I straight out pinched these jokes from another site, who'd done the same. For your edification:

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank; proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novacaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal".

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

-- Don Armstrong (darmst@yahoo.com.au), August 03, 2001

Answers

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic? He sat up all night wondering if there really was a dog ...

-- Sojourner (notime4@summer.spam), August 04, 2001.

Just when "ewe" thought "ewe" "herd" them all. . . :)

-- Brendan K Callahan (Grinnell, IA) (sleeping@iowatelecom.net), August 04, 2001.

OUCH!!!

I love these kinds of jokes. They're called "spoonarisms".

-- Trevilians (Trevilians@mediaone.net), August 04, 2001.

these are great, Thanks for sharing with us! :)

-- Little Quacker (carouselxing@juno.com), August 04, 2001.

Thank you, Don. I read these while sitting all alone in my office this fine Saturday and found myself laughing (and groaning) out loud.

-- Gary in Indiana (gk6854@aol.com), August 04, 2001.

Trev: I always thought they were called puns?
"spoon·er·ism (spn-rzm)
n.
A transposition of sounds of two or more words, especially a ludicrous one, such as Let me sew you to your sheet for Let me show you to your seat."
Another example would be Zed Leppelin for Led Zeppelin, or, as I often heard in Pittsburgh (Rivals of the NY team), Muck the Fets, as well as one of my father's favorites, "bass ackward" which is almost a self-defining spoonerism :)


-- Brendan K Callahan (Grinnell, IA) (sleeping@iowatelecom.net), August 04, 2001.

Oh, yeah, spoonerisms are quite funny, too, as are Malapropisms :)

-- Brendan K Callahan (Grinnell, IA) (sleeping@iowatelecom.net), August 04, 2001.

I always called it "getting your merds wixed"

-- Judi (ddecaro@snet.net), August 04, 2001.

Very right about Spoonerisms. Apparently, there was a Reverend Spooner, a minister, who packed in the crowds for his sermons. They just had to come to see what he was going to say next. My two favorites of his are the classic:

"Mardon me Padam, but this pie is occipewed. May I sew you to another sheet?"

and "Surely, the Lord is a shoving Leopard"

-- julie f. (rumplefrogskin@excite.com), August 04, 2001.

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.This made him....what?

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

-- Susan Troxel DeWitt (smtroxel@socket.net), August 05, 2001.

OW! OW!!!

A Pun is the lowest form of Humor, but Poetry is Verse.

-- julie f. (rumplefrogskin@excite.com), August 05, 2001.

Back in Merry old England, many homesteads were hit hard by the plagues that wracked the countryside, killing off large portions of the families need to work these plots. WIlliam Tell and his fabled family knew that something had to be done to help these folks with their taxes and bills, lest they go under and have to surrender their family steads to the crown. With this in mind, the Tell family set up a series of lawn bowling tournaments to raise money for the stricken families, who were, due to the generosity of their friends and neighbors, able to pull themselves out of debt and carry on. These people where heartily grateful to the Tell family and passed their gratitude down into the history books. The Tells will always be known for this humanitarian effort, as will those for whom the Tells bowled.

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), August 07, 2001.