1. CURL UP AND DIE........I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" - Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX

2. PAD PLEASE.......... An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me,and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. - Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC 3. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! - Name Withheld 4. LADY GOLFER................ I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI 5. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." my sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. - Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD 6. PRICELESS.............A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" 7. MOM'S ADVICE......... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

-- Debbie in Mo (risingwind@socket.net), January 24, 2002

Answers

This was sent to me today by a friend. It should be in the bunch you have. Thanks for the laugh!

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny so, of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, but she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him but he said no. I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"

Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!"

While several people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled his pants up and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!

Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!

Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all time. I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."

-- Susan northern MN (nanaboo@paulbunyan.net), January 24, 2002.

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love them . . . . . good for a belly laugh for sure.

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!

-- quinn wolfe (wolfiequinn@hotmail.com), January 25, 2002.

You could kill a person like that!

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), January 25, 2002.

Several years ago I was working 2 jobs and to save time would eat lunch in a diner on the way. Saturday was Polish Sausage and Saurcraut on the steam table. I ordered it, the server started filling my plate and making conversation too. There were 5 or 6 sausages in the pan and, without thinking, she gave me a very small serving. I said nothing but when she set the plate up for me to take she noticed what she had done, took the tongs and grabbed a larger sausage, waived it in the air and asked "would you like a bigger one". What could I say? When she realized what she had said she ran to the back and didn't come out till after I had left.

-- Dave (drcomer@rr1.net), January 25, 2002.

My oldest daughter was three when my youngest was born, Rosie, DH, and I were sitting in a room waiting for the doctor to release Kady from the hospital. Rosie starts talking to an older gentleman, she spoke quite well at three and loved to talk to people (she still does). Well, Rosie and the gentleman where having a detailed conversation about basically nothing, when all the sudden I heard clear as day and in a voice that carried, "You have penis?" I tried to crawl under the chair, but before I could, the nice gentleman said, "yes, I do" and got her talking about something else.

About six months later, in a crowded Pizza Hut, Rosie said she needed to use the bathroom. I took her, and we headed back to the table, I had just sat down when I realized she was walking funny. I asked, quietly, "what's the matter?" She said, again in a voice that carried, "Mom, I didn't wipe good" I said, "Rosie, please sit down", this time she yelled, "Mom, you don't unnerstand, I DIDN'T WIPE GOOD" The restaurant went silent for a few seconds, then erupted in laughter. The best part was when Rosie waved at them. Oh, the trials of having young children.

I could go on with Rosie stories...she's still funny at 18!

Stacy in NY

-- Stacy (KincoraFarm@aol.com), January 26, 2002.