My husband is very mean to me. He is bipolar and refuses to take meds.He is mean to the kids and swears and calls them names. He wont give me affection and im not allowed to touch him unless i get permission. He says im hiddious now because i gained alot of weight with our baby, and he doesnt like to have sex anymore. So I get yelled at if I initiate sex, so i have to ask for it, and hes yells no. Hes only smacked me once, but when we are fighting he will grab me so hard i get black and blues. He swears at me, yells at me, and calls me names. And I am so sad, and depressed, and I tell my self its not that bad. He wont let me work, and he never does anything around the house, and he never pays attention to the children unless they are being bad. If I ask him to do something or make a bottle for the baby he says no. He tells me he is sick of my bullcrap and if i dont smarten up he is leaving me. I would leave him but we would be homeless, and im one of those persons who need a rebound or i get so sad from the emptyness of his absense that I cant function right. He says hes abusive because I make him that way.He tells me he hates sex, and he has no interest, but he stays up all night long instead of sleeping with his wife and looks at naked girls and talks to girls on the computer. Im so confused. I am begining to think It is my fault, and he is trying to tell me what to do what not to do, how to do it, when, and to ask, I feel like the only way to keep him is to be a perfect little robot, and not get mad when hes mean to us. Can someone help me please!!!

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001

Answers

get the hell out your life is too short to spend with someone like that i'm sure that you can find someone who will treat you like a person instead of a piece of garbage save your money, make a plan and whatever else that you need to do to tie up your loose ends. and then LEAVE! don't look back, don't tell him or anyone else that he knows where your going and most important of all, take care of your arrangements in TOTAL secrecy. DO NOT BE FOOLED by periods of kindness by him it won't last long. and last ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! hope this helps

-- Anonymous, October 22, 2001

HI, I am in a simlar situation to yours. I have a plan. I wanted to work and he didn'e. I looked for a job, went to live with a friend ( you can go to a shelter), save some money if you can. Don't you ever forget what his done and stick with your plan. Go with the flow when he's nice, be nice, but don't beg him to make love to you . He does not deserve your touch. I think back and 1o bruises in my body, the fear in my daughters eyes... I said I loved him when I hated him the most. Please, don't let your kids see all that everyday. They'll grow up to be like him- never showing any respect to you. Look for you county's resources in such case. Go to the Court house, lask for the domestic violence office. They can arrenge housing for low income families in need,counseling for you and the kids, numbers you can call for food stams and even job placwmwnt agencies. Do it because you deserve to live in peace. Do it because you deserve to see your kids smiiling everyday. You can write back i you want. Good luck.

-- Anonymous, October 17, 2002

You really need to get the courage to leave and if not for yourself at the moment THE KIDS! I can't stress enough to you how much this screwed me up when I was growing up. It takes a while to find your strength and self worth. Let go of all the negative people in your life, i.e. the friend who is always angry at the world, people who aren't moving forward in thier lives. Don't let this be you! Your husband will never realize how much he hurts you and the kids so dont expect him too and stop trying to help while there. I suspect it only causes more problems when you tell him to get help. "Help" means to him to go on the defensive which in turns starts an arguement that will eventually lead to violence etc. Please find the strength to leave and in time you will realize that you are better off. Dave

-- Anonymous, October 30, 2002

Dearest Renne,

-- Anonymous, December 28, 2002

Dearest Renee, I can identify with yuo. It seems that everyone judges our success as woman on what we do with our abusive husbands. If we stay we are labeled "co dependant" or "woman who love too much. If we stand up for our selves, the men say we are selfish or unable to discern right from wrong, or they go as far as to say they are abusive becuase of something we did inferring that we have the power to stop them. All this is simply not true. The problems belong to him. I highly recommend a site that helped me it is called www.pureintimacy.com. It clearly explains the results of sexual addiction.. There is also a book out there called "An affair of the Mind" it has helped me put to words what I feel. And the book I am reading now, which is the one I would suggest firt, is called "Why does he do that?" It is on abuse - emotional abuse. It has helped me see how he thinks and identify his tactics. knowing his tactics has helped me not be his victim. I hear in you writing that you are a clear minded woman. Regardless of all the advise, check your heart for what YOU feel you need to do. Remember, his tactic is to descredit you - don't let him sway what you believe in. You can think for yourself.

Oh, and one more book that will explain why you cannot help but being affected by him is called "Discovering the Mind of a Woman" by Ken Nair.

-- Anonymous, December 28, 2002

Hi. I know everyone says just leave. I believe that too. Although, it is a little different when your walking in those shoes.Remember take care of yourself and your kids. I grew up in violence and probably living in the same hell as you right now. I would probably leave if given the oppurtunity. An abuser will always try to make you feel weak even when they are the week ones. I believe your husband might like to watch other women (especially via web) because he somehow feels incompetent himself. Do not let him make you feel that way. If he is unhappy he should leave. I will admit I get so pissed off when everyone says "the women" should leave. Why may I ask? We dont deserve a house and a warm bed? The mean one does? some how that does not sound right. Listen the next time he puts his hands on you call the cops go to the court house get a restraining order and get his but kicked to the curb. That is my advice. Too bad I don't follow it. Take care. God Bless you and your kids.

-- Anonymous, January 03, 2003

I have the same problem. Exsept,I don't think my husband has bipolar. My husband is very controling, spiteful.If i do something that bothers him with out relizing it. He rubs it in my face.Over and over. He does not like sex. At least thats what he tells me. He dont liked to be kissed. Im not aloud by most of his body parts unless he welcomes it.

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2003

Part 2- And thats rare. Hes always demanding that I rub his back and feet. He never hit me so far. But he does throw things at me. I have also put on wight. When he quits smoking he wishes to eat alot more. And he tells me to eat whats in front of me now or starve. The strange thing is, that he has not been putting on wight. But I have been, due to being depressed and sleeping all hours of the day.

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2003

Part 3- He says I dont want you to have a car because I want to know where you are at all times. He gives me no money because hes afrade I might leave him. If I get money he will spend all of his and make me pay the bills so I have nothing left. Im not aloud to go for a walk or to the supermarket with out him..

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2003

Part 4- Because Im depressed,-I do admit I have a bit of a high sex drive.But I do beleave thats normal.Very normal when you feel no love from the other person.The worst part about it is that I know my marrage is not good. But my own family is giving me every reason why to stay with him. He is perviding a roof over my head and food. Sometimes we can be happy.When where at the movies together or hanging out with friends. But never happy. When where alone, with nothing else to do but pay attenchen to eachother.

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2003

Part 5- I fear other then being controling he wants nothing else to do with me. I shoulden't have to beg for love and sex. I shoulden't fear my own husband. Im afrade of going agenst my own familys advice. To stay with him. I would love to fix my marrage. But he wont change. And he refused seeking help.He says, "I need to change". He says, "why do I need to change?" And when I say, "honey do you love me?" He says,"Do you love me?- I hate it that you keep asking me that." When I tell him that I love him he tells me to prove it.. Prove it how?I ask. He says rub my feet.And when I do, he falls asleep and Im left alone with nothing.

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2003

I know how you feel, I get abused by my boyfriends all the time, and I wonder why I just cant have a normal relationship. But the mental abuse is much worse, when he tells you how ugly you are and how dumb you are, its just like getting stabed in your heart, and wish you were much better. Plus your children, it must make you feel so confused. So the only answer that I can give you is to get away as soon as you can before the problems get worse, and believe me they will.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2003

It's a funny thing that you feel this way about your husband. I care very little about who will say my responce to this statement Renee has made. I have a hard time understanding how any one person can give renee any advice without knowing how our life is. They know nothing of who I am or what the situations are around us.

My children love me, and love to spend time with me. They enjoy playing games with me, and watching TV along side with me. The children fight over who will get to play with daddy first.

When the children are out of line, I am the one who must deal with the corrective actions to alter the childs behavior. If time in a corner, Lack of Nintendo, or TV is abuse, I am guilty. My wife, Renee/Preztonizer, does not punish the children for their actions. Instead, she will scream at them, yell at them, then tell them they will have to deal with me. My responce is ussually: "I was not here Renee, you might want to try _______" and I give her a sugestion. You can not punish a child for an action they have performed hours ago, but Renee is insistant. When I tell her I am not going to do anything, it turns into a conversation about how I don't do anything for her, and how I never get credit for anything I do for her, and it all leads to an arguement.

Am I Bi-polar? Yes, I am, and I have been medicated for the illness. Actualy, right now, I am manic, and it is causing me to feel asertive. I am so upset by what I read by my wife, I feel I must voice my opinion. The severity of my illness is so slight that I can, and have, survive daily life, held a steady job, suport my household, and keep the friends that my wife allows me to have. Is my illness afecting my life? Not to the point that is has been made to seem here.

Am I abusive? No, not unless putting a child in the corner is abusive. I do not beat the members of my family, nor tear them down with words.

In closing, what Renee and I need, and I have been trying to suggest for about a year and a half, is third pary help. Even a Mediation session once a week would be helpful to us. Is our marrage doomed to fail? If Renee is on singles date sites, with a profile, I am sure we are doomed to fail. I don't belive Renee understood how marage was designed to work. It takes time, pacients, and flexibility. Every person has their own way of dealing with situations. In a marage, you are suposed to find a way to compromise, to deal with the day to day situations in life. I wish we could come to a compromise on any one item. I love my wife, with all my heart, but it seems to be in vane. Judge me as you will. I think an outside proftional could help us both learn what we are doing wrong here, and allow us to become who we were.

Meet me, if you would like to know who I really am. Listen to our life, if you wish to understand. I have nothing to hide, nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I can't even talk to my "life partner and best friend" and because of that, you have all read about our disfunctional lives.

Mychel J. Elderd Nashua NH

PS Renee if you read this, just understand that I do miss the way we were, and wish you could understand why I wrote this. Again, I am asking you to just talk with me, not at me. I want to play darts with you, sing with you, have a drink with you, and do something with you. You are not the only one who is bored with the way our lives are, you just never want to plan a day with me. I hate working 5+ days 40+hrs a week, and then sitting home bored the rest of my life. I want something more. That's why I spend my free time with the kids. Join us. Play cars with us. Play Nintendo, or go ride bikes with us. I always ask, and Prezton is old enough to play in the grass when the kids are riding in the park. It's the same things I ask for everytime. Be part of our fun. The kids ask why you don't go with us. Think about it, please?

-- Anonymous, March 16, 2003

I have read your situation and the response from your husband. I don't know if you will get a chance to read this but I hope that you do. I have two children one is a girl 6 yrs and the other is a boy almost 2. I have not been happy in this marriage for a long time but I myself do not know what to do. We seem to argue all the time, at least every couple of days. when we arDoes this sound familan argument starts usually Its because i respond/talk back to him about something i don't agree with then I hold my ground and continue to defend my point, he wears me down, he talks and explains things so well that by the end of the fight i am apologizing to him and saying how wrong I was even though in my heart i am not 1005 sure but the stuff he tells me starts making sen se. He is so convincing that he convinces me that I caused the fight, makes me apologize for it, kiss his hand, make him a coffee and then acts grumpy for the remainder of the evening. He tells me I have to get permission to go out, even though he doesn't say no to any type of shopping, I still have to ask to go anywhere including the library etc. When he wakes up in the morning he is really grumpy for 30 minutes or so and in that time if he calls me names, yells at me or something similar he says he is not to blame but its my fault for not stearing clear of him. Anything that ever happens he manages to convince me its my fault and makes me apologize. He says he loves me but until I 'fix' myself he doesn't want sex very often, instead he masturbates to porn on tv or computer, I have caught him doing this many times and told him that it hurts my feelings, he promises he will stop but hasn't. I think because he does want to make me feel like crap. Your husband wrote and anwer back where it says that he spends time with the kids and the kids fight over who's going to play with him. Well, my husband treats our daughter with a lot of dicipline, almost everything she does has to be perfect or she gets spoken to in a very hard tone of voice, sat in the corner, priviledges withheld, or sometimes her ear pulled. My husband says that our son will get treated the same way when he is old enough to understand. I have a big fear that my daughter is learning very bad behaviour, she is a bit aggressive in school already and is petrified of her dad, but people always have a need for approval from those who reject them and she is the first one in line when my husband wants to play a game. S he (on the surface) looks like she absolutely loves him, adores him always wanting to kiss him or give him a hug but when she and I are alone from the stuff she tells me or the way she acts I know that she really doesn't like him that much. She has respect for him because she is told she has to and same with me I am told by my husband that I should have respect for him. I thought respect was earned maybe I thought wrong. He says he will show respect to me when I show him respect first and 'fix' myself. I am tired of feeling like everything is my fault, I feel sad very sad and very very lonely. When you say Renee that you have to be a perfect little robot I know exactly how you feel...and to your husband I have to say that you took the time to write a response which shows that either you actually care or yo u are putting on a show (I am inclined to belive the latter because that's how men with your personality act0 but somehow if you do care, if Renee says she feels like she has to be perfect little robot, then there is something wrong, its you that is making her feel that way and if you love your baby and your wife you will Youget help for yourself. This is not a bipolar issue, its an issue about control and you need one-on-one counselling. sI know if it continues this way you have to leave him, I have to leave him but its is easier said than done. I'm sorry for everyone out there that feels as bad as I do, its no way to live.l

-- Anonymous, April 27, 2003

As the last person said, one can never really tell what REALLY is going on. What one CAN notice is that the two of you care enough about this bad situation to write about it on a community board asking for help.

Asking for help is arguably the most difficult part and the fact that both of you have done so is a good sign. Regardless of whether or not Mychel was telling the absolute truth, getting an unbiased 3rd party "helper" to sit with you two and discuss how to make life happier for the both of you is a GREAT IDEA!!!

If either of you read this, please think about that seriously and try and figure out a way to get some help in order to talk to each other in a way where no one gets hurt. You have two children who are affected DAILY by how you two act towards each other, and them. Please don't put them through any more than they have already been through and work towards COMMUNICATION and finding happiness again that it seems you both once had.

I hope things work out for the both of you and your children.

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2003

it dose not matter how many times he tells you that he loves you, how many times he sayes he is sorry,that he will not treat you bad again, if he realy loved ,and respected you, for the person that you are, he would not treat you as he dose, Everybody deserves to be treated with a little respect, and dignity, no matter who they are, nobody has the right to take away another persons self respect. you cannot, and should not, put up with it a moment longer. you and your children could live a happy, and dignified life, if only you have the strength to leave this so called man,YOU CAN DO IT,there is a happy world waiting for you and you children out there, go and get it. remember "LIFE IS TO SHORT".good luck.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2003