I couldn't resist this one - still chuckling... Sorry -

Subject: Environmental Bureaucracy Date: Thu, 26 Apr 2001 21:53:53 -0700

> > This is supposedly an actual letter > > sent to Ryan De Vries from The Michigan > > Department of Environmental Quality, State of > > Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's response - > > but read the entire letter before you get to the > > response. > > > > Mr. Ryan De Vries > > 2088 Dagget > > Pierson, MI 49339 > > > > Dear Mr. De Vries: > > SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, > > Sec. 20; Montcalm County > > It has come to the attention of the Department of > > environmental Quality that there has been recent > > unauthorized activity on the above referenced > > parcel of property. You have been certified as > > the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the > > following unauthorized activity: Construction and > > maintenance of two wood debris dams across the > > outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued > > prior to the start of this type of activity. > > > > A review of the Department's files shows that no > > permits have been issued. > > > > Therefore, the Department has determined that this > > activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes > > and Streams, of the Natural Resource and > > Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public > > Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of > > the Michigan Compiled Laws,annotated. The Department > > has been informed that one or both of the dams > > partially failed during a recent rain event, causing > > debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find > > that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and > > cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders > > you to cease and desist all activities at this > > location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow > > condition by removing all wood and brush forming > > the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work > > shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. > > > > Please notify this office when the restoration > > has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection > > may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply > > with this request or any further unauthorized > > activity on the site may result in this case being > > referred for elevated enforcement action. We > > anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation > > in this matter. > > > > Please feel free to contact me at this office > > if you have any questions. > > > > Sincerely, > > > > David L. Price > > District Representative > > Land and Water Management Division > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > RESPONSE > > > > Dear Mr. Price: > > Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. > > 20; Montcalm County > > > > Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been > > handed to me to respond to. > > First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the > > legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, > > Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple > > of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of > > constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams > > across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While > > I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam > > project, I think they would be highly offended that > > you call their skillful use of natural building > > materials "debris." > > > > I would like to challenge your department to > > attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or > > any place you choose. I believe I can safely state > > there is no way you could ever match their dam > > skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam > > ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam > > determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to > > your request, I do not think the beavers are aware > > that they must first fill out a dam permit prior > > to the start of this type of dam activity. > > > > My first dam question to you is: > > 1) Are you trying to discriminate against my > > Spring Pond Beavers or > > (2)do you require all beavers throughout this State > > to conform to said dam request? > > > > If you are not discriminating against these > > particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information > > Act I request completed copies of all those > > other applicable beaver dam permits that have been > > issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam > > violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, > > of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection > > Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being > > sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan > > Compiled Laws, annotated. > > I have several concerns. > > My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to > > legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are > > financially destitute and are unable to pay for > > said representation - so the State will have to > > provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam > > concern that either one or both of the dams failed > > during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof > > that this is a natural occurrence, which the > > Department > > is required to protect. > > > > In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond > > Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling > > their dam names. > > If you want the stream "restored" to a dam > > free-flow condition - please contact the > > beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they > > obviously did not pay any attention to your dam > > letter being unable to read English) --be sure they > > are > > read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not > > going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams > > by interfering with these dam builders. If you > > want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending > > a copy of your dam letter and this response > > to PETA. If your dam department seriously finds > > all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly > > will not permit their existence in this State, I > > seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this > > dam policy or once again both the Spring Pond Beavers > > and I will scream prejudice! In my humble opinion, > > the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their > > unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the > > grass is green and water flows downstream. They have > > more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring > > Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and > > Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it > > should protect the natural > > resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' > > Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, > > this dam case can be referred for more elevated > > enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? > > The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then > > and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to > > contact/harass them then. > > > > In conclusion, I would like to bring to your > > attention a real environmental quality (health) > > problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are > > actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe > > you should be persecuting the defecating bears and > > leave the beavers alone. If you are going to > > investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The > > bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable > > to comply with your dam request, and being unable to > > contact you on your dam answering machine, I am > > sending > > this response to your day office via another > > government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, > > someday, it will get there. > > > > Sincerely, > > > > Stephen L. Tvedten

-- Sue Diederich (willow666@rocketmail.com), April 27, 2001

Answers

Head thrown back, tears streaming down my face, belly laughing!!!!!

-- Amanda in Mo (aseley@townsqr.com), April 27, 2001.

Sue,

ROFLOL! That was WONDERFUL : ) Thanks for the laugh!

-- Kristin, in La. (positivekharma@aol.com), April 27, 2001.

to good. :>)

-- MikeinKS (mhonk@oz-online.net), April 27, 2001.

Sue -- This was HYSTERICAL!!! Wherever do you come up witht these things? I sent it to everyone in my address book - LOL!!! Thanks for sharing it with us. I needed a "GOOD" laugh today!!

-- Greenthumbelina (sck810&@aol.com), April 28, 2001.

Thanks Sue, you just made my day!

-- woodsbilly (coleenl@penn.com), April 28, 2001.