I married my ex-wife after a few short months of dating. She had been married previously and blamed the breakup of her first marriage on her ex's violence. Now, I'm a big-guy. I played college football, competed in powerlifting events, and I've been a martial artist for about fifteen years . . . but I've never struck, or been violent with a woman. I was brought up believing that violence against women is simply not acceptable, unfortunately my ex-wife didn't feel the same.

The violence actually started on our honeymoon when she didn't like the "theme" room at the country inn/bed and breakfast that we were staying at. Once we got home it only intensified. I've been hit with everything from the remote control to an aluminum baseball pat. The women threw boiling water on me, attempted to stab me twice (once making minor contact), and actually hit me in the face with a clothes iron while I was sleeping. And to top it all off, the one time I dare to call the police I am the one that is threatened with arrest -- even though I broke down and literally begged one of the officers to get me out of there.

Beyond the physical violence, she also cut me off from my friends and family, wouldn't let me go to the gym, and would get angry/violent if I wasn't home within fifteen minutes after work.

When it comes down to it, I couldn't leave. I really don't know why, but I couldn't walk away. I had friends, family, a place to go, but I couldn't leave.

She would walk out after a fight and comeback thirty, forty minutes later as if nothing had happened. Finally, one night after a fairly violent incident she walked out and ended up calling me from her mother's house to tell me that she was "upset, and not coming back for a few days".

I met with her one-on-one the next day at a little lunch counter near her parents home. She spent about foryfive minutes telling me what was wrong with our relationship, much of it was right on the spot, but when I tried to suggest a way to fix the problems we had she got up from the table and left. And that was when I "snapped".

I ended up walking out to my car and driving to Las Vegas. I had a niece who was getting married and I couldn't think of anywhere else to go. I stopped sleeping for a while and began drinking for the first time in my life.

After Vegas, I met with my ex-wife several more times over a two week period. A couple of times one-on-one and a couple of times with her counselor/therapist. Each and every meeting ended when she would get angry and walk out. So, I ended up filing for divorce.

Her family had political connections in the church we were members of and after I filed for divorce I was summarilly dismissed from the organization. I still wasn't able to sleep much and this just made it worse.

Eventually, I quit my job and decided to go back to school. The divorce was finalized about six months after the breakup. Three months after that I learned that my ex-wife had given birth to a little girl -- I found out from the birth announcements in the local paper. That was and continues to be a serious problem for me. Just so everyone knows, I keep current on child support and visit my little girl as often as I can.

After about eighteen months, I met my current wife. My current wife is an incredible woman and is the reason why I am writing this. She has helped me through some seriously tough times and I am afraid I'm just not doing enough. I support our family, I do the normal dad stuff at home, I love attending my kids' activities. I love being a fater, but I am manic depressive as a result of my previous relationship and my family deserves better than I am giving them.

I still don't sleep very well. I've given up on medication and therapy. Which I'm sure is the two things that most of you would advise me to become involved with. The fact remains, I can't stand the way I feel on medication, and every therapist I've met wants to tell me "you know you are a person of great value" which always comes off sounding like someone trying to sale me a bad plaid jacket. I need some sort of a resource, some sort of help, but I feel incredibly lost. I can't confront my ex, and I can't walk away and forget about her because she still has my little girl.

I've got to do more for my family, I've got to stop this. I just don't know how and I'm getting increasingly afraid of where I am going mentally.

I apologize for the babbling, and for what must seem like gibberish, but I am scared, isolated, and I don't see an end to it.

I'm not sure what I am asking for. Perhaps a few ideas. Perhaps anything. Its difficult for me to ask for anything, even in a forum as anonymous as this. I'm not sure what to do and I don't see it going on for long.

-- Anonymous, June 26, 2001

Answers

I'm soory you are going through this. You do sound like a fine person and I'm glad you were able to find a good woman. Since you have a lot of experience with staying in good physical condition, have you tried nutritional supliments to enhance your well being. I've gone through quite a bit of the same stuff as you and I find that vitamins and healthy eating and exercise helps the best. Good luck Ron (John #1 in the stories)

-- Anonymous, August 31, 2001