Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in the suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street, and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Gore????

Sincerely, Worried About My Reputation

-- Anonymous, January 27, 2001

Answers

Opps! Sorry folks...I faided to see the earlier post on this very same subject...my bad.

-- Anonymous, January 28, 2001

make that 'failed'.

-- Anonymous, January 28, 2001

Barry, I would not advise you to outright lie, but unless she specifically asks, I would caution you NOT to tell ANYONE that your cousin voted for Gore, that would give the impression that your entire lineage has a severe genetic defect!

-- Anonymous, January 29, 2001

OK. Sure, Barry. You have this "friend" who is a crack dealer and all that, and this "friend" (wink, wink) signs himself "Worried About My Reputation" and seeks advice from Dear Abby. Right. I get it.

Tell your "friend" that there is nothing to worry about. His reputation is sh*t already. And nobody believes for a minute that your "friend" voted for Gore.

-- Anonymous, January 30, 2001

Reminder to self: When posting humor, throw in a disclaimer for the thought impaired.

-- Anonymous, January 30, 2001

Barry:

Except for the last sentence, this joke has been around at least since I was a child. The last sentence is where you plug in the target of your choice. Duh.

But I too have found that no matter how comical or preposterous, all attempts at humor just be labeled <-joke or some such, or thoughtless folks like "think" will miss it completely. Kind of like the farmers who paint COW in huge letters on their cows during hunting season.

Another problem -- if you don't label humor as such, you run the risk of looking completely demented. For proof, read anything by Hawk (now posting as coup2k). Yes, it's hilarious. But is it this intentional?

-- Anonymous, January 30, 2001