I railed against religion at an early age. I had science, logic and reason. Who needed any churchy, mumbo jumbo voodoo anyway? Those were my feelings, for a long time. I was, of course, thinking with half a brain.

Well I sure wasn’t one who needed to be “boomed at”. Nosireebob.

I needed much more. I had to be slapped along side the head, repeatedly, and lo & behold, I got just what I needed. I’ve had to go thru a lot along the way till I finally buckled and fell to my knees, and then tried looking upward and outward for guidance. It sure took a lot. Was I ever a stubborn one! (Don’t rat me out, but I’m afraid I still am).

I had to shed a million tears. Still am. Every day. Maybe I need a million more? Who knows? I have been unbelievably fortunate to have experienced trials and pain. Granted, when I’m in the middle of it, I don’t quite see it that way. I piss and moan and begrudge my fate, just like everyone else.

About a month ago, Nick said if he were a religious man, he’d say he’s been blessed to have me in his life. Considering what he’s had to go thru with me, that’s a mouthful. And yes, Annie, you are absolutely right….being a man, he also said he feels really lucky to be his age and married to a wanton love goddess (hee, hee). I much prefer his description to your “horny woman syndrome” one. Hey, here’s another toast to us fine old wines.

I am a spiritual person, and I know I’ve been blessed to be able to recognize great love, people who really care and worry over me. I learned from the opposite.

I ‘m going to get another of those slaps alongside the head; sometime soon, I’m afraid. I talked to my mother last week. We were reminiscing over times past .I told her what I remembered from when I was three years old. She said, “ That’s pretty good for three”. What a Mom, huh? Still there, giving emotional boosts.

Yes I’ve been very blessed.

Yet still…………I weep

She’s old, her memory is shot, her body rapidly failing her. Maybe she won’t last out the year. Maybe she will.

I’ve been thru a lot this year but I’ve kept it from her. Well, as best as I can; she always could read my mind. In the past I would have asked her council. But now she is too old to take the emotional upheaval, so I keep what I can from her.

From time to time, I think about what it will be like to be a motherless child. No matter what the age, that is hard to contemplate. I try to imagine it in my mind. Truthfully, It’s unfathomable to me. Part of me will be grateful for the release from her physical pain, and part screams out in agony over the fearful loss of my anchor.

Now again………I weep.

The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears.

-- Anonymous, December 20, 2001

Answers

Dear Sharon, it's ok to cry, it's when you don't that causes trouble!!!

I know what you mean about needing spirituality, we all need that, unfortunately some confuse spirituality with religion, and it' not that at all. True spirituality transcends all religions and embraces everyone and every thing. Read the Dali Lamas book, "Ethics For the New Millennium", a wonderfully enlightening book, especially in light of the events of 9-11.

The world and it's peoples are full of distrust and hatred, we are on the wrong path, and we must begin to see the error of our ways and seek and follow the right path of spiritual love, compassion and empathy for our fellow Earthlings. Only then will our distrust and hatred diminish and change will follow. Religion at times only perpetuates this distrust and hatred, spirituality does not.

We will all be motherless children in due time, it is part of the great plan, and part of the ladder of life that we all must climb, sooner or later.

The best we can hope for is to be able to look at life as through our parent's eyes, as they taught us. Then the sucession of nature is complete, they did not live and die in vain.

-- Anonymous, December 20, 2001

Thanks Annie for your uplifting remarks.I was feeling mopey 'cause I couldn't go home for Christmas for the ninth year in a row.

Well, I'm in this metamorphisis,now, as Nick said and everything affects me more. He said he's waiting to see what I turn in to. I've been hoping it's a monarch butterfly and not a mean old gypsy moth...... but after reading Tales of Power and learning that a moth is a very special ally,I'd be ok with a moth, too!

-- Anonymous, December 31, 2001

Hi Sharon! So I'm gonna be a love goddess? Cant wait! And I thought it was all over just the other day when I discovered my first chin hair! Well I plucked that thing right out and all is well.

I want to tell you about a story (in response to being a motherless child) my son and I share which is special to us. It's called I'll Love You Forever. I'm already tearing up, just thinking about it. Well anyway, there's this Mom and her little boy and no matter how old or rotten he was, ever since he was a baby, she would say, I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, and as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. The years went by and the son grew up and the mother grew old and eventually died. But the last time he held her, the grown up son said, I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, and as long as I'm living, my Mommy you'll be. OK, now I'm really teary. We love that story and from time to time we say to each other, "I'll love you forever".

-- Anonymous, December 31, 2001

Wow Denise, I know that story! We had that book too, and read it to the girls all the time. In fact, we made up our own tune for the lyric, and when I read it to them, I always sang that part. Chokes me up every time too, thanks for the memory!

I've sometimes wondered which is better/worse: being really close to your mom, like my kids are to me,and knowing that when I leave they will be devasted, or not being close at all, like I never have been to mine,and knowing that when she leaves I quite honestly will not miss her presence all that much.(I guess I feel like I already mourned the impossibility of our closeness years ago, and that relationship has already died). Obviously I chose to go out of my way to insure that my girls and I would be close, and that they would be close to each other, probably because my relationships with my mom and my sister have been so painful in the past, and is now so shallow for the sake of civility. Hope I made the right decision; up till now its been wonderful.

So good to hear from you again, Sharon. I must say that you do not sound like the same person though. Do you have multiple personalities? :)

Blessings,

-- Anonymous, January 02, 2002