Mitch, here is a quote from one of your posts:

"I think women do not have enough intensity in their lives to fullfill their emotional needs"

Would you mind elaborating on that, please? I should state here that I am not in the least offended, and am not trying to start a debate; I just want to know your reasoning behind such a statement.

-- Cathy N. (keeper8@attcanada.ca), November 26, 2001

Answers

Hi Cathy... I'm sure Mitch will get to this as well, but he and I have discussed this and it made me think a lot.

So many people (men and women both I think) are so caught up in the day to day chores, jobs, kids issues, doing the laundry, cutting the grass, the list goes on and on and on and on... that they often don't take the time to really connect emotionally with one another.

Their "intensity" is focused on mundane chores rather than the more important aspects of life. After a while of hustling and bustling about, you start to feel emotionally deprived. There have been really busy times in our lives, when Cale was out of town working for extended periods, and I was taking care of everything on my own, that I really craved just to have him here, so I could just look at him!!!

While we spend a lot of time and effort on physical needs, and it is often necessary to do so, we have to do laundry and cook and clean, and somebody has to earn some money, we often neglect our emotional needs. Usually we are just too over-worked and tired to think about it until it hits us like a ton of bricks that something BIG is missing from our lives. I don't know if this fully describes everything I mean, but it is a start and I may add on later after I get a chance to think about it!

-- Melissa (cmnorris@1st.net), November 26, 2001.

This could be an interesting thread! We've been married, hubby and I, for almost 23 years. There have been times when we lived apart Monday through Friday. There also have been times when we were physically together but emotionally apart. I think relationships run in cycles. It takes very mature, stable people to live throurgh them without the relationship coming apart. We are very aware of this and when one of us feels that "it isn't good right now", that person calls it to the attention of the other. We will sit down and discuss it. No, we don't argue or point fingers. We talk about our needs and wants from the marriage and how to fulfill them without straining the relationship.

-- Ardie (ardie54965@hotmail.com), November 26, 2001.

My husband and I have talked about this-and this is interesting. My husband goes to work-and he has an "intensive" job and at work all he thinks about is work. When he comes home, he leaves work at work- (most of the time!) He tries very hard not to bring the workday home with him. I don't have that shut-off. Even when I worked, last spring, I thought during the day about my child with a head cold or what I would fix for dinner. Now, I do stuff all day stuff runs through my head-I fret about my mother's health or getting Grandpa to the doctor or juggling dentist appointments or paying this or that bill or what did my son's teacher MEAN by that remark? Its hard to generate emotional intenitiy when you have all that stuff draining you.

We got into an argument once, my husband and I about a problem with one of the kids and he said-"I don't want to think about that right now." And I said "don't you care about this situation?" and he said "Of course I care, I just don't want to think about it right now" That was a major revelation for me. I think one way women express their concern or thier "Caring" about something is to dwell on it. I know I did. And that drains you. I'm really working on taking a problem, and solving it quickly and not dwelling on it. You know, if the laundry dosn't get done today-so what? Either do it or don't, but don't fret about it.

-- Kelly in Ky (Ksaderholm@yahoo.com), November 26, 2001.

Cathy, men and women think with different types of patterns. Men recieve the question, put it in their subconsicence, and the next time it comes up there is an answer ready. It does not require looking at all angles, worrying about what your aunt or cousin would think, or get in the way of his daily activites. Women, it appears to me, think about everything at once with equal depth though the subjects have far different values, just my opinion I have no formal education on this subject.

I believe it comes from early survival instincts, men recived gratification after a 3 day hunt of beasts for food and finally seeing the beast fall into submision. It took days of concentration in very dangerous conditions to bring home the bacon. men did the hunting because they were bigger, stronger, and had the hormones. The women were the gathers, staying in groups to collect their roots and berries, tending to the children and the home fires which became womens intensities and this has went on for thousands of years behind us.

Nowdays, with the acceptance of women as extreme skiers, or race car drivers, or welders; it is logical to think that those women not involved in something simular feel left out. On one hand there is the need to have a family, nurture something (kid or 4 footed kid)and fit in grannys role; the other side of the coin, fueled by the medias bullfeathers, shows women martial art fighters, warrior princesses, jet aircraft pilots. Mens intensities have not changed, they may be only watching thier team cross the goal line, but their blood pressure does rise, heartbeat quickens, ect. There is a real reaction on the gut level same as the caveman and his prey.

Women appear to be torn between, because there is not enough areas or activities available to fill the primal emotional needs, that is the needs we all are born with. A child is born as a wild savage, we do not raise them, we tame them; but the beast is all ways deep inside, what kind of emotions did you have in grade school when someone pulled a nasty trick on you. If killing was socially acceptable would you not have done it? Yes, the animal is still alive within us all. Women, you need to let it vent this, and it cannot be done by changing the men, but by joining them.

-- mitch hearn (moopups@citlink.net), November 26, 2001.