I am a BAD American.

I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac in New York or Los Angeles, you'd better do it in English.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God.

Hillary Clinton is a carpet-munching lesbian.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave; I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt; I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks ..... and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation the world for the next four years.

I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I am neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back!

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2001

Answers

Hah, George Carlin cracks me up. BAD Americans unite!

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2001

I was reading the other day that George Carlin didn't write that. And he's pissed off that people think he did, because it's fucking ignorant. I read this list before attributed to Ted Nugent, but I don't think he would've written it either (even though he is a fucking idiot).

-dan

-- Anonymous, July 04, 2001

How is it ignorant?

-- Anonymous, July 04, 2001

How is this ignorant? Off the top of my head..

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

This obviously refers to the whole homosexuals in scouts issue, nothing like saying girls shouldn't be allowed in. It's obviously implying that gay people aren't Real Men[tm] or something along those lines.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

While I'd agree that being a member of any minority doesn't INHERENTLY make you a victim (e.g., males are technically in the minority, but not exactly victims) but since minority generally means ethnic minority anyone who doesn't think members of ethnic minorities ARE victims in the U.S. has got to be just stupid..

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac in New York or Los Angeles, you'd better do it in English.

This is a matter of personal opinion.. I can understand the reasoning behind this, but I disagree that someone should have to speak English well (because people do not sell Big Macs in the US in other languages [unless they are bilingual and are selling to a non-english speaking customer], though they often struggle with their English and have thick accents) to be employed. When George Carlin (and I *really* doubt it was him, 'cause he's generally smarter than this, based on my opinion of what's smart) or Ted Nugen or whoever actually wrote this is raised malnourished in a politically oppressive country and flees to get a very degrading job that pays tiny amounts of money just to have people complain about how well he speaks the language (and hey, let's not forget that whole malnourished thing, which means that you're going to have less cognitive, and thus language learning skills, than someone who was not), then we'll see how he feels.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

Obviously no bitterness towards the rich there. Aside from that, I can assure you that working at Blockbuster does not provide any enlightenment and that being a student has the potential for it. Obviously it has to do with the individual and how well they take advantage of their opportunities, but if someone uses every chance they get from being a student or from working at blockbuster, they are going to end up more intelligent at the end of being a student than after 4 years of checking out peoples' videos. This does not mean that students are inherently more enlightened or intelligent, simply that the act of working at blockbuster does not provide enlightenment (the individual may persue all manner of outside stimulation, however, but that is irrelevant in this point.)

Hillary Clinton is a carpet-munching lesbian.

Offensive as all hell. If anyone can't understand why this is a problem, maybe you should try some of that studenting mentioned above.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

Yeah, obviously if you feel cold sometimes where you live, there's no problem with the environment and it certainly means it isn't any warmer than it was a hundred or a thousand years ago. Uh huh. That's really just plain stupid.

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave; I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt; I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks ..... and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already.

I don't even know what he's talking about by mentioning wandering in the desert for forty years. Do Jews complain about that? Uh, no. It's recognised as a part of a religious and cultural group's backround, so let's refer back to everyone being allowed to have their own religion and not tell people to shut up about it.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

Yeah, obviously racial profiling doesn't exist. And if darkies breaking the law, let's ignore the fact that the lighter people who are doing the same thing are not pulled over, etc., etc. other problems. This, in the same way that a few other things are, is phrased in such a way that there isn't technically anything "wrong" with it but the implications and meaning are obvious to a turnip.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

The thing that sucks about this is that so many of these are getting angry about the stupidest most inconsequential things. How about getting some patience and caring about more serious problems that, y'know, actually affect people beyond how your day went?

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

This is nice, I guess, since whoever wrote this will be dying of some nice heart disease or colon cancer before too long.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I'm not going to say this is ignorant, but I totally disagree with it. I think it takes at least one good person. Quantity doesn't make up for quality, strangely enough.

-- Anonymous, July 04, 2001

"Hillary Clinton is a carpet-munching lesbian."

Offensive as all hell. If anyone can't understand why this is a problem, maybe you should try some of that studenting mentioned above.

I don't understand how that's offensive. Unless you're Hillary, maybe. But she probably IS.

-- Anonymous, July 04, 2001

Because it's using vernacular, phrasing it such a way and using it in such a context that makes it seem like calling someone a lesbian is a huge insult. I also don't see whether Hillary Clinton likes to bang chicks or not is at *all* relavent, and it's objectifying her in the same way people objectified Janet Reno by only talking about how ugly she is. If anyone really cares whether a political figure is ugly or gay and that's the most important thing they can think of to mention, there's something wrong there, IMO. I don't see why she's "probably" a lesbian, either. She's married to a man.. I don't think that's insurance that she's straight but it certainly doesn't indicate anything to the contrary. Plus, I'm not too fond of people telling other people what they are or aren't. It's their business *and* it doesn't matter.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2001

Thanks, James. That was an articulate, well-reasoned response.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2001

Good solid argument, James. Thumbs-up.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001

I too agree with a lot of what James said, but the writer of that piece (whoever it may have been) did consider themselves a "Bad American", so go figure. Also, it's just comedy, I'm sure half of the things the person mentioned wasn't supposed to be taken literally.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001

I think the "bad american" thing was kind of sarcastic. Like saying "If this is being a bad american, fine," or "if this is wrong, I don't want to be right." That sort of thing. Like if you've ever heard gun lobbyists say "If guns are unamerican, then I'm unamerican." And I'm sure whoever wrote this believes all the opinions expressed in it.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2001

Look, do you think that when Jay Leno or David Letterman do their monologue or even when stand up comedians do theirs... that they are actually speaking the truth? That they agree 100 percent with what they're saying to the public? That they meant for their own comedy to be taken literally and for people to be take offense? Of course not.

And also, if you actually think that whoever it was that wrote that piece thinks that Hilary Clinton is a lesbian or that your license should be revoked if you don't pass in the passing lane, or even that global warming is a big lie.... then you're the ignorant one. It's just comedy, get over it.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2001

i've seen george carlin live, and he's just as offensive in person as he is on paper. if you think he's upset because this forward makes him look un-PC, you're probably wrong. he's probably upset because a) he didn't write it, and b) it's not all that funny. i don't know about anyone else, but i wouldn't want something in written form attributed to me if i didn't write it and i thought i could do much better. furthermore, i think george carlin would probably be offended that someone else thought that they could sit down and box his political views in a couple of lines of an email forward. i'll save you all from how i think george carlin would respond to what he considers "stupid" in that email.

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2001

Cam,

I wasn't saying that the person means every word if it totally *literally* but that they agree with the *opinions expressed* in it. I don't think that the opinion expressed by saying that people who don't pass properly should have their licenses revoked is *literally* that, but that bad drivers are a nuisance, etc. This thing is partially comedy, but is also intended to express opinions, it wasn't written with the intention similar to "Ha ha, this is funny because I don't actually believe any of it."

-- Anonymous, July 09, 2001

//How is this ignorant? Off the top of my head..

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

This obviously refers to the whole homosexuals in scouts issue, nothing like saying girls shouldn't be allowed in. It's obviously implying that gay people aren't Real Men[tm] or something along those lines. \\

I don't think this implies that girls shouldn't be allowed in the Boy Scouts. Although they aren't. That's why they have the Girl Scouts. I think that this refers to pedophiles, not homosexuals. It should be made very clear that even if a male pedophile is molesting boys, it is not the same thing as homosexuality. Peophellia is a completely different thing.

-- Anonymous, August 22, 2001