Send in some one-liners folks - and be willing to have 'em printed if Countryside decides we could use a little humor!

You might just be a homesteader .....

......if you're worried that you might not have enough garbage to feed your chickens AND your worms....

-- Polly (tigger@moultrie.com), January 18, 2001

Answers

if you pass up a night on the town with your city friends to stay home with a sick rooster.

-- Cindy (SE IN.) (atilrthehony_1@yahoo.com), January 18, 2001.

If you go through the grocery store dumpster for cardboard to mulch your garden.

If you go through the recycle bin for mayo jars to can in.

-- Cindy (SE IN.) (atilrthehony_1@yahoo.com), January 18, 2001.

If the first thing your grandchildren (kids, friends, etc.) do when they get to your house is check and see what is in the bath tub. (goat kids, orphan pig, injured duck etc.)

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), January 18, 2001.

...if you carry your well water in bottles to your mother-in-law's in the 'burbs because you can no longer stand the taste of city water.

(:raig

-- Craig Miller (CMiller@ssd.com), January 18, 2001.

..... if your idea of a great present (birthday, Christmas, anniversary) is a pressure canner, or a disbudding iron for your goats, or perhaps a circular saw.

-- Kathleen Sanderson (stonycft@worldpath.net), January 18, 2001.

...if, unlike the city slickers, you really do need a 4 wheel drive just to get up the driveway cause you live so far out!

-- Annie (mistletoe@earthlink.net), January 18, 2001.

Thought on this as I did the chores...If your idea of a pair of heels is a pair of black rubber boots! If you consider your hair fixed if you have it in a ponytail by noon! If you start hanging out in front of Walmart instead of going in with a sign that says...free pups,kittens or whatever else seems to be adopting you at the time. If you consider going out to eat as eating outside on the picnic table. If what you consider sleeping in is actually after the sun comes up!

-- Nan (davidl41@ipa.net), January 18, 2001.

Oh..If you consider proper dinner conversation is calving, lambing, or anything that would gag your city friends.

-- Nan (davidl41@ipa.net), January 18, 2001.

If your relatives no longer recognize you when they bump into you,because it's been that long since you've been out and about.

When the vehicle you use, and prefer, the most is a farm vehicle.

If you been accused of not wanting to join the 20th century,let alone the 21st.

If your idea of a perfect mall is a building supply auction.

If your idea of a fantastic shopping trip is a truck overloaded with discounted building supplies.

If it's time to pick up provisions and you argue about who has the go to town.

If you get one channel on TV,and it's a fuzzy one yet.And PBS.

If you live in paradise.

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), January 18, 2001.

I Love this one : When you have three out buildings and they are all full of things others have thrown away or you have found and it's "really good stuff".

When you have 100's of catalogs but they are all for seed, garden, farm and animal supplies!

When your friends think you have lost your mind because you ask for a pair of pruners,beekeeping equip., fruit trees,or sprinklers for a new garden bed for your birthday, anniversary, Christmas and Easter!!!

-- Debbie T in N.C. (rdtyner@mindspring.com), January 18, 2001.

....if you have ever received a chainsaw for your birthday and were thrilled.

....if your clothes dryer is the non-electric kind.

....if your local feed store owner sends you christmas cards

....if you can talk one of your friends into a coma about your new hive of bees.

....if you have to get dressed up for something and it's been so long that you forgot where you keep your makeup.

....if you know how many bales of hay you can squeeze into your car.

....if you have ever driven through town with a calf in the backseat with his head out the window.

Well after a long absence I'm back. I figure if Hoot can do it so can I. I'll just pray for folks and try and hold my tongue. God bless you all.

-- Amanda in Mo (aseley@townsqr.com), January 18, 2001.

I just love you guys! This is great.....and another one....If you can't for the life of ya' tell what color the truck used to be! and if the nice vehicle is the one without the flat bed! and if the nice vehicle only has the crack that goes half-way up the windshield!

-- Nan (davidl41@ipa.net), January 18, 2001.

This one is true (this month at least!)

...if you have ever paid your phone bill late because you spent the last of the bill money on your Countryside subscription!

And others:

...if you slow down on the highway everytime you see something "salvagable"-looking on the side of the road.

...if your barn and the lumber yard/hardware store/feed store are beginning to appear indistinguishable.

...if you're not within walking distance to your mailbox if the weather's ugly.

...if you come home with more stuff in your pickup than you left with when you visit the dump.

...if you actually know what they call that wool around a sheep's eyes!

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), January 18, 2001.

...if you write a sizable check at the feed store, start visiting with someone and forget to leave the check but the feed store owner isn't worried 'cuz he knows you will be back soon. (I did this about 2 weeks ago. Embarrassed myself no end but they said no problem. I hadn't been around any people but husband because of the snowy roads and I guess I was having an "I Love Lucy" moment.)

...if you have boots for wet weather, insulated boots for cold weather, heavily insulated boots for really cold weather but no shoes you could wear to a funeral.

...if your wardrobe consists of good jeans, not so good jeans, barn clothes, T-shirts and shirts your husband or nearly grown sons won't wear any more.

Love the one about the garbage to feed worms and chickens! I said that very thing to my husband a few days ago.

-- marilyn (rainbow@ktis.net), January 18, 2001.

You simply HAVE to dress up this time, no sick rooster excuse will get you out of it, and you suddenly realize that you don't have a slip to wear under your dress cuz you ripped it into bedding material for the last batch of bunnies!!

-- Katie (ktthegardener@yahoo.com), January 18, 2001.

...if perfect fruit and vegetables make you suspicious, not hungry! ...if your idea of relaxing is to weed the flowerbed. Or brush a goat. ...if nearly everything you wear came from the thrift store, or the dump! ....if you find yourself thinking of people in terms of their 'conformation'. Good dairy character, strength of bone, strong leg and hip assemblies... ...if you inadvertently refer to your births as kiddings,lambings, or calvings. ...if, on your rare trip to the grocery store, you select items because they have handy containers that can be reused.

-- Rebekah (daniel1@itss.net), January 18, 2001.

LOL!! I actually do select grocery items for their containers! HEE HEE HEE!!!!

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), January 18, 2001.

If you have ever had a bathtub full of baby chicks.

If you can't remember when you got your last hair cut.

If when you say you dryer is broke, you mean the clothsline snapped.

If your best friend is really your dog.

If you can't remember the last book you read that wasn't about animals and their care.

If you have ever spent the night in the barn because one of your animals was sick.

If you say your meat is fresh, you mean this morning it was still running around.

If you know the true meaning of "a chicken with his head cut off".

If you plan your meals by what needs to be ate.

To you relaxing means your asleep.

This is fun!!!

-- Shau Marie (shau@centurytel.net), January 18, 2001.

I thought of a few more.

When people get lost on the back roads trying to find your house.

If getting exercise means doing chores.

You never lock your car doors, what would they steal.

Shopping means getting out your catalogs.

When you get up before your alarm clock, because the rooster overslept.

When you say you are watching your kids play, you mean your goats.

The only spring cleaning you do is in the barn.

-- Shau Marie (shau@centurytel.net), January 18, 2001.

when your 4 year old daughter asks the lady at church when she is going to 'lay' her baby. ( i guess she is spending too much time with the hens.)

-- sherry (Calfarm@msn.com), January 18, 2001.

I promise this is the last one!!

If you ever bought something and paid the person off with eggs.

No kidding we bought a used car this way. Hey i have good eggs, but $50.00 still takes awhile.

-- Shau Marie (shau@centurytel.net), January 18, 2001.

How about if you spend $40 at the feedstore and $4 at the grocery store.

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), January 18, 2001.

If you don't know who played in the Superbowl, but you do know the gestation length of a goat.

-- Laura Jensen (lrjensen@nwlink.com), January 19, 2001.

The state department of taxation wants to know how much you got for your used pickup truck and you say 'a 2 year old filly'.

You go to the local recycling center and ask for the used newspapers because you're starting new raised beds and don't have enough paper feed sacks left to do the job.

You ever drove into a lake taking 'a shortcut' through the woods.

Whenever you've got a doctor or dentist appointment and you tell someone 'I've gotta go to the vet's now--'

...AND you know how many bales of hay you can balance on top of your car/truck if you tie them down and don't drive too fast.

-- Julie Froelich (firefly1@nnex.net), January 19, 2001.

.....if you bring home all the used tires you can find for your baby goats playground.

.....if during a tornado warning you have to lay a blanket down in the shower stall so there's enough room in the bathroom for you and 6 dogs and 1 cat.

......if you've ever carried an orphan foal into the house during a tornado warning or bad storm.

......if the only reason some people come to see you is to see if you have "too many eggs".

......if your arm is sore from trying to throw over-ripe tomatoes all the way over the driveway and into the pasture for the chickens and goats.

......if the only hot, fast food you crave is coffee.

......if your wheelbarrow falls over and spills more than twice a week because it's overly loaded.

-- Cindy in Ky (solidrockranch@msn.com), January 19, 2001.

If you go out to eat at a nice resuarant and think, "I sure wish I was home eating my own home-grown, home cooking!!"

-- (trigger@mcn.net), January 19, 2001.

Your idea of breakfast, when hubby is out of state working, is eating some of the cornmeal mash you made for the chickens...and liking it!

Your hot water has frozen and you heat water on the stove for the chickens and skip washing your hair.

When your husband tells you that you talk way too much about your chickens.

-- Tina (clia88@newmexico.com), January 19, 2001.

When you live so far out on a dirt road that the Fed Ex. guy can't find you! ( he didn't like my suggestion of following the UPS guy!)

When you talk to your chickens, cows, dogs, cats, fish and garden plants and you figure they give a pretty good answer to your questions!

When you'd rather be weeding the garden because you need the peace and quiet and that is the only place you know your kids won't follow you.(voluntarily)

When you realize that if you were to be stuck in your basement for a lifetime, you would probably be well fed!

-- Nan (davidl41@ipa.net), January 19, 2001.

If you use your grandsons playpen for babychicks. If your meat falls off the grill and you fight the dog for it.

-- Lynn (mscratch1@semo.net), January 19, 2001.

When you lean your jacket pocket up agaist something and the crunch reminds you that you put an egg in there.

If you carry your spoiled cat around the garden first thing in the morning.

-- Cindy (SE IN.) (atilrthehony_1@yahoo.com), January 19, 2001.

If your three years old can make all the sounds a mom cow makes to her calf and all the sounds the baby makes back with amazing acuracy.

If you'd rather watch the chickens than the t.v.

-- Darcy in NW WA (gatecity@teforward.com), January 19, 2001.

Funny Cindy, done both of those. The egg thing happens to me all of the time! I've even sent the egg through the wash before I knew it was there! YUCK!

-- Nan (davidl41@ipa.net), January 19, 2001.

I guess I'm a homesteader -- it's amazing how many of these are true at our house! When our youngest daughter, the one that's autistic, was in a special-ed preschool, they didn't have to pull the string on the see 'n' say toy -- they just pointed to the animal and Juniper would do its sound perfectly. Her teachers thought that was pretty neat, but it took years to get her to *stop* with the animal sounds and talk!!

-- Kathleen Sanderson (stonycft@worldpath.net), January 19, 2001.

...When you son can make the sounds of an old "poppin' Johnny" tractor so convincingly that Hubby in the other room wants to know WHO is messing with the tractor!

...When your Pre-school child flunks a part of a test, where the teacher asks which animal you get milk from. He thought the kangaroo looked much more like a goat Mama milked than the cow!

...When you are much more comfortable in your workboots than the $3.00 Walmart heels that you bought for church.

-- Leann Banta (thelionandlamb@hotmail.com), January 19, 2001.

Ya know your a homsteader when ya trade your motorcycle for a tractor & a brush hog . Been there done that :)

-- Lee (sgrmtndrone@yahoo.com), January 20, 2001.

When you find out that your son has described how to band a calf for show and tell in kindergarten! The teacher said that she was laughing to hard to stop him. (apparently he was very good at describing the details!)

-- Nan (davidl41@ipa.net), January 20, 2001.

Oh..forgot to say that was about 10 years ago before we moved way out here, and before we started homeschooling. He is MUCH worse now!HAHA!

-- Nan (davidl41@ipa.net), January 20, 2001.

Good one Nan, didn't think about that. I guess one would be when your children can describe in show and tell the facts of life far more than a lot of people want their kids to know???? Oh, that was a bit embarrassing!!!!

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), January 20, 2001.

When you look forward to getting your CENEX Co-Op dividend instead of the REI (Recreational Equipment, Inc.) Co-Op dividend.

-- Skip Walton (sundaycreek@gnrac.net), January 20, 2001.

I almost hurt myself trying not to laugh loud anough to wake my sleeping baby! The fear of pretty veggies and accidental egg crunchings are far to familar for me, not to mention the fact that if I were stuck in my basement after a tornado, I too would be able to live off the wintering bunnies and tators, carrots, and turnups!

.....if anyone has ever come to your door to see if you have more pups yet

.....if you spend more on your aniamls housing upkeep than your own

.....if you passed up the test driving the cheap sports car for the opportunity to drive a REALLY BIG FOUR WHEEL DRIVE

.....if you've ever tried to figure out how to make your own cheerios and wheaties

.....if your convinced that if you work long anough, you'll get the rabbit sausage just right, and nobody will know the difference

-- Marty (Mrs.Puck@Excite.com), January 20, 2001.

You just might be a homesteader if......

When your kids whine that they're hungry, you hand them a pail and send them outside. They are homesteader kids if the come back in with a messy faces, full bellies and an empty pail.

When you are shopping in town and your pre-school son announces he needs to go potty then runs outside to the parking lot landscaping. (thank God I have daughters)

When hubby buys you that 8# splitting maul for your birthday because the 6# one wasn't heavy enough to do a good job.

When you threaten your daughter "Clean your room or else..." she hurries to the barn and starts mucking.

You hear coyotes and they are awfully close to the house. You grab your rifle and run out the door. Then you see your youngest daughter hanging out the window howling.

A big storm knocks the power out in the whole county for 24 hours and you never noticed.

When hit with a big windstorm your first though is "Yay, more firewood!"

When an adult asks your child what she wants to be when she grows up and she tell them, "I dunno, I'm too busy having fun as a kid."

-- Laura (gsend@hotmail.com), January 20, 2001.

Ok I'm gona try some..... If your idea of the "perfect date" is going to the auction to buy calves.... If you will only take a job because it dosen't conflict with your milking or bottle feeding time.... If your parent's threatin to kick you out of the house and you are glad because that maens you get to sleep in the barn... If you come in the house and your "non-homesteader dad complanes that you smell like your (cow, shhep, goats, ect.) and you take it as a complament ....

-- SharRon (Turnaquete@aol.com), January 20, 2001.

sorry about the bad spelling....

-- SharRon (turnaquete@aol.com), January 20, 2001.

Nan, it doesn't have to be your own child who gives such a lesson. In the early 80's, I was a substitute teacher in a local elementary school regularly enough that I knew my students and vice versa. The family of one of my first graders raised registered Herefords. He was very active in it, couldn't wait for his cows to calve or for the show season to start and talked about the cattle constantly. While walking to the cafeteria one day, Andy pops up and asks if we did AI with our goats. Hoping, praying, that the other kids didn't hear him and want to know what AI was, I just answered that we didn't, but we knew a few people who had goats and cattle and they did. In an effort to end the conversation, I told Andy it wasn't that common and I didn't know much about it. We had reached the cafeteria door when he thought of another question but I scooted away to help my little charges get trays, etc. before he could deliver it. When I next saw his mom, we both had tears from laughing as it was so typical of that precocious little boy.

I'm really going to miss this thread when others push it off the board.

-- marilyn (rainbow@ktis.net), January 21, 2001.

You might just be a homesteader...

..if your son asks if we're having company just because you are cleaning the house.

(I spend more time outside then in.)

-- Dee (gdgtur@goes.com), January 21, 2001.

When You go to pick up your son after the first day of school and the teacher ask you to talk to him about where he is suppose to use the bathroom and when he "goes" to please shut the door! Seems that he went out on the front porch and let it rip--she scolded him and the next time he went to the restroom but didn't find it important to close the door!! He's now 23yrs. old and his choosen "Bathroom" is outside!

When your Mom and Dad come to visit-for the week-end! At breakfast your dad says "boy, is it dark when the lights go out!"And you go to visit them and can't sleep because it's too light when the lights go out!

-- Debbie T in N.C. (rdtyner@mindspring.com), January 21, 2001.

If your 18 month olds favorite new toy is the firewood in the living room .

If one of your childs first sentences is moo more milk .

If your most expensive outfit is your carharts.

-- Patty {NY State} (fodfarms@slic.com), January 21, 2001.

5 year old boy "hates" the weasel that kills the chickens, and the 4 year old corrects you when you joke about the "milk cow" and she reminds you that we have beef cows and she is serious and correct.

-- Tom (Calfarm@msn.com), January 21, 2001.

...if your newest doeling looks exactly like one of your nieces and your barn cat's the spittin image of your youngest nephew....it's true!

-- Doreen (animalwaitress@excite.com), January 22, 2001.

...when you have to buy diapers to put on the newborn lambs that are running around your house because their mother rejected them.

...when you have pot-bellied pigs living in your basement for the winter because it's too cold to keep them in the barn.

I loved the cracked egg in the pocket thing, happens all the time!!!

-- Kathy (jubilant@ncweb.com), January 22, 2001.

How about : You might be a homesteaders child if you bbq every rooster that chases you and enjoy every bite .{This is my 8 year olds solution to mean roosters and she demands on eating them!} PS I woder if this is how Jeffery Dommer started ?

-- Patty {NY State} (fodfarms@slic.com), January 22, 2001.

Ok...just happened not 5 minutes ago! My oldest, the one of kindergarten fame, just came in from choring and said,"mom, I just found a deer head in the yard with the backbone attached!" and I said "Cool, keep it and we'll use the horns for a coat rack!" Told you he was worse now!!!I love that boy!

-- Nan (davidl41@ipa.net), January 22, 2001.

Oh, Lordy! We were forever bringing home cow vertebrae from the pasture across the road as a kid. Mom used them as candle holders - perfectly functional, but somewhat disconcerting to guests. Tapers fit just so perfectly in the hole!

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), January 22, 2001.

.....if when you have people over, your boys ignore the fancy cars and begin drooling over the "really cool,awsome horse trailer".

.....if your 10yos can describe(in detail)the signs of a goat about to kid and a cow about to calve.

.....if you spend more on your kids work/play clothes than you do their town clothes.

-- Barbara Ternes (lbfarm@hit.net), January 22, 2001.

....when someone asks you what your best Christmas present ever was and it's a toss up between the bottle steer calf and the Elmer Fudd hat lined with rabbit fur for doing chores !

....when your husband asks what you want for your birthday and you say weiner pigs !

....when your family shows up EARLY for Thanksgiving dinner and catches you washing the bottle kid in the kitchen sink ! (After all, it's a special occasion and everyone else had to get cleaned up !!!)

-- Monica (zpepenovia@excite.com), January 22, 2001.

Don't forget the jacket pocket full of nails and fence staples! Ouch! Bumped them a few times! How about putting hay in the trunk of a rental car when mines in the shop!! Someone told me "You can't do that" I said are the rental police going to get me?? Brought a minature filly home in the back of our Jeep.

-- PJ (zpjc5_@hotmail.com), January 23, 2001.

....when your family asks you if your keeping warm every time they call....when you get excited about the new varieties you're going to grow in the garden this year(and its only January)....when your idea of a good time is going to the sale barn........when the movie store clerk tells you this is the second movie this year you've checked out and you're excited about it.

-- Michelle (lucabanks@netscape.net), January 23, 2001.