I was abused by my wife for sometime (about 2 years). I loved her dearly and I would try anything to stay with her, but in late March of 2001 we seperated and divorced some time after. I did not know that I had even been abused when I was talking with my lawer about what had went on in our relationship. I felt assamed, violated all that would go with that. Was I wrong to stay with her and let the abuse take place? I later read more on abuse and found out that there are many kinds of abuse. I just want everybody to know that there are many kinds of abuse not just physical. I was also a victim of severe emotional as well as physical abuse. To this day I'm still try to get over it. Is this something I'm going to deal with for the rest of my life? Should I of ask out when I just had enuff of all the name calling, the constant put downs, teasing, belittlement that when on? Should I feel like I'm the one to blame for our divorce, even though she was the one that blamed me for the divorce? Right now I don't think I could trust another women ever again. I'm afraid to get into a relationship again fearing that this will happen again or having these high expections and if she doesn't meet them would I be letting her down without giving her a fair chance? Is this a common feeling to have? Am I a victim of self pitty or a victim of abuse or both?

-- Anonymous, December 25, 2001

Answers

Again, I would suggest joining the safe-support mailing list (at safe4all.org).

Were you wrong to stay? Maybe. But I'm sure anyone you'd talk to who has been through similar experiences will tell you they did the same thing. I did. And why are you even asking if you were wrong or not to do so? I think that isn't the question to be asking, really; rather, you should ask "is there a part of me that would do the same thing again, and if so, should I change that part of me, or work on it?"

Are you going to deal with it for the rest of your life? I think this depends on whether or not you actually "deal" with it or not. I personally faced these memories in a lot of my relationships for years after I left my abusive relationship, but each time it was better, and now, six years later, I feel like it affects my relationships very little.

I don't think blame and guilt are ever very useful emotions.

Everything you're feeling is pretty natural -- it sounds like the confusion and pain I went through. Please join safe-support and I think you'll find many other who have had similar experiences and thoughts..

-- Anonymous, January 02, 2002