- If you leave a loaf of bread in the garage and forget it for about two years, it will become very small and black. Do not attempt to eat it.

- Concrete was invented by the first person who forgot and left a bowl of bread dough unattended for several days.

- The first brick was invented by a kid who decided that he would bake a cake "from scratch."

- Tuna really doesn't work well on pizza.

- Toothpaste makes great glue. Just don't tell your mother that's what is holding up those posters on the wall of your bedroom.

- Cows with buck teeth say "moof."

- Cows cannot belch. If they get excessive gas, they explode.

- If you swallow an Alka-Seltzer tablet whole, you will be grateful that you aren't a cow.

- Chickens have no snot. If they get colds, no one can tell.

- If you have a pet duck, you may think that he and your dog have become great friends, but never leave the duck unmonitored in the dog's presence. The dog's instincts will assert themselves and you will be minus one (1) duck.

- You cannot push a cat into a toilet. The cat will spontaneously grow as many legs and claws as needed to prevent this from happening. He will also insert at least half of these claws into the person attempting to do so.

- Never attempt to outrun your mother. She will grow as many legs and feet as required to catch you. Once she does, she will be in a very bad mood.

- Most homemade parachutes are ineffective.

- If you drop a penny into a light socket, ask your father for another penny. Do NOT attempt to retrieve that one.

- Attempting to emulate Evil Knievel on a bicycle is usually a bad idea.

- When learning to ride a bicycle, becoming familiar with the braking mechanism should be a top priority.

- Yes, farts ARE flammable, but the experiment proving this must be done most carefully.

- Urine, on the other hand, is NOT flammable. Using urine to put out a friend's flaming anus is a judgement call. He may NOT thank you.

- If you're going to strip a piece of lamp cord with your teeth, make SURE it's unplugged first.

- If you're siphoning gas from Dad's car to sneak into your go-cart, you have to remember to remove the hose from your mouth.

- If you set a small fire in the woods to stay warm, make sure you clear all of the other sticks and leaves from around it first. Otherwise, you'll get more fire than you wanted.

- Do not put Superglue into grandma's Polygrip. She won't appreciate the joke.

- Do not put Superglue on the toilet seat, either.

- In fact, you should avoid Superglue entirely. It's cool stuff, but just not worth the trouble.

- You can make a great flamethrower with a can of Lysol and a cigarette lighter. Just remember to point the little hole AWAY from your face.

- When taking the trash out, go ahead and take it all the way to the trashcan. Stuffing it under the house will only work for a while.

- Remember to stand back after lighting the fuse. In some cases, running is an even better idea.

- You cannot flush most articles of clothing down the toilet.

- Socks make great gloves in a pinch. Just be sure to use clean ones or you'll get some of the funniest stares imaginable.

- Never mistake Dad's Preparation H for toothpaste. Then you'll REALLY get some funny stares.

- When kissing a girl for the first time, it's OK to open your eyes. You'll probably find that she's staring right back at you.

-- Anonymous, February 11, 2001

Answers

"- If you set a small fire in the woods to stay warm, make sure you clear all of the other sticks and leaves from around it first. Otherwise, you'll get more fire than you wanted."

Ahem! At about the age of 19 I discovered that some kinds of scarcely broken down soil with a lot of dead tree trunk in it will smolder quite nicely, even though it looks like you built your fire on dirt. The fire in the carefully-constructed stone ring had dived under the ring and traveled about 3 feet between when I went to sleep and when I woke up the next morning.

Lucky for me I didn't start a forest fire in my campsite that night. At 6am a couple of buckets of water stopped the smolder from spreading to a lovely, adjacent dead tree.

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2001

"Son, you can mow the lawn this afternoon, if you want to.

.....and you'd better want to."

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001