Here's one for the gipper!

Things Dogs Must Remember...

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

-- Anonymous, May 14, 2001

Answers

Too funny, Sharon.........did you write this?

-- Anonymous, May 14, 2001

I'd like to add one based upon my friend's experiences with her dumb dog Simon.

I will only eat the food in my dish. Plastic hangers, 9-volt batteries, lightbulbs, and the sofa are not kibble.

-- Anonymous, May 14, 2001

Hey I think my dog already read all these! The only one he can't seem to remember is not to wake mom up by sticking his cold wet nose on my backside (and then he runs it up my back to my neck.) Can't you just hear me in the morning...Yeouuuuwwww!

-- Anonymous, May 14, 2001

The only one he can't seem to remember is not to wake mom up by sticking his cold wet nose on my backside (and then he runs it up my back to my neck.)

Huh, for the life of me I can't understand why, but Ruth gets mad when I do this to her, too.

I guess men are a lot like dogs, eh? ;-D

-- Anonymous, May 14, 2001

Jim You old salty dog you! Do you have any idea how hard I'm laughing right now? You and Nick long lost cousins or something?

And no,aunty E.M. I plagerized it.

-- Anonymous, May 14, 2001

WOW!!! I loved this post!! Can't stop rereading and laughing!!!!

-- Anonymous, May 14, 2001

Wow, I need to read this too my dog.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2001

Here are a couple of other ones...

I will not chew open tubes of blue paint all over the new wool rug...

I will not start another collection of dead, headless bats since mom took my other one away....

I will not bury my bones and slimy rawhide chewies in the human's bed

I will not hide cheese in mom's shoes where it mummifies and she thinks it's a dead mouse she just stepped on...

I will not bury my Booda Bone in the popcorn....

I will not dump slimy tennis balls in mom/dad/s underwear while they are on the toilet either...

aren't they a joy?

-- Anonymous, May 16, 2001