Kids are a Great Tax Write-off

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas. THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN... (HONEST AND NO KIDDING): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will however make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weigh when dizzy. The mind of a six year old is wonderful. First Grade...true story. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy S*#!! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Got this from one of my adult children today and have been chuckling ever since.

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), March 30, 2001

Answers

I can laugh at this..my oldest is 29 and the youngest is 20....millions of years ago, my youngest had weebles...he was intrigued by the commercial that said "Weebles wooble but they don't fall down"..he decided to see if they would flush...I heard him in the bathroom (he was three), saying "Bye bye now" and then I heard the toilet flush...he discovered that weebles do ,indeed, flush fairly well. My oldest son had several trips to the pediatrician to discover why his stools were bright green..turns out he ate play dough...we thought he had liver disease. One of our best days was when the oldest son was six. He had decided to play hookey from first grade. He told his sister about it and that little girl agreed not to tell. They left the house together and then he slipped into the back yard. His plan was to hang out under the cottonwood tree and surprise me at noontime for lunch. When he did not show up at school, a block away, I got a phone call. Sister denied knowing anything. police were called, neighbors were as frantic as I was. Turns out he saw all the police cars and the neighbors and assumed there was a bad guy on the loose in the area, so he jumped inside the leaf barrel (he could peek out the holes to watch the show).We found him when he sneezed from mold allergies. I had grey hair in my twenties, and now this is why I am showered with goodies on Mother's Day......God bless.

-- Lesley (martchas@bellsouth.net), March 30, 2001.

Thanks, Leslie and Diane for those laughs :-) Too cute!

-- mary, texas (marylgarcia@aol.com), March 30, 2001.

OOps, sorry I misspelled your name, Lesley.

-- mary, texas (marylgarcia@aol.com), March 30, 2001.

Weebles may flush well, but spoons hang just out of reach and rattle every time you flush:) Large pieces of paper with your latest art work on it should never be set down over a candle. When the kindergarten teacher says 'yes you can play hairdresser' it does not mean you can actually take scissors to your hair. You can make your little sister look like a dalmation for days if you make the spots with permanant marker. String and rope can be tied anywhere to make pretend stalls even if mom can't figure out how to get those knots out and the van is trapped in the garage. Dad's tools are never found until the snow melts. To a toddler, everything goes in the garbage. Oh, yeah, I can relate to the mom from Texas!

-- Epona (crystalepona2000@yahoo.com), March 31, 2001.

I recently found out, as my twenty month old girl showed us... that rabiits enjoy eating one hunderd dollar bills. So much for the house payment!

-- kevin (vantravlrs@aol.com), April 03, 2001.

Howdy, Folks!

My wife sent this thread to me.

Reading it, I again thank the Lord that we have never been "blessed" with children!

Peace and love,

Don

-- Donald Shimoda (enlighten@me.com), April 05, 2001.