Friday morning her husband went down stairs to make breakfeast he came upstairs to find his son{5}lieing in bed with his mom,she had died.I just can't imagin,at least she went in peace.

I am sitting here in shear shock,I do not even know what to say to her family,what do you say to a 5 yr.old?She had so badly wanted to make it till his birthday that she refused to buy him a gift till the day before.

The anger stage is what I am in now,I just can't believe she is gone.I told my girls and they did not sleep lastnight they keep comeing in our room to make sure I am alive,its somewhere around 5:30 am now and I am hopeing they sleep in late.My 4 yr.old keeps saying maybe Mrs. t just went to the store,she will be back in time for Christmas,I keep reminding her that no she wont be. It may sound nasty but I am useing the death of a great dog we had to help her understand.The 2 oldest want to go to the burial but I do not know what to do? Any help would be great,how younge is to younge?

Sorry to be here venting again,but I needed too.

By the way all the leaves are off the tree,she was right.

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2001

Answers

I am sending you all the empathy I can your way, Renee.

Dying of mestatic cancer is a horrible way to go, I have lost several immediate family members to it in various forms, and there is nothing you can say to help the family and friends deal with it, other than to be there for them emotionally, spiritualy, and physically, as often as possible.

Bad things happen to good people, it's one of life's unsolved mysteries.

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2001

I'm so sorry, Renee. You're right, she went in peace. Most of us hope to die in our sleep when our time comes. And her suffering is over. Those are the things that you can take some comfort in. Those left behind are the ones that still have suffering to get through.

To her five-year-old, I would say that I was sorry she's gone from your lives and how much I would miss her, but I'm glad she can rest now. Kids "get" more than we would think.

As for your children who want to go, you know them best and how they will deal with it, but if they were close to you friend, I'd let them go. If they don't behave "appropriately", I wouldn't worry about it too much. But yours will probably deal better than teen-agers. My uncle died when I was 18 and his daughters were 18 & 16. At the funeral, they were bawling their eyes out, and I was crying in sympathy with them. Then we all looked at each other and burst into giggles. Of course, this was not approved of by the "adults". But we were of the age to be embarassed by a show of emotion, and we didn't know how to deal with it. That was all. Coping with grief comes in many different forms.

When my aunt died, her friends all got together and organized the gathering after we returned from the cemetary. The entire thing was done with grace and flair, everything color coordinated, because my aunt would have done it that way and they wanted to honor her. Perhaps thinking of what she would have liked best will help make you feel better.

Again, my deepest sympathies. And I'm glad you felt you could come here to talk about it!

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2001

I am so very sorry for your sadness, Renee. Please don't ever feel you should apologize for coming to us with what's on your heart. That is why we are here.

Heartfelt blessings,

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2001

Renee--You have my deepest sympathy. These things are just not understandable. It's hard to know what is right for the kids. Only you can decide. IMO watching a burial isn't half as hard as watching the loved person go through the suffering and pain. Blessings and peace.

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2001

I am sad with you renee and with your children. This will be a hard season for you all. I hope that you can find some peace in the midst of it and know that you have friends here that care. in love....diane

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2001

I'm sorry renee.

Let any of your kids who want to go, go. Don't push them to the casket or have them do anything they don't want to do. Each handles it in their own way and like most of us, we sometimes need that closure.

Again, I'm sorry.

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2001

Bless your heart Renee, love

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2001

Sorry to hear of your loss. It's always hard to lose a friend.

Wildman, (Saddened)

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2001

Renee, I'm *really* sorry to hear of your friend passing away.

My thoughts are with you. :-)

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2001

Peace to you and your family Renee.

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2001

Renee, I'm sorry and very sad for you and for the others. This time of year is tough enough. You will all be in my prayers. I'm sorry that I have no advice about the age of those who might attend the burial. I have no experience with young ones. God watch out for you and those you love.

With love,

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2001

Renee, I am very sorry to hear of your loss. It is so hard to lose your favorite people, especially when you lose someone who is so young, and who has so many things to live for. Anger is normal - you think about what she will miss; what her children will miss; and the dear friend that you will miss.

I lost my Mama to cancer eleven years ago; she was 52. Even though she was so ill and I knew it was a blessing for her to finally be freed from the pain and suffering; I was so angry because she and my daughter were so close, and it seemed unfair that Jes would grow up without Grandmama, and all the plans they'd made together. The things that I heard that helped me the most were stories people told about things they did with Mama - funny stories, happy stories - the sad stories can wait for a later time. It helped to remind me that although her life was shorter than it should have been; that she had still been happy, been loved and made a difference in the lives of others in the short time that she had to spend with us. You can keep your friend's memory alive for her children by telling them stories about her and them - write them down for later, because they'll need to hear them later as they get older. For her husband, stories that you remember about her and him; or all of you together.

As to the children, different cultures think differently. I took Jessie to her first funeral when she was still a babe in arms. I think that it is helpful for them to go, because then they will not be frightened and upset if they are suddenly introduced to it when they are older. It is very common for children to fear losing their parents when a friend loses one of theirs; I don't believe that attending the services will exacerbate this. One thing you might want to consider is how the other mourners will act; if they might weep and wail and scare the children, then it would of course be more appropriate to leave them home; though when that happened to us, I just explained to Jessie that different folks showed their feelings in different ways and she was okay with it.

Sending you hugs, and warm wishes...

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2001

I'm so sorry Renee. This is so hard. My son was 5 years when my wife died so I know a little how you must feel. My friend who is a child shrink told me always answer all your childrens questions honestly so thats what I did. My kids did seem to heal a lot faster than I did And i actually learned a lot from them. Anyway loving thoughts to you and your family....Kirk

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2001

Renee, I'm so sorry. I'll keep her family and you in my thoughts. Kim

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2001

Renee, this morning our congregation lifted prayers up for you and your loved ones and for that poor family. I hope it helps with some of the healing.

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2001

Sheepish, I have often been touched by the things you have shared with us about your congregation. How wonderful to be a part of such an open, loving group of people who seem to be truly examples of what Christian love should be.

Blessings to you and your congregation, and also once again to Renee, her family and the people left behind by her friend's passing on.

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2001

Renee...I am so sorry to hear of your loss!! I've been away for a couple of days grieving the passing of a dog, and here you've lost a good friend and neighbor. I feel so bad for you...but this is such an uplifting place to come for support. Again, I'm so sorry!

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2001

My heart just breaks for you Renee,we have had a similar year here.It is so hard with the little ones.I explain to mine that the part of our friend that we loved and the part that loved us back is now spirit,and remains with us in our hearts and our memories.The part that is gone is the part we hug,and will miss,we call it our earth suit.Sorry if this sounds corny ,but ya gotta do what works.And if all a child can reference is the death of a dog friend, then talk about that... it will help.We hold you in our thoughts and prayers ,love teri....Renee....look for this book....."THE NEXT PLACE by WARREN HANSON I would be happy to send you one.I bought mine at Chapters My brother in law died last year of cancer and it was very healing for me and the kids.Let me know if you would like one...peace

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2001

I don't know that I can add a whole lot more to this than what people have already said. One thought that came to my mind out of the past was dealing with the death of a very good friend's firstborn at the same time I was dealing with my 'firstborn's (my dog) death in the same week. If you have ever shared the idea of The Rainbow Bridge with the children and the idea that their dear pet friends will be waiting for them there, perhaps you can gently point out that they are together now, both happy and whole again -- and together.

-- Anonymous, December 10, 2001

I feel so sad for all of you. I agree with letting the kids do what they feel they are ready for concerning the funeral. I'm so sorry.

-- Anonymous, December 10, 2001

Very sorry to hear about her demise, renee. . . I hope that her family will cope with their loss as best as possible.

As for yourself. . . yeah, you really feel the loss. The best friend I ever had was killed in a motorcycle accident nearly 20 years ago during high school years. I still consider him the best friend I ever had.

When my grandfather passed away in 1967, I was four years old. I can still describe events that happened there . . . my aunts and uncles weeping . . . my grandmothers incontrollable sobbing. . . the looks on the faces of the other mourners. It was an open casket ceremony, and though I wasn't taken to the edge of the casket, I could still see him and can remember how my grandfather looked. To my knowledge, it didn't freak me out; I don't think I truly understood what was happening.

Again, sorry for the loss.

-- Anonymous, December 10, 2001

Renee... I offer healing light to you and your friend's family....

Fortunately for us... kids seems to accept death better than we give them credit for...

holding you all in healing peaceful light...

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2001

I'm very sorry about your friend and I've been keeping all of you in my thoughts.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2001

Thanks everyone,the service was just at the funeral home,she was cremated so no burial. I chose not to take the older girls.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2001