Hello, I'm here because I'm concerned for a friend of mine who is in a abusive relationship (and has been for over 2 years now). I will refer to her as Lee and her girlfriend who's abusive as D. Lee met D online over 2 years ago and they hit it off so well that Lee moved out of state to be with D (which D was married at the time but the beginning of their relationship was the end of D's marriage) and Lee (who was pregnant with her 2nd child) left an abusive boyfriend to be with D. Well things were okay from the beginning but the signs of D's jealousy, obsession and controlling ways began to rear its ugly head. Lee makes excuses for her by saying that it's residue from her last marriage and that she's never had anyone who was honest with her, but that's just her in denial that something is wrong. D also treats Lee like a little kid, always wants to do things for her and do things with her....and wants her to have no friends, no social life. D has tried to make Lee commit to a lifelong relationship which Lee has supposedly told her that she was'nt ready for that. D tries to coerce Lee into having sex as well, especially if she's feeling down or sick so she can use that against D, to make her feel guilty for saying no. And when Lee refuses, D gets irrate, screams at her (saying "I don't even know why the f*** I even come home") and slams things around, even with their kids in the house. Lee told me that one night she just had enough and said that she told D that it was over because of her controlling ways (this was when she attempted to force Lee into having sex with her) Not only that but Lee is also having (or trying to have) a relationship with another woman....which is a married neighbor, and I mention this because the neighbor also aids in on the abuse by blaming Lee for her having feelings towards the same sex (it's supposedly Lee's fault that the neighbor danced for her, touched and kissed her...on several occasions) and wanting her to keep everything to herself, to act like nothing has ever happened, but continues to invite her to her house when her husband is not home and tries to force her to drink so she can *I'm guessing* go all the way and have the alcohol as her excuse on why it is she was intimately involved with another woman. And Lee told me that she is allowing herself to take the blame so the neighbor can continue with her "so called" normal life.

The worst thing is is that Lee usually does what D says so that the kids don't have to hear D screaming and slamming things around. And I'm wondering what should I do, because I honestly feel that there's more to it than just that (and that's a whole lot to go through), I believe that D has physically abused Lee, but I am not certain about this and I don't want to assume. I mean, how do I go about mentioning this to her? And another fact is that Lee told me that all her past relationships led to obsession and controlling from the people she was involved with.

Please send some advice my way because I've tried asking and I gave her advice about why it is she needs to get out that relationship (both relationships) as soon as she can. I honestly do not think that she sees it for as bad as it really is, she would probably deny the fact that she's even in a abusive relationship.

Thank you,

Monique

(Sorry for the long post, but I'm just a little frustrated about what to do and I really need help on how I can help her get out and away from abusive relationships once and for all)

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2002