My husband is running a business of his own, and overpaying everyone just so they like him. He has 10 employees, including the secretary, and her daughter. He pays the secretary $26.00 per hour and most of the labor $150.00 a day. It is a fumigation company. My husband has gone bankrupt in the past, and we had a lien against our home from the IRS. Now he is running a business again and not reporting it to the IRS. He owes about 68,000 in federal taxes, and about 10,000 in state taxes. We are renting a house and we are both about 50 years old, every year he tells me we are going to buy a house, but we can never afford it. He has too many expenses, with too many credit cards, cell phones for each employee, gasoline card for everyone, and he pays everyones dental. If I complain he yells at me and tells me to leave or he will leave. His secretary will do anything for him, even lie, and forge my name and signature. She doesn't care if my husband pays taxes or not with all the money she is making, she doesn't care. She lied to me and took my W2's and nevered filed my income tax. I finally took them back and filed my tax return separately. My husband ran me out of the office one day and shoved me into the car by force because I questioned a garnishment letter from the IRS that I received because I applied for a business license for him in 1998 because he didn't want to use his name. The IRS wants me to pay $5,886.00 for taxes when I didn't even have a business or work. I feel trapped, he brainwashes my kids about me, and tells them I am sick and his secretary just laughs at me because she knows my husband will support her no matter what. I want my husband to get rid of her, but he tells me that is no issue and there is no way he is going to fire her. I don't know what to do, I am feeling hopeless and friendless. I just want to die. I can't go on this way. I tell my husband if he is cheating on me, not to come home or touch. He tells me he is not cheating one me, but I think he is lying, just like he lies about everything else. He applied for two credit cards in my name, using my social security and mothers maiden name with the help of the secretary at work for female to call it in to activiate it. He has maxed out one my credit cards for $9000.00 in 2 months and he is just sending in minimum payment to pay it off. He applied for this without my permission and takes all the mail to work and lets the secretary handle all our personnel bills at work. Alot of things are happening, and he would not let me work in the office when he needed another secretary, because he said he needed someone already trained. I asked him about that again, yesterday, and he said he is not going to have a sick person giving him advice. He keeps telling me that I am sick and need help, and everytime we argue he wants me to apologise, because he tells me he loves me, but I don't love him and support him with his business. I don't know if he is right, I really think he is wrong, but I don't have any help. My husband wants a divorce if I don't get help, or go on prozac or something. My mother and sisters tell me to leave, but I don't want to leave my children with him. My husband will takes them away. He has already threatened to put an injunction on me in order to protect the kids from me he said. He has a bad temper and raises his voice real loud when he gets angry, you can hear him across the street and calls me a bitch and tells me how great and wonderful and loving he is and how bad and ungrateful I am. Please tell me what to do, I need help really bad, I can't be strong anymore, I am tired of holding on. Please, please, someone out there get this message and help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2001

Answers

Hang in there Yolie! You're not friendless, I'm your friend. Keep your chin up, it's only going to get better.

National Domestic Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE A crisis line that can provide immediate help through referrals to local shelters, counselors and legal advice.

Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433 They provide referrals to the nearest local crisis hotlines and services where counselors are ready to help 24 hours a day.

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2001

Dear Yolanda, you need legal advice on how to protect yourself and kids against your husband madness. I do not know if he's cheating on you, but it looks like, with that secretary. He seems to have a middle age crisis, a serious one. Your family is right, you should leave.

-- Anonymous, February 27, 2002

Don't let that happen to you!!! He has no right to do that stand up for yourself, don't let that scrub take advantage over you. You tell him straight up how you feel and if he don't like it, he can deal, because being in a marriage you have a say in things too. If he really cares about you he wil change, if he doesn't, you can definatly do better.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2002

Here is a web link that I think you will find very very supportive and helpful: http://rhiannon31.community.everyone.net/community/scripts/topics.pl? NodeID=275866&ClientID=938542

If this does not work, look up "Cop and Survivor" in a major search engine...this will take you to the site...then you can go to their message boards and post. The kind people there that have survived domestic violence have helped me tremendously. z

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2002

Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways aknowledge Him and He shall make your paths straight. When I say Him and He I mean God Almighty not that ridiculous husband of yours! If you are not a Christian then I will pray for you myself. May God Bless you and your family.

-- Anonymous, January 09, 2003

It sounds like you need to get away from that sick asshole, period.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2003

If your not divorced by now, God help you! If this poor excuse for a human being is still in your life get him out as soon as possible! It is such a shame that you are taking this kind of abuse! You could win a divorce Hands Down!! Nanette

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2003

I don't know if you're still even reading these or not, but alot of what you say hits home with me. I want you to know two things.

First, all of these things that your husband is doing are control mechanisms. (i.e. messing up your credit so you can't leave, telling you you're sick so you put up with his abuse and don't leave, telling you he loves you and thinking that's enough justification for his actions.)

Secondly, you should know that you do have power in this situation, although from your point of veiw, you may feel helpless. He got credit cards in your name...cancel them. If your state is a joint property state, go to the office and make yourself copies of all of the documetation you need to prove that what he is doing is illegal. If your children are old enough to understand, go get screened for mental health problems, and when it shows up clear, show them. Better yet, let your husband pick the psychologist just to prove that it's not fixed.

Now, you may very well be depressed, and that is completely understandable, because you are in an abusive situation. Many women have a hard time recognizing anything but physical violece as abuse, but let me tell you now, that what your husband is doing and saying to you is definately mental and emotional abuse. If you haven't left, pack up your kids and go. Remember, all things being equal, the woman is usually awarded custody, and you have the added benefit of proof of his indescretions. I would suspect though, that if you did, he'd come begging you back, promising to change. Don't go back UNTIL he does. Not only if he promises...

You and your children should all seek councling just to heal from the wounds that he has caused.

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2003

your story sounds very much like mine (minus self-employment. my husband has a very good job though). he was very cruel and although he said he loved me, his actions said different. this is just a trait that emotionally damaged and abusive men possess. the sad part about it all is that before it's all over with you do feel sick and tired. i've moved out already. i'm on my own but the damage that living in that type of controlling situation has hurt my emotional health tremendously. i have a lot of baggage i need to work through. i haven't yet figured out to love myself and not believe all those horrible things/incidents i had to endure. to him i was everything from a slut to whatever other hurtful thing could come out of his mouth. i hope you've left him too so you can start healing yourself.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2003

Hey Yolanda:

Men like that are controllers - they try to control you and if they can't they do something called emotional abuse. I've been in the same situation. It is sick and they really enjoy the pain they inflict on women. They control money, finances, who you see, what you do, how you dress, where you go, how you think and act, when you sleep, when you wake up, where you work, what religion you are, what you buy, the list goes on endlessly. When you resist or do not listen, then they throw in emotional abuse, that is when you are told something and they deny doing or saying it or simply saying things like everyone knows you are a sick person. They will also break and hurt things you love and destroy the good relationships in your life. How do I know so much? I got counseling - but you are in danger of getting into the same kind of relationship again and again. Scarey huh? Yep, it can kill you - you will either develop severe health problems (mental or physical from the stress and abuse) or he will take it to another level of physical abuse (including drugging your food). I've heard and seen it all. Get you and your children away - contact the authorities - contact Womensafe - a confidential organization that can help you in numerous ways. It is scarey I know to go out alone, but it does get better with time. Money can be replaced, not your lives.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2003