what can a guy do if his soon to be ex-wife has always threatened him with taking there child away, and threatened him with her accusations of abuse if he didnt do what she want like sex or to get back together or what not? and what if she succeeded with her threats and nothing really happened but she some how has bruises now and the guy knows that nothing ever happened?

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2001

Answers

Mr. Garcia, these things happen all the time. The National Organisation of Women have successfully made the man appear to be responsible for Domestic Violence. Recent research has uncovered the fact that women are responsible for more severe violence on the man ( 59:1000) than men on women (22:1000). The woman is more violent in child abuse cases, as well as abuse of the elderly. Judges are beginning to wake up to this drivel espoused by the N.O.W. If your wife is more culpable than you, and you are being targeted by the Criminal Justice system...gather any witness who supports you e.g. Family both yours and hers, neighbors, prior police reports, photographs, childs testimonies, social workers, anything that can support your position and present it to the Judge. If your Judge is one of those from the old school, get on the internet and find valid statistics to present him. Good luck! Try this website: Http://www.abs-comptech.com/domestic.html

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2001

I'll have to make a correction. The statement that women are responsible for more serious violence is not correct. More violence-yes, but in most cases the violence is less serious when assaulting the male. However, research shows that Black women are capable of causing serious injury to the Black male, particularly in jealous fury.

-- Anonymous, August 24, 2001

I'll have to make a correction. The statement that women are responsible for more serious violence is not correct. More violence-yes, but in most cases the violence is less serious when assaulting the male. However, research shows that Black women are capable of causing serious injury to the Black male, particularly in jealous fury.

Phill

-- Anonymous, August 24, 2001

I like I believe that, phill. Let me see. My other has a ttaacjed me with pots, pans, remote controls, shoes, hammers, pruning shears, household shears, mops, brooms, chain saws, and cars. And you try to say that they are not more voilent or cause more injury. I have been to the hospital more than once and the police try to pass it off as something else. ( never DV, unless I try to push and then it is me attacking her. even tho I am the one with the injuries.) So go try to sell that snke oil some where else.You will never convince me that women are not cold blooded killers.

-- Anonymous, August 27, 2001

I am a black female who grew up in a violent and brutal environment. Since then, I am educated and live a middle class existence. In the right circumstances any and every one has the potential to do great harm to others. Women may feel the urge to hurt others, but generally don't act out. However, harmones, environment and conditioning can make some women just as deadly as men. I'm glad that as a whole, we are more genteel.

-- Anonymous, September 10, 2001

Phyllis I could not believe what you are trying to pass off. Women being ‘genteel’. That is a contradiction in terms. I have watched women start fights and then get mad because their boyfriend, husband, lover did not step in to rescue them from the what ever BIG, BAD Meanie is hurting them. Women love to start confrontations and then blame it on some one else. Calling men names and then calling the police to report abuse when some one dares to call them a B****. I have had it with women who call and claim abuse when I know that they have attacked first. (Do not tell me ‘I am wrong’, I am living this hell.)

-- Anonymous, September 12, 2001

The NOW theories on male violence is based on the premise that battery is a consequence of a patriarchal social system, however through more rigorous and innovative research, we find that women are almost as likely to be the assaulting partner in domestic violence offenses as the men( Steinmetz 1977). However it must be added-that this violence exhibited by the female is less threatening in most cases. Most is underscored because recently there have been more reports and prosecution of female aggression than ever before. I will allude to my theory of this later. This new information has allowed other researchers to move away from the belief that violence is exclusively man's domain, and move into more creative programs who maintain that domestic violence is not uniquely a male-but family disorder, and must be treated in whole rather than as separate problems. We cannot in all honesty blame any member of the family with the exclusion of any other member until we know exactly what takes place within the family structure. Patterns of family violence, by it's nature, tends to be hidden from official view, and although increased sensitivity has brought out how pervasive the problem really is, we don't yet know what the dynamics are behind it. Recent research has shone primary aggression by the females is a more serious problem then was previously thought. This increased assaultive behavior in women may be traced back to the equal rights amendment, which effectively put more women in the work force, increased their independence, and put them at par with men in most elements of society1- including the military. This is not to say that we are not going in the right direction with the Equal rights for all adults, but that we are treading areas that we know little about. Studies have revealed evidence that women actually batter their children, particularly male children,( Maden and Wrench 1977) and the elderly more often than the males. If we are going to effectively turn the tide of intimates hurting each other - we'll look for blame where it lies. Tacit police policy has always been that when the police are called into domestic disputes, the female is to be protected. This policy is not official doctrine, but most officers unconsciously believe the male is less likely to be injured by the female than the other way around. The author agrees with this position for initial response to DV. However, the problem with this policy is that many times they are arresting the victim rather than the offender. Police officers simply do not possess the experience, nor educational skills necessary to make an accurate judgment when it comes to violence in the home. Abusive women have learned that if the husband strikes back in defense of her abuse, they can call the police, and the police will see them as the victim by feigning weakness and crying.

-- Anonymous, September 14, 2001

The Dept.of Social Services has a special protocol for dealing with DV,a woman can file charges against a man and have those filed in court and it's up to the man to hire a lawyer at his cost to prove his innocence.

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002

There is not a whole lot you can do.Judges rubber stamp these injunctions without any intrest in the truth so they can cover their ass in case violence does happen.It is easier for them to violate your constitional rights than it is to seek the truth.I know because I live this hell. My former wife Is using this type of injunction as a litigation strategy and for harrassment as well as a way to keep me from my child. The Judge in my case awarded my ex a permanent injunction without even a police report or witness. This has taken my right to posess a firearm { yes the same as a convicted felon}Now I can no longer go hunting and exercise my rights as an American citizen.The strange thing about this is that the Judge later Resigned and took up law practice and was accused of brandishing a knife and firearm at his secretary. He even admitted to this in the newspaper but said he was joking. When It went to the states attorney no charges were filed. Firearms are not a joke but this kind of law ad the people that continue to let these kind of things go on in our society is a joke that is not very funny at all.

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2002

Most women who commit these acts of DV, are usualy a woman who is unhappy in either her relationship or her life, or wanting complete control of her relationship. Most acts of DV from a man to a woman is also acts of control. I think that the justice system does need to open their eyes and see that not only men are violent in this world. Lately in the news how many mothers have you seen killing their children? More than what there should be! Women try and hold their emotions in until they reach a breaking point where all they feel they can do is act out in voilence. Just like Mr. Garcia said if you are a victim of DV, no matter female or male keep record of each and every attack that was commited upon you. For Bill I am sorry that you have been a victom of DV. Pay attentions to the signs and get out before it happens.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2002

This message, perhaps late (about a year to put it roughly) is for Bill. I for one do not believe that women are not capable of domestic violence as badly as men. It's a fact that I've witnessed in my life that women can prove themselves just as bad as men when it comes to domestic violence. I hope that by this point you have overcome your paranoia that all women are 'cold blooded killers'. I am truthfully sorry that you have been put through so much by a woman abuser, but that doesn't implicate all women as 'killers' as much as one man abusing a woman doesn't implicate all men as 'abusers'. By believing this, you can only harm yourself in the long run. Trust may be hard for you, but I hope that you may be able to overcome being forced to mistrust someone so much, and being mistrusted by authorities at the same time. Hopefully, you have already realized this. Take care.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2002

I teach a Batterer Intervention Program in my home town and others in the area. I interview the victims as well as the offenders. The one thing that strikes me is that in many cases-the women were just as involved in the violence as were the men. In some cases- it was the women who started the confrontation as a means to an end. The END...who knows maybe they wanted the husband to hit them to have an excuse to go out. Women are just like men when it comes to violence. I advise my clients to fight fairly. They must protect themselves, but they don't have a right to strike the woman under any circumstances. Two wrongs do not make a right. Unfortunatly many times when men call the police for protection-they are the ones arrested. This single short coming of law enforcement prevents those who need their protection from trying to get it. I have seen men batter their spouse, and when they see that the spouse is going to call the police- beat her to it and call the law and try to manipulate the circumstances to avoid arrest. There are a number of charectoristics common to batterers. 1) Grandiosity 2) manipulation 3) Glibness 4) pathological lying 5) Lack of empathy etc. The presence of many of these charectoristics suggest the individual may by psychopathic. Narssicisstic anti social batterers are dangerous, schizoid batterers are very dangerous. Domestic Violence is an epidemic born of angst, poverty, wealth, competition-in other words everything that makes Americans what we are. We are just beginning to try to see the truth behind this terrible affliction that strikes the rich as well as the poor, the educated as well as the un educated. The tragidy is that this kind of violence perpetuates itself through intergenerational learning mechanisms.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2002

Katelynne, (I hope I didn't spell it wrong) thank you for your contribution. I do not believe it, but still thank you. I would rather be paraniod than dead. (similar to 'just because you are paraniod does not mean people are not out to get you.') I woke one night to find my wife on my chest with a knife at my throat. She was saying ' See how easy it would be to kill you?' That type of behavior moves the paranoia bar (sp?) Why don't I leave? I love my child too much. I do not want too lose her. And do not try to tell me that men are getting the children at the divorce court - I have not seen it yet. But5 I have seen lots of men going through hell because they believed in the system and in justice. (it no longer exists the US court system.) It lonely exists for women to abuse men. Phil - I have lived with the manipulation, lying, glibness and lack of empathy. She does not care about any one but herself an ddoes not care about the pain others must suffer

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2002

This message is addressed to Bill as well. Your welcome to the thank yous, but it's just that I do not like to see people living in paranoia. I was not aware previously that you are still in your abusive relationship, and in that case you have every right to be paranoid...against your wife and perhaps the authorities and court system. Unless there is anyone else involved. And no, I do not believe that men are getting the children at the divorce court. My sincerest hopes for escape to this evident trauma go out to you and your children. Best luck, Katy.

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2002

Bill: The best thing for you to do is stop complaining about your ex- woman and move on with your life. Start and get a new life.

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2002

well i think guys are really stupid and so are girls. everyone needs to get a life.

-- Anonymous, February 24, 2003

Get out there guys! Voulenteer anywhere you can so men and women out in the comunity get to know you and what you are really like. Remember the camera and document everything you do in the community and with your kids. The "classic" abusive women talks herself into a corner with everyone eventually. Get on the church council, school board, Rotery or whereever your interests lie. Check out opportunities to get involved with your local food drive, etc... Anywhere men and women work together cooperatively. You will have witnesses to the fact that you are a normal, kind person who gets along with all kinds of people. You can prove it! You are not the person she says you are - you are much better than that and you can absolutely prove it if you get out there and you will be doing good at the same time. You will set a good example for your kids and they will see you out among people who like you and treat you respectfully.

Don't speak negatively about the woman who is the problem - and SHE is the problem. Her antics will give her away. If she decides to go along - it won't be for long, she can't bear to not be the center of attention. If she pitches a fit about you going, invite her along.

The get out of the relationship asap - you are in danger so get out... Please. You must initiate the divorce because it is a fact that actual abusive men rarely do. Check divorce laws n your state, discuss with a lawyer the best way to go about protecting yourself. Do this secretly and pay cash. Learn the name of her psychologial disorder if she has one (likely) read about abusive women

Join a Martial Arts club - Remember the black eye she gave herself by pulling a door into her face - sick, yes, but these are not healthy idividuals- or those marks on her wrist (stick arm in the car window and close over it until very tight - roll window down, move arm and repeat - narrow bruises will form - like finger marks) True or not My experience was that it was thought unlikely that a person with martial arts training would initiate the types of violence she claimed she had suffered. A martial arts club is a way to get out and meet people. She may want to join initially, but she will tire of it when the most attravtive instructor rebuffs her flirtations or it becomes clear that she will have to earn her way to the next level, or that it takes time. Sign the kids up right away so you will be going at the same times. Do joint kid things as often as you can swing it. Take pictures and keep the negatives or discs in a safe deposit box. I am not kidding.

She might hate it that you are doing things with the kids, but once she figures out that it is something "boring", and that it gives her a free hour or so when she is unaccountable, she'll go along. That will be one of the possible times to have her followed if you are in a "fault" divorce state. If not, it isn't worth caring about. You will get the brownie points for being an involved Dad, and you will get all the real benefits from being an involved Dad too. Sign homework, go to conferences, chaperone field trips, bring cookies for parties. The people at work will remember why you took the time off or didn't go to lunch with them, and so will the kids and teachers (and your kids will LOVE it).

Expect things to escalate before they get better. Don't eat of drink anything she has prepared. This is dead serious.

Change the locks and upgrade security. Never let her into the house. Ever, ever, no matter what. Don't weaken on this one she will try every trick in the book. Carrying in sleeping kids is a common one. Plan ahead you know her. Talk outside where people can see you.

Meet her at the car before she gets out - put your outstreatched arm on the drivers door, and bend so you are at eye level to the window. keep your free hand in your pocket or behind your back. When you are tired of standing you have talked long enough. Be watchful, she may spit at you, spray something at you, or poke at your eyes. Watch out when she starts to drive away. Be prepared to jump clear.

For your safety a busy parking lot is a better place to meet. At a fast food resturant, you can order food for the kids and a coffee or soda for yourself when she is late (and she will be if it bugs you- document it every time) talk about something neutral and enjoyable so everyone at the restaurant remembers that you were having a calm, pleasant time and you are not a threatening type guy ( and your kids don't get nervous that you are upset)Be nice to the serving people. She might try to join you to make it her fantasy of a "family" dinner. One fantasy leads to another. Only order food for the kids. Park in clear view of the windows.

Never let her play the sex card to get back into your house. It will give her false hopes she can still control you and her antics will escalate again when you try to re-draw your boundries. It confuses the kids and they may begin to doubt you. You will alienate the people who have come to believe in you in this very dificult time. You discredit yourself and discredit their loyalty to you.

Document, document, document. Inconspicuous video cameras are cheap and widely available if you have no other alternative. Check the law in your state ahead of time. Don't record sound if it is not llegal. Stay within the law! Remember she is probably recording your phone conversations. Assume it. If you record, she will too.

Put a lid on your temper and dispair.

Read about the Stockholm Syndrome FYI

Good luck, be careful. Think "Safety First", document, only associate in full public view, you can get through this. It won't be worse than what you have already been through - but now there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

P.s. If she needs "help" for whatever reason, (burst water pipe, car,etc) she should be calling appropriate people, not you - tell her that . You NEVER loan her money. Suicide attempt fake outs are to be expected. It is too bad that you can't believe her, but why is she calling you? call 911 and DO NOT visit the hospital.

The only emergency you show up for is your child in the Hospital and hopefully that never happens.

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2003

Everybody, remember:-

Women are passive and never violent. Men are agressive and often violent.

Now let's take our medication and go back to sleep.

-- Anonymous, April 27, 2003

I have read many of your letter and I find I haven't to agree with the men's, yes I'm a women, I'm a single mother and grandmother, my son is living in pure hell of from a women who accused him of kidnapping and rapping her and she's the one who brough the condoms and they had concensual sex but in the end when he refuse to stay and sleep with her again she screams rape, she never attended any rape classes, she came back looking for my son at the same place she claimed she was raped at now how stupid is that and then to top it off her mother claims she is mental defective but never proven by any lawyer, but my son is registered as sex offender in gainesville fl. and he's been denied of ever legal obligation to prove his innocent to the courts, my son turned himself in and believe in the system to get straighten out when the system turned on him and his appointed lawyer lied to him, so I'm a women but women do lie and will do as they please and rely on the system to uphold them in their lie, so to the men stand up and fight your cause in any way possible that you can and may God be with you as I'm praying for my only son.

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2003

I AM A VICTIM OF FEMALE VIOLENCE, AND VICTIM OF A FALSE ACCUSATION BY MY WIFE PURELY FOR ECONOMIC REASONS. I AM AT PRESENT LIVING ON THE STREETS. I AM DISABLED. MY WIFE IS AN INDIAN. SHE COMES FROM A CULTURE AND TRADITION OF VIOLENCE. A RECENT BOOK BY JOSE SANCHEZ PARGA ABOUT THE VIOLENCE IN THE TIGUA/ZUMBAWA REGION OF ECUADOR HAS ALLOWED ME TO SHOW THOSE WHO DO NOT BELIEVE IN ME, THAT MY WIFE HAS BEEN THE VIOLENT AT HOME, AND THAT MY COMPLAINTS, CRIMINAL, SOME OF THEM ARE REAL. HOWEVER, TODAY I LIVE ON THE STREETS BECAUSE HERE IN ECUADOR A PRO-FEMALE TRIBUNAL, CALLED COMISARIA DE LA MUJER Y LA FAMILIA, VIOLATING THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL DUE PROCESS OF LAW GARANTEES, AND WITHOUT HEARING THE HUSBAND'S SIDE, ISSUES AN ORDER TO HAVE THE HUSBANS THROWN OUT OF THE HOUSE, AND THE WIFE, IN MY CASE, WHO HAS MARRIED ME FOR ECONOMIC PURPOSES, IE, HAVE ME KILLED SO THAT SHE AND HER FAMILY CAN LIVE IN MY HOUSE WITH MY PROPERTY, WITHOUT THE LEAST CARE OF THE INTEGRITY OF MY DAUGHTER, A THREE YEAR OLD BEAUTIFUL CHILD. THE INDIAN ORGANIZATIONS HERE, SUCH AS THE CONAIE, MICC, ECUARUNARY AND OTHERS, THAT I HAVE FILED CRIMINAL COMPLAINS AGAINST, SIMPLY DO NOT HEAR, AND CAN CARE LESS ABOUT DOING JUSTICE. SIMPLY LOUDLY DEFEND THEIR, INDIAN LAW, DERECHO INDIGENA, AND FAIL TO PUNISH ONE OF THEIR OWN. I HAVE STUDIED IN THE US, AND IN ONE OF THE BEST UNIVERSITIES THERE. FOR MY IDEALISM I HAVE DEFENDED THE INDIANS CAUSE. NOT KNOWING THE INDIAN PRESENT REALITY, I AM A VICTIM OF HER VIOLENCE, INSULTS, DEFAMATION, KIDNAPPING, ATTEMPTED HOMICIDE, HITS OF MY HEAD AND BODY WITH STICKS, POTS AND PANS. ALL IN FRONT OF MY INNOCENT CHILD. HOW CAN THIS BE FAIR? I HAVE FILED COMPLAINS WITH THE COMISARIA DE LA MUJER SINCE 1999 AGAINST HER FOR THE VIOLENCE AGAINST ME, AND THEY SIMPLY CLOSE THEIR DOORS TO ME. I HAVE FILED CRIMINAL COMPLAINS WITH THE CHILDREN TRIBUNAL, TRIBUNAL DE MENORES, FOR THE VIOLENCE MY WIFE COMMITS AGAINST MY CHILD. THEY DO NOTHING. SO, I THINK THAT WE MEN VICTIMS OF FALSE ACCUSATIONS, AND VICTIMS OF VERBAL AND PHYSICAL VIOLENCE BY OUR WIVES HAVE NOWHERE TO GO TO SEEK JUSTICE, NOT ONLY FOR US, BUT FOR OUR CHILDREN. I HAVE BEEN VERY PATIENT WITH MY WIFE BEING OF A DIFFERENT CULTURE. BUT THE WORLD MUST KNOW THAT IN ECUADOR, THE INDIANS WHO FOR 510 YEARS HAVE BEEN VICTIMS OF VIOLENCE NOW PRACTICE VIOLENCE AGAINST THE REST OF SOCIETY WITH IMPUNITY. THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE SINCE I MARRIED THIS INDIAN WOMAN FOUR YEARS AGO. I CALL ON THOSE INTELLECTUALS INTERESTED ON THE SUBJECT TO HEAR MY CASE AND CALL. FIND OUT WHAT WOMEN ARE DOING TO HUSBANDS WHO REALLY TRY TO UNDERSTAND PAST EXPERIENCES AND PRACTICES AGAINST WOMEN. BUT NOW WOMEN SEEM TO TAKE ADVANTAGE SOMEHOW OF THE SYSTEM OF IMPUNITY, AND FOR ECONOMIC REASONS, DO HARMFUL THINGS TO US. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. IF YOU HAVE ANY COMMENTS, OR CAN HELP ME WITH PROVING MY CASE, WRITE TO ME: EMAIL: indiosisifue@hotmail.com.

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2003

You must seek help immediately. If it is not safe to go to the police, seek a good therapist immediately. Make sure he or she will help you to develope a safety plan as well learning to recogonize the cycle of violence and how to break free of it. Once you are safe and begin to recognize the full dynamics of domestic violence, it becomes essential to learn to regain self-confidence and compassion for others as well as to learn how to develop a healthy relationship. More importantly, you need to seek support in paretning your child of a DV family. There are parenting classes designed specifically for this. Children are the defenseless victims of DV. Your child needs intense support as well, therapy and/ or some sort of family wellness program. The caveat is to make sure that you and your child are safe from your abuser while seeking help of any sort. Your therapist should be able to help with this. He or she should be able to guide you as far as realisitc legal action that you may take such as getting restraining orders etc....

It is clear that there are male victims of DV, straight and gay,just as there are females. While the statistcs fro male victims of DV are unreliable, one in four women experience at least one relationship in which they are a victims of domestic violence. Any victim will tell you that it is the mental and emotional abuse that far outweigh the physical abuse. It is these types of abuse that brainwash victims and make them feel crazy. Victims of Domestic violenc generally blame themselves for the abuse. The power and control tactics of domestice violence are wrong no matter who perpetuates them. Women and apparently men who are vicims feel trapped and feel they have no option but to stay. It takes the average victim seven attempts before permanently leaving a dv relationship. The risk of fatality increases exponentially when a victim leaves or attempts to leave. Yet ultimately this is the only we to break free of the abuse. Good luck. Be safe and be healthy by taking back control of your life. No one has to be a victim.

-- Anonymous, June 24, 2003

You don't even have to be married to go through it. When I was 15 years old I made the mistake of going home with a 21 year old. I went out with her once, and even on that date she kicked me in the buttocks for saying something she didn't like. I didn't really want, but didn't protest her having sex with me. From there I later find out she was pregnant, a short conflicting relationship sprung from that. She was always hostile and high strung, would always yell, call me names, be abusive. It caused me lots of shame amoung my family, but I had to break it off with her.

She had our daughter, and in the moments of glow looking at our newborn I did an incredibly stupid thing, I started talking to her again and briefly got back together with her. She had gotten help to get an apartment that was subsidized, and four days were good..And then the screaming "You are worthless", "Why don't you ..." this or that. I got the only job I could make anything decent at, delivering pizzas. Even this was techinically illegal for me to be doing, but my boss was willing to overlook it. I came home from work late, and she's pissed at me. She ask me, who have you been with? I told her I was at work, why else would I be wearing this awful uniform? She yelled more, and punched me and I was totally floored by it. I didn't know what the hell to do, it put me in a bad spot. I ran into the kitchen, big mistake (Don't even go into the kitchen, too many things in there to be used as weapons.), she hurled a large cup at me, and then a pot of water which thankfully wasn't boiling yet that broke out the window. Hearing the window broken, the neighbors in the apartment called the police. Things settled down slightly...Then the police arrived. The police spent about 20 minutes threatening to arrest me and finally let me just gather my things and leave on my own accord.

I moved back in with my folks. It wasn't great, but it was the best option I had available. She would come over every so often to bring my daughter over, do laundry, and try to get money. Sometimes she would be hostile when she came over, but mostly I just avoided her as much as I could, even if it meant I stayed locked in one room. Only on one occasion did it escalate to the point where the police were called, and that was when I asked her to leave after she had threatened me with a knife during a brief argument. The police threatened to arrest me & charge me with "endangering a minor", but ultimately they made her leave. I was pretty livid talking to them, and it probably worked greatly against me that I was shaking and fuming from a combination of just having someone try to stab me and then having police physically push me around and threaten me. No marks on her, no marks on me.. They sent her on her way, and thank you for that.

That incident cost me my place to live, she had claimed to my folks that I had pushed her down, and since they had given her permission to be there and not me they deicded I overstepped my authority. Thanks, Folks! Being the very religious types they pressed me every day to marry her, and couldn't understand why I wasn't willing to do what they thought the moral thing to do was. Of course, they also wanted to see their grandkid. She's threatened numerous times to make that impossible. So I ended up moving in with a friend, a female friend at that. Now comes the amusing parts, she called my friend after getting her number from my folks and told her "He Hit Me, He Raped Me"... It didn't change anything, but it gave me a new front to have to worry about.

Three months later she moved to New Mexico. At first I was angry at that, I wouldn't be able to see my daughter easily or at all. I had managed to come down once for two days...And about 2 years later she called and said she was injured (broken leg) and desperately needed help and wanted me to come down and take care of our daughter till she was on her feet again. I took the time off from my employer, told him I would be gone for a few months and hoped I could get my job back when I came back, they said "Do what you have to". My boss was an okay guy.

I travelled from Missouri to New Mexico, and when I got there it was all roses. She was all pleasant to me, no problems, no yelling, and I thought maybe she had mellowed out since she had gotten away from her parents who she had told me many times in the past were very abusive to her and cruel to her. For more than a month it was fine, and I was enjoying getting to spend time with my daughter. I got a job, and made a trip home to gather my things and decided to move to New Mexico with her. That lasted 3 more months. It was night and day once I moved my things in. Suddenly everything I did wasn't good enough, and then the day when I had a Saturday off. I had decided to BBQ, and being at the age I was I had never BBQ'd before. So I was making chicken on the grill, and I have no idea how long this takes. She comes home and starts screaming at me "Why isn't this done? How come I can't come home to a full cooked meal on the table? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why don't you hurry it up?" And of course, she's been drinking. So I go back out to the grill, and she follows me, and pushes me...At this point I made a critical mistake, I got angry and got up in her face about it. She starts screaming "Don't you hit me don't you hit me I'll call the cops on you" then dead in the face she hits me with a beer bottle and I pushed her down. Cut lip, chipped teeth and all the Albuquerque PD come. I made the mistake of saying "Yeah, I pushed her down, after she hit me in the face with a bottle of tecate". That was enough for them, they took me away in handcuffs, fingerprinted me, and ultimately declined to charge me. She wasn't willing, and they weren't willing either. But I made a decision that day, I would sock away money and once a time and place presented itself where she wouldn't be there I would pack my things and leave.

Three weeks later I did so. I had used a lock box at my work to store money, cleaned it out, packed my things, and didn't look back. I didn't have a place to go when I got back, so I spent the first night in my truck, the second I found a friend who let me stay with him, and moved again a few months after that into a much nicer place. I tried to get my old job back, but they had just hired someone, so I went to work for a similar company at a pay cut. (They did give me back my old job as soon as that person left.) For the next 7 years any time I tried to talk to my daughter on the phone, she wasn't in. If I asked to have her up, she would come up with some excuse. If I tried to plan a time to come down, she would tell me she wouldn't be available. That was the situation up until I got engaged.

Upon learning that I had gotten engaged, she took a trip up and generally stayed with friends...But it was the first chance I had gotten to see my daughter in years, so I had go, whatever the terms, whatever BS I might have to endure. I took my daughter out all kinds of places, and when I got back my fiance was there talking with Sharon. Of all things, Sharon told her I had tried to have sex with her just that very day. That didn't come out till they left, and boy was that fun. It wasn't true, but it's just her way. She got over that, but we split for financial reasons about a year later.

Fast forward a couple more years. 7 months ago I started developing pains in my wrist and arms. I had a minor infection, got it treated, but the pain didn't do away. They thought it was carpal tunnel, and some of it is, and some of it is bone spurs that resulted from the body protecting itself from the infection. No insurance, worked as a contractor, so I had to find some way to get the surgery done. I gave up my apartment, and moved back in with my folks. Despite being 31 and all of the wonderful things that does to your self esteem to be back in your old room with your Dokken poster on the wall. Ho hum, indeed. I knew my time being able to work was declicing quickly, and eventually learned the cost of the operations involved to fix it. I realized I would have to go for public assistance to get it done, there wasn't another way. I could no longer do my job, or even open things for myself anymore. So I've been biding my time, seeing the doctors (I see another one tomorrow who should finally send me to the surgeon hopefully next week) who always go with conservative treatments rather than the 4 surgeries it takes because you can't take surgery back...

About 5 weeks ago guess who shows up on my door? Yep, Sharon, daughter, and oh yeah, they are broke, no place to go (her own parents, brother, sister, friends) turned her down. I begged them intensely, please do not let her stay here. My folks put her up in a hotel for a few weeks hoping she would find a job and not wanting her here. (She's been abusive to them as well since the past year or so). Within 2 days of her showing up, I start finding nails under my truck tires. I did everything I could to accelerate my appointments with the doctors. I know she's not going to find a place easily. She had 2 dogs, 3 cats, 2 ferrets, a piercing through her nose, and is quite possibly the most hostile person I have ever met in person in my lifetime. They allowed her to stay here a few nights. The second they were gone, bam, she kicks me. I ask what the hell was that for? She kicked me again in the other leg. "Because I can, what are you going to do about it?" Well, she was right, there isn't much I can do about it. I know the police are useless, I'm scared as hell of even approaching a court room. Being unemployed I'm not able to make CS payments and if you miss three months in a row they will lock you up even if it's due to disability. She knows it too. She flaunts it. She hit me again today, I've got plenty of defensive wounds all over my arms and she still managed to get one into my head punching me. I kept backing up with my hands over my face. What else can I do? I've got metal braces on my hands that prevent me from doing much of anything with my hands. I certaintly wasn't going to hit her back, the police would arrest *me* and I know it..Not that I could anyway. I'm not really sure what I can do about all of it either. I know the doctor that I see tomorrow for my hands is going to ask me about all of those bruises on my arms, I'm leery of even talking to him about it. If social services gets involved it's a good bet they wouldn't do anything about it, but probably would drag me into court over failure to pay CS -- right at the point where I'm about to get surgery and get a chance to (hopefully) liberate myself from all of this. I do worry intensely about the days immediately after surgery as I will be absolitely vulnerable and helpless then. I'm thinking of staying with a friend during that time if I can at all make that possible. I'm not financially in a position to get out of here immediately. As soon as I get my hands back I will be quickly.

Those incidents aren't even all of it. She put bugs <-- in my food. I had saved a plate for later as I have to eat with the pain meds I'm on, and put saran wrap over it and put it in the fridge. I get up much later to heat it up in the microwave and discover she has put flies and a dead waterbug in it.

The only positives, I've never known her to hit my daughter. So I'm not that concerned about her becomming violent to her. I have grave concerns that she is raising her to be a sociopath, but any arrangement that gets me more involved is going to put me in the situation of giving her more opportunities to abuse me. I'm at a point where I just don't have any long term or even short term answers as to what to do. I'm leaning towards toughing it out till I get the surgery and then working as quickly to put time and distance between it. The best thing she ever did for me was move to New Mexico. At least 1500 miles away she couldn't cause problems for me easily. With her in town, I feel like my only solution may be to flee somewhere else.

-- Anonymous, July 30, 2003