These are supposedly actual clippings from church newspapers ....they are particularly funny if you read em when you're really tired!

> Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

> Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

> Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

> Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again,"giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

> The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

> Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

> Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

> The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.

> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

> The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.

> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.

> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

> Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

-- Earthmama (earthmama48@yahoo.com), March 29, 2001

Answers

Ho, ho, ho. Thanks Earthmama, I laughed through the whole list. Sandy

-- Sandy in MN (jpevans_56353@yahoo.com), March 29, 2001.

I had a good laugh , thanks

-- Patty {NY State} (fodfarms@slic.com), March 29, 2001.

Earthmama - Thanks for the laughs. I laughed so much, my son came to see what was wrong with me. Winona

-- Winona in MO (thompsonwin45@hotmail.com), March 29, 2001.

Great laughs, Earthmama!!! Had to copy to show the hubby!

-- Sue Diederich (willow666@rocketmail.com), March 29, 2001.

I can't breathe!! I can't breathe!! Oh, good gracious Lord, give a gal some warning - I nearly made myself sick and the cats are staring at me funny. Hubby almost rolled out of his rocker!

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), March 29, 2001.

Even though I have read a few of these before, I nearly doubled over laughing! Thanks for the experience!

-- sheepish (WA) (rborgo@gte.net), March 29, 2001.

Oh, good gravy, I have tears running out of my eyes! Thanks for that!

-- Betsy in NY (sassyweitzel@yahoo.com), March 30, 2001.

He is another. Church Encounter > > > >A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople >were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan >appeared at the front of the church. > >Everyone started screaming and running for the front >entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get >away from evil incarnate. > >Soon everyone had exited the church except for one >elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without >moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's >ultimate enemy was in his presence. > >So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you >know who I am?" > >The man replied, "Yep, sure do." > >"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. > >"Nope, sure ain't." said the man. > >"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked > Satan. > >"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in >an even tone. > >"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, >physical AGONY for all eternity??" persisted Satan. > >"Yep," was the calm reply. > >"And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan. > >"Nope." > >More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why >aren't you afraid of me?" > >The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister >for over 48 years

-- Patty {NY State} (fodfarms@slic.com), March 30, 2001.