I'm a mother of five and I try my hardest to help them grow up the right way but I'm at a lost as what to do about my grandson. My oldest daughter(now 19) got pregnant at 16 and promptly moved in with her boyfriend Dale. They have been living together since then and plan on getting married "someday". He seems to be a normal guy considering how he grew up. He's the white sheep in a black sheep family. When I met his mother she was living in sin with her First cousin. Ick! She is now living with her newest boyfriend, an illegal mexican. His mother thinks nothing of stealing from her children and the children think nothing about stealing from each other. They cuss like sailors. They live in a trailor park next door to my daughter so she can't exactly get away from them. I'm at a loss at to how I can get them out of this situation. I even offered to let them move in with us but Dale doesn't like the city.(we had to sell the farm and move to the city temporarily while we save money) My daughter isn't perfect either(she is wiccan) but she does have some morals. Any Ideas on what I can do to save my grandson from these heathens?

-- buffy (buffyannjones@hotmail.com), January 24, 2002

Answers

Oh, as a grandma, how I ache for you! My thoughts are that all you can do is try your best to give him a stable environment when he visits. Provide lots of love and encourage him to be the best he can. Also, explain to him that you don't like "that" word and you'r rather he didn't use it. My question here is how come Dale is making the decision where he and his mother would live. That is your daughters decision.

-- Ardie /WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), January 24, 2002.

I'd be calling child protective services ASAP, and maybe see about getting him into a relative foster care program (where you or another relative looks after him, and I think in some cases get paid a bit by the state to help out with the costs).

Yes, it might strain family relations a bit, but so what? Your grandson's future is at stake here.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), January 24, 2002.

I don't think I read grounds for taking the child away from parents.

I think the idea is correct that all you can do, aside from prayer, for this family, is to show them a good example and unconditional love when they come to you. Are they close enough that you can offer to do more with the child, perhaps help out with babysitting? There's nothing wrong with explaining to him that certain words and expressions are not allowed in your house, even though they are in his own home. Otherwise, try not to be judgmental in front of him about his parents or other relatives. He will learn to see the difference on his own.

-- mary (marylgarcia@aol.com), January 24, 2002.

I agree with Mary..you can pick your friends but not your relatives..kind words,& loving prayer are not small things at all..they are the most powerful tools in the universe..your grandchild WILL see the difference....eventually..besides, none of us can ever actually "save" anyone from their situation..it's your daughter's child, so only she can improve the issue, not you..if she wants to, she will...in the meantime, continue being loving and continue in prayer..all in God's time, not ours.. God bless.

-- lesley (martchas@bellsouth.net), January 24, 2002.

First, please try to separate the religious differences from the actual problems (if you substituted Catholic, for "wiccan" for example, you would see what I mean), *grin*. Unless your daughter is into sacrificing black cats on Halloween or other such unlawful behavior (cats are considered property and therefore protected), which I doubt, I don't think her being wiccan is the real problem here.

Do you like the person Dale's mother is living with? If he is part of the problem, call immigration.

How nice is the trailer park? Depending on where you live, that alone may be grounds for removal of your grandson if there are unsanitary conditions, unsavory people (you DID mention those relatives), etc.

Do you have any contacts at the school he attends? Those people could be of great help to you, and you and them putting information together could build an airtight case.

I believe in being proactive rather than reactive. Prayer is good, but "God helps those who help themselves", and I would not be able to live with myself if I were in a situation like that and didn't take appropriate action when I was able to. But that's me.

Ardie, I got the impression from Buffy's post that Dale is the father of the grandson. If that is the case, he has just as much right to determine where they live as the daughter does. As to whether the daughter can "get away" from them (the relatives) or not, all she has to do is walk out the door and call Buffy.

Custody battles are not the first solution, but I'm willing to bet that Buffy has mentioned her concerns more than once and they fell on deaf ears. At that point, it might take some tough love--the longer you wait, the worse it will be for your grandson. The daughter's made her choices, but they don't have to be the grandson's choices.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), January 24, 2002.

I misunderstood...thought Dale was the grandson.

-- Ardie /WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), January 24, 2002.

Some people learn through knowledge, others must learn through experience which is the most difficult way. But, they will always benefit from your example and your prayers.

Children can learn about their Father in heaven by little things every day. Like saying: "I'll bet God had a lot of fun making that!" when looking at a flower. Help your little grandson to be creative, to learn, in whatever he is interested in. You will discover where his talents lie.

We will be praying for you!

-- HV (veggie@ourplace.com), January 24, 2002.

I agree with setting a good example. children very easily learn what is acceptable or not.

Also if you stay on very good terms with the parents, and are as supportive as humanly possible, they will probably allow you to have your grandson visit often. This will give you the opportunity to instill some of your own values in the child.

For myself, neither of my parents attended church, but I had a babysitter who took me. Well when I was 5 years old, I would get up myself and walk across the street to church, and my little sister too! So you can be a positive influence in ways you won't imagine, even with very young children!

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), January 24, 2002.

I know I'm going to step on a few toes here, but here goes.

Grandma, all you can do is love them and let them make their own mistakes. If the child is not in any physical danger, then don't butt in.

Also, in my opinion, you might try to figure out why you have the narrow feelings about the differences in others as you do. Sometimes, it's not really the other person we are disapproving of. It's something inside ourselves.

Just a thought.

-- Iris in Central Oklahoma (WatchingWideEyed@peaceful.com), January 24, 2002.

I wouldn't call it "narrow feelings" to want a better lifestyle for one's grandchild. If someone didn't care, you may as well just kiss society goodbye!

-- HV (veggie@ourplace.com), January 24, 2002.

You know I just realized I let a bit of language stay here that I normally wouldn't. I didn't read this post until several had answered and I just skimmed through it hurriedly. So I do apologize for my oversight, and I will ask that no profanity be posted. Thank you.

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), January 24, 2002.

Grandma: Is there a Head Start or good pre school in your area if so get him into it the childcare workers will have contact everyday with your grandson you would be amazed what children say to a trusted adult. Also someone removed from the situation will better be able to size up what is going on. You may have to do some convincing and fill out the applications but you will also be able to tell the child care workers your side of the story. Trust me you are not the first grandma to do such a thing. I have done social work and also worked for head start in such a capcity.

-- ronda (thejohnsons@localaccess.com), January 24, 2002.

Hi, Thank you for all your input and prayers. I should clarify a few things. My daughter Crystal is a fantastic mother much better that I was when I had her at 17. She trys as hard as she can to teach him well. He is only 2 years old now so I'm praying that if I can get them away from Dale's family things will be so much better. Everyone in Dales family(except Dale)is an alchoholic including his little sisters. Crystal's main problem is money. Dale is a roofer and doesn't make much. Their trailer is falling apart and is a fire hazard. I am trying to save up enough money to buy them some land in the country away from his family but it is hard when I have 4 other teenagers to feed. P.S. I really don't mind my daughter being Wiccan since she was saved as a child. Most wiccans I've met live more morally upright than most christians I've met and I grew up in a baptist church.(The pastor abandoned his wife and children and ran off with one of the member's wife!) What a world!!!

-- buffy (buffyannjones@hotmail.com), January 25, 2002.