over my head on occasion. Now, I pay for the roof and the groceries. Pop took care of Jes for me while I worked and went to school. I guess that I just expect to do the same for her, when her time comes. What goes around, comes around. Just maybe not from the direction that you expect it to, sometimes!

Best that I could suggest would be to sit down with Hubby and work up some limits - time and money - for what you guys are willing to do for Mom and Son. Let them know that you love them and want to stand by them, but that you need your time too, 'cause otherwise you're going to start feeling used and abused and you don't want to get that started; plus, they need to get a handle on their problems. Let them know that help is a lifeline, not a lifestyle. Get away any time you can - to the boat or whatever. Maybe take Mom to the doc and get her checked out - mention the word depression while you're there. I don't recommend drugging people, but I've seen 20 mg daily of Paxil make a hell of a difference here at home - that, or some other med might work for her. Take her to grief counseling - a support group or something. Stuff her on one of those day drip busses (not to the casinos!) for little old ladies, drop her off at the senior citizens center or peace meals or whatever you might have in your community. I got Pop started going to peace meals when I told him that they would probably have to shut down for lack of participation and then some poor old folks probably wouldn't get a hot meal - or a meal at all; and that they could probably use someone to help carry trays and stuff. I sent him in with extra stuff from the garden "Some of those poor old folks probably can't garden anymore - think of how Granny would have liked this fresh tomato"... Yeah, guilt works!! Though I prefer to call it empathy ;o)

Best wishes, dear Marcia - and remember, Spring is just around the corner!

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

I never wanted to get stuck in the sandwich position which is one of many reasons I decided never to have children. Believe it or not I thought about all this before I was even a teenager. I think most folks don't think about it until they are in the situation, and then of course it is too late.

Ever thought about getting the MIL and the 29 year old together? Perhaps they could help each other out and take a load off you!

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

Vicki...Here I am thinking that we have it "bad"...wow, you really ARE one tough cookie!! I certainly can relate to the horrible childhood situation. But we did our best with our son (only child) and now I think it's best that...as you said...we nurture our own relationship!!

Polly...I can't even begin to remember all the times that Harry and I have offered to help our son in whatever...building, carpentry, food from the garden, fresh chicken, etc. and we supply him and his family with all the milk and eggs they could possibly want. And he gets lots of "perks" from our automotive business. But, since our son (Mike) works here with his dad, lots of Mike's bill collectors call our business to demand his payments. And so then we find out just how bad his financial situation really is. The WE think about HIS situation...not to mention how to NOT give him money to pay his bills!! I know that lots of young families are living from paycheck to paycheck, or even on the street and we don't want that to happen. Worst yet...we don't want them all to move in with us :-)!! How do we just say NO??!!

As for my MIL...we have tried sooo hard to get her involved with folks her own age. She just refuses to socialize (except with family), even with a woman down the street who just recently lost her own husband! We thought they would have lots in common. Have spoken with our own doctor about the situation...she said she will try to stop at my MIL's house some day to talk with her. Heck...we can't even talk MIL into a garden...because "Dave was always in charge of that"!! Dave was Harry's dad. She wont sell her car (standard tranny) and buy an automatic because "Dave said that was the last car they would ever buy"! She is really bad at handling a standard shift!!! This is what we deal with every day with her...whether or not things would be agreeable with "Dave"!! Gets really hard for Harry sometimes. And to tell you the truth...I can't wait til we get the boat back in the water!!!!!!

Debra...my MIL does not get along AT ALL with my son's wife. So she wont associate too much with him, her own grandson! And Jay...that "corporate protocal" thing sounds like a great idea!!

Anyways....spring just can't get here fast enough for us!!!!! Some days I really miss my horses and the long QUIET rides through the woods :-)!

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

Sounds like it's time for tough-love with MIL. She needs a counselor. Yesterday, even. How do you answer her when she gets on the Dave said or Dave did thing? Sounds like she is #1 - in denial in a large and major way; and #2 - somewhat passive/aggressive. Is this whole needy bit driving Harry as nuts as it is you? Is he willing to admit that she needs help? Have you told her that if she isn't willing to put some effort into living her life; then you aren't either? It is not selfish for you to expect to be able to live your life with your husband - it is very selfish of her to expect the two of you to cater to her. Ask her point blank if she is attempting to cause problems in your marriage/distance between you and Harry. If she says no, tell her that by her actions, she is doing so anyway; and if it continues, then you will consider it to be deliberate. She may be conciously or subconciously attempting to get Harry back home, taking care of her. The thing you said earlier about her calling Harry, Dave; made me wonder about this too.

Sounds like both of them are taking advantage - what I said earlier about help should be a lifeline, rather than a lifestyle. It stinks, because you can't make the kids move into a cheaper house, or chop up the credit cards and cut out the frills. The fact that Mike works for you really makes it hard, especially if the bill collectors want you to garnishee his wages. Can you talk them into going to one of those consumer credit counseling things - not the ones that charge; but the ones that are non-profit?

I feel so bad for you, Marcia; wish I was there to haul you off for an afternoon of tea and cookies...hugs to you; and remember - there's always the bathtub to go soak in if things get too annoying!

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

Ya know, Polly, I think the reason we get so frustrated with my MIL is because she could be totally independent if she tried! She is so very healthy and in complete control of her faculties. Whereas my mother is diabetic and has had her driver's license taken because of failing eyesight and instability on her feet. She would give her eyeteeth to be as capable as Harry's mom!! So maybe that's why I get so mad (resentful..maybe??) at the situation. Anyways, I know this is a real strain on Harry. He tries to do the "good son" thing and take care of stuff for her without taking over where his father left off. But he knows that she definitely needs counseling. For a long time there, she was even setting a place at her table (where Dave used to sit) for Harry when he came to visit! We both know that she is trying to replace Dave with Harry. We also know that after living with a person for almost 60 yrs. it has to be extremely difficult to lose that person. Guess no really knows til they're in that situation. I do believe, though, that we're going to have to get "tough" here soon!!

One thing is certain...this whole situation with my MIL has made me realize that I will always try to remain as independent as possible as I grow older. I will never just sit back and have my husband take over and do things for me the way she did! I will always drive myself to places I have to go! I will always pump my own gas! I will always learn how to program my own VCR and change batteries in the flashlight! And I will always carry in the firewood myself...maybe just in smaller loads :-)!!

As for our son...he's on his own!

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2002

I hear you about the idepentdant thing, Marcia; but I'm afraid I'd have to give up movies - no way can I program the VCR!! Heck, I can't even figure out how to change channels on the dish! (Now you all know why I never watch TV!)

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2002