Subject: A few thoughts to ponder... Subject: Life.......

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? 8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my child is beautiful,but I only have photographs of him on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library,the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. ______________________________________________

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), January 18, 2001

Answers

sharon,

This is on its way to the printer at work right now! The guys on "real shift" will love it. Thanks for the laugh.

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), January 18, 2001.

Very funny!!!! Here are some English language points to ponder!

------------ The English Language----------------- There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine. English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

-- Jason (AJAMA5@netscape.net), January 18, 2001.

i am not sure....let me ask the wise chinese philopher, Confuse-us. lol

gene

-- gene ward (GWARD34847@AOL.COM), January 18, 2001.

Oh, you all, these were so good! Gonna print them out, they're real keepers. Thanks for the laughs.

-- Annie (mistletoe@earthlink.net), January 18, 2001.

Oh these were good for a well needed laugh. I am sharing with my email pals. Thanks :)

-- Shau Marie (shau@centurytel.net), January 18, 2001.

What a great way to start the day. I had better stop now before I read another thread that makes me cry, I'll save that for tonight. Have a great day all! P.S. Wish I were clever enough to add a thought to this thread, you guys are good.

-- Tina (clia88@newmexico.com), January 19, 2001.