My husband and I have been married 7 years, when we first got married he was verbally and emotionally abusive. He had several affairs which I thought were my fault because I was not perfect. He never put his hands on me but he did things like throw chairs at me, clear countertops with his arms, scream, break things, thump the kids on their heads, etc. Finally in 1998 he choked me and I left him for a while. However, the job I had didn't provide me with enough money to live alone and raise kids so I went back to him (all of the apologies and promise to never do that again, etc.) Actually he has not put his hands on me since 1998. However, I recently got into trouble by him having me pay bills with checks and then he would take the money out of our account so the checks would bounce. Then he started taking all of our money and wouldn't give me any. Now I have to go to court so I won't go to jail. We have a month before I am scheduled to appear in court and I have to pay for all these checks before we go. He told me a few days ago that I am lucky he is around to get me out of this mess. He "loses" money all the time, never knows where it went but he didn't spend it on beer (even though he is drunk most weekends). I have no access to money, no access to a reliable vehicle, he is telling everyone in my family that I am so stupid to have gotten us into this financial mess. Last Friday I took $70.00 out of our account to pay a bill with and I lied to him about it. He has called me every name in the book and now says he won't pay for my checks he is going to let me go to jail because it is so much easier than divorcing me and fighting custody on our daughter. He is even saying things like "No court will give you our daughter with your criminal record" I feel like I am losing my mind. Is this abuse or just normal marriage?

-- Anonymous, October 02, 2001

Answers

Yes, he's being abusive... He may not be physically abusing you at the moment, but he's doing quite a bit of emotional, psychological and economic abuse to you... When you left after he choked you, he figured out that his physical intimidation and abuse wasn't going to fully work to keep you trapped in the relationship, so he switched his tactics after you went back in an effort to try to throw up more obstacles to leaving... My only suggestion would be to get in touch with the domestic violence program in the area... They typically have resources to help out people going through these situations, such as help with retaining a lawyer, shelter space in case you need to leave, and listings of other community resources that can help out in times of need... They usually have a good staff who is willing to listen and help out any way they can...

-- Anonymous, December 20, 2001