I have finally steeled myself to stand against the tide; to stick my vulnerable head out of the weeds of political correctness and complacency, to speak the TRUTH and simply weather the flaming arrows as best I can.

Women are different from men. For example, it is now a scientifically proven fact that men, as a group, will NOT ask for directions when lost; this fact cannot be disputed.

The fact that women display far more common sense than the man in this particular case, however, doesn't mitigate against an equal but opposite fact: women don't got thermodynamics.

This conclusion is based on a lifetime of careful observation. My thesis is proven; I shall elucidate.

When we arrive home at the end of a long day, if the house is cold, my wife -- intelligent though she may be -- will crank the heater WIDE OPEN. Within a few minutes, the cats and I are laying on the carpet, strangling and dehydrating.

And her response? She turns the heat OFF. In an hour or so when the house cools off again, we get the same trick: the heat goes WIDE open, then is switched back OFF.

Likewise in the summer when it's too hot: the air conditioning is cranked WIDE OPEN. Finally, when icicles begin to form in the aquarium, she will turn it OFF. Not down, OFF.

All day long: hot, cold, hot, cold. Trying to explain the purpose of a thermostat does no good. Trying to explain that thermostats are actually quite sufficient to the purpose of keeping the temperature within the comfort zone is a waste of breath.

On, off. On, off. She's cold: the heater runs wide open. She's hot, the air conditioner runs full tilt boogie. Hot and cold, hot and cold.

This phenomenon is also observed in the clothing that they recommend to their SO's, too. For example, just the other day, I chose a long-sleeved shirt because I'd be working outside. It was 60 degrees, which can actually get a bit chilly if there's a breeze.

As soon as she spots me in that shirt, though, I hear: "you're not going to wear THAT, are you? That's a WINTER shirt! Put on a short-sleeved spring shirt!"

(Just as ONLY women would look at a commode and say, "oh, that needs a hat!" only women would describe shirts according to season: fall. Winter. Spring. Summer.)

Or, when it's freezing cold outside, she will bundle me in a sweater and thick shirt. When I get into the car (which has a perfectly good heater, thank you), I roast. When I get to the office (which has a heat pump controlled by a thermostat -- thankfully, set by a man), where it's a consistent 70 degrees all year round, I sweat.

I have learned to choose sweaters that can be quickly removed (when she's not looking). I have learned to choose long-sleeved shirts that are paper-thin (by carefully "bunching" the sleeves, the appearance of thickness is maintained, which satisfies her).

For cool weather (regardless of season), I keep a windbreaker and a light jacket in the car.

(I can't let her see me wear THAT, though, or she'll complain: "that thing's a RAG! Why do you wear it, it's WRINKLED!")

Mumble, mumble, murmee.

Just as some people shouldn't be permitted to buy paint without careful pre-screening (a hot pink and teal house that we pass every day on the way to work comes to mind), so I maintain that all women should be forced to take a course on thermodynamics before being permitted to even APPROACH a thermostat. Or buy clothes for their SO's.

So there.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2001

Answers

What's the deal with women who think that my butt is a good place to warm their feet in bed?

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2001

I thought I'd seen it all when you said that blacks today voted for Satan, but THIS post even trumped THAT one.

I'm in NO WAY a feminist, but I know enough to turn the thermostat up 2 degrees when I'm cold, and turn it DOWN 2 degrees when I'm warm. Actually, I leave the thermostat alone and shed clothing when I'm warm and add clothing when I'm cold.

Just my experience speaking, but women who either BUY or COMMENT ON what their mates wear [regardless of weather] are called Ex-wives. YOU may have married someone to have another mother, but MOST men don't.

I'd agree on the mumble, mumble. Thank goodness we finally agree on SOMETHING.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2001

ROTFLMAO..... Hmmm, apparently I'm the "anti-woman". Cool ;-)

(Lars, LOVE the answer.)

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2001

Speaking of cold feet:

According to the old great Packers team, Vince Lombardi and his wife were in bed, and she said "God, your feet are cold!"

He replied "In bed, dear, you may call me Vincent"

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2001

What's the deal with women who think that my butt is a good place to warm their feet in bed?

It is a good place to warm feet. What's wrong with that? There is a warmer and better place, but that makes a man jump, which defeats the purpose.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2001

Poole:

Women are different from men.

It is good to see than you have been learning a few things here. It makes the site worthwhile.

For example, it is now a scientifically proven fact that men, as a group, will NOT ask for directions when lost; this fact cannot be disputed.

Reminds me of the time, a few years ago, when we were lost in St Louis. It was near dark. The wife wanted to ask someone on the street for directions. He was dressed in black leather and carrying a big chain. It wasn't a good part of town. Asking directions can or cannot be a good idea.

As to the rest of the question, I replaced the thermostat with a computer and kept the wife. After 36 y you become attached.

Best Wishes,,,,

Z

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2001

Clean-up.

Z

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2001

Reminds me of the time, a few years ago, when we were lost in St Louis. It was near dark. The wife wanted to ask someone on the street for directions. He was dressed in black leather and carrying a big chain. It wasn't a good part of town. Asking directions can or cannot be a good idea.

Z--

Sounds like a scene right out of National Lampoon's Vacation.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2001

Stephen, Stephen, Stephen,

You took that woman out of her natural habitat (being the Great North..heh!)

Results not typical.

-- Anonymous, April 09, 2001

What Z said about directions is all too common. I'd say out of about 10 times I've ever asked for directions, 9 of the answers were wrong.

-- Anonymous, April 09, 2001

Hmmm.....coincidence? Speaking of "thermodynamics", I received this little gem in email today:

THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL The following is an actual question given on a University of ashington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

I need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

-- Anonymous, April 09, 2001

off?

(slinking back into my chair.....)

-- Anonymous, April 09, 2001

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2001