I was in a realationship (2 years living together) that I lost complete control. I let him do everything and tell me what to do and how to react. When he lost interest in me, I freaked. I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I begged and pleaded, called, went to his house and anything else that I could think of to get him back. He filed a restraining order against me, and I violated it. I have been arrested three times. I never did anything to hurt him, I just wanted to gain his attention. I have discovered over the past year and a half that I am bipolar. Basically it means that I am manic depressive. I never meant to hurt my ex. I just couldn't live without him. Now that I have been balanced for about 6 months I have realized something that I never remembered. My ex was violent towards me when I would question him, do something wrong in his eyes, or even be late getting home from where ever I was. I can now see looking back how controlling he was. He would yell at me when I was hit on at a club by someone else even if I didn't do anything to reciprocate. When he decided that he was done with me, I was a child without a parent... I had no where to go and no mind of my own to take me there. Now that I am gaining that back, I am remembering even more things that are painful. Sometimes I wonder if life would be better off without me, because I can't ever seem to do anything right. Especially when I can't remember when things are bad...

I don't understand how I could forget the worst things that he did to me for so long? I don't understand why I am remembering all of this now. Is this normal? I don't understand why I felt that I needed someone so bad who was nothing but a threat to me.

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2001

Answers

Well, a lot of that is contributed to your condition. My mother is dignosed with bi-polar and she went thru the same cycle you went thru. She has the same feelings. But she worked it out. Life does go on ...you either let life get you down or you can enjoy life...but with bipolar it is not that easy. Your choices is brought on by pure emotion and not grounded ones. So it is very hard to break those cycles. But you are probably a very active person who can't sit still. You need a lot of stimulation to keep going or you feel like eveything is going to hell. Keep busy and a lot of your thought patterns will balance more. Do volunteer or whatever....get distracted from being too idle or you'll fall back into those phases. Sincerely, Killian

-- Anonymous, August 15, 2002