I have a taste for fresh human breastmilk, courtesy of my lactating former girlfriend. I would like to accumulate some large quantities for enjoyment, to drink, pour over cereal, make butter, whatnot. I don't want to take away from the babies, but keep in mind that any woman can give milk once her breasts have been stimulated long enough. I can provide funds for the breast pumping machines, etc.

I can't wait! So excited!

Due to unusual nature of my request, I don't want to make my email address known yet, but if you're interested (you will be rewarded), leave your email address below. Thank you very much!

-- BreastMan (slurper@milksuck.com), June 14, 2001

Answers

Breastman,

I lactate. I am approved by the American Dairy Association. Tony Baloney ignores me. Whan can we meet? My boobs are bursting.

-- (Lorelei@Jim_Jefford's.barn), June 14, 2001.

Have you tried Ebay?

-- (they@got.everything), June 14, 2001.

Not every woman can relactate, and most women who try to lactate without having recently been pregnant do not seem to produce much milk. Age has nothing to do with it, "youth" is not a prerequisite. There are milk banks out there for babies who need breast milk to thrive, and I encourage those who are able to contribute to those rather than take up with horny trolls who hope that your bra size is bigger than your IQ.

Never mind the money for pumps, it's the "etc." that matters. You don't have to show us your email address, first just show the Fedex account with which your lacto-philanthropists will COD the stuff to you, and your account with a firm supplying sufficient dry ice for the shipping.

I encourage you to hold your breath until you get a response that meets your needs.

-- Former La Leche League member (toughluck@no.thanks), June 14, 2001.

um......nevermind

-- (cin@cin.cin), June 14, 2001.

Ew.

-- Alice in Wonder Bra (alice@wonder.bra), June 14, 2001.

*grin*

-- Cherri (jessam5@home.com), June 14, 2001.

Besides, you little ninny -- what's the first mantra any mommy is required to recite according to the regulations promulgated by the Mommies' Union?

"Don't put it in your mouth, you don't know where it's been!"

That includes body fluids bought from strangers over the Internet. While you are merrily sprinkling this "mother's milk" over your Wheaties, you have no way of knowing if it is actually skim milk from the corner grocery (she lied to you), or mother's milk from a crack whore with mastitis (she'll lie too).

Lip-smackin' good. Wasn't for nothing that Barnum said there's a sucker born every minute.

-- Former La Leche League member (now they @re.strictlyornamental), June 15, 2001.

I had about enough of your attitude. Why don't you just send the Catholics on a spaceship to Mars if that is really the way you feel.

-- bimi thanton (bthanton@lillyroj.com), June 16, 2001.

LOL. What does this have to do with Catholics?

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), June 16, 2001.

ALL the Catholics? We'd need quite a few spaceships. What would they do for communion wine after the initial cargo was finished? That liquid weight is a heavy payload. Grapes aren't the most suitable candidate for hydroponics. Would this make Mars a Catholic planet, and would the Pope claim it as territory? The Catholic Church is having enough trouble already finding men to become priests. In a frontier colony how will you manage to divert precious resources to maintain a religious structure and properly train new ones, especially given the considerable stresses of first being confined in a spaceship for a couple of years and then having to start an entire civilization from scratch in an incredibly harsh environment? And what will happen to all the myriad of social institutions and relationships back here on Earth if millions of Catholics are raptured off to Mars?

Er, did you mean to put that answer in another thread, by any chance? Or do we have to report to Fortean Times that there has been a visitor from Planet Non Sequiter?

-- Mr. Spock (logistics@emigration.office), June 16, 2001.