Pearls of wisdom from George Carlin 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 6. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 7. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong? 9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 10. Is there another word for synonym? 11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? 12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 23. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 25. Does the Little Mermaid wear an alge-bra? 26. How is it possible to have a civil war? 27. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? 28. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry? 29. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 30. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "S" in it? 31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 32. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 33. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket? 34. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole darn airplane made out of that stuff? 35. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 36. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

-- Ken S. in WC TN (scharabo@aol.com), August 11, 2001

Answers

Ken,

Thanks for the laugh. Carlin will always be one of my favorites. I still crack up when I see the "Dan, Your hippy-dippy weatherman" routine from the sixties and he says the radar shows some ICBMs coming in across Alaska so forget the weekend extended forcast. He sure has changed a lot, now he does childrens shows like Sunnyside Station on PBS.

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), August 11, 2001.

Thanks for some great laughs,we could sure use them!!

-- julie (nelson3@bright.net), August 11, 2001.

I always wondered why their was brail on the steering of my f-150 ford steering? Do they drive blind?

-- Mary (marwel@microserve.net), August 11, 2001.

LOL That was good. Yes they were all G rated except for number 4. I had to skip that one when reading them outloud to my youngsters. We all had a good laugh. thanks, Ken.

-- daffodyllady (daffodyllady@yahoo.com), August 11, 2001.

Thanks Ken! I loved Carlin the comdedian of old. Now, Carlin the political activist... not so much.

-- Gary in Indiana (gk6854@aol.com), August 11, 2001.

Thanks, Ken! I agree with number 31 SO MUCH!! LOL!

-- Jennifer L. (Northern NYS) (jlance@nospammail.com), August 11, 2001.

Ken, Thanks for the chuckles! I'm going to print them off and post them on the fridge for days when I need a good laugh! Thanks again, Jan

-- Jan in CO (Janice12@aol.com), August 11, 2001.

I have to ask this one again. Don't know if George Carlin said it first; I found it in the local paper with a list much like this one.

"If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?"

And my 11-year-old's favorite: "Why is there Braille on the drive- through teller machines?"

-- Cathy N. (keeper8@attcanada.ca), August 11, 2001.

"Five day deoderant pads, two years I wore those mothers". G.C. was always one of my favorites. Thanks for the laughs.

-- Russell Hays (rhays@sstelco.com), August 18, 2001.

Thanks Ken, that was some good stuff! George Carlin is one of if not the greatest he still amazes me with his talent.

-- Paul S. in VA (paulson85@fastmail.fm), January 15, 2002.