Hello,

I've been having some thoughts that I didn't know who to share with, so I'll share them here and hopefully get some insight.

I've been dating a wonderful, wonderful guy for about five months. My first love, my first sexual partner. The sex is great but every once in awhile it seems like no matter what, I can't have an orgasm, and I get really freaked out about it. Then sometimes he can't have one. I don't know what the problem is but I feel like I'm doing something wrong, and I hate it.

The other thing is that I'm almost always up for sex, but sometimes he isn't, and I take it as rejection and start feeling down about it. I don't know what to do about that either

Katie, I know you are sexually experienced so I would appreciate some insight, thank you.

-- Anonymous, January 12, 2001

Answers

Um, are you implying that I possess expansive knowledge of failed sexual experiences? I'm insulted!

Anyway...

Well, there are going to be times when things just don't click between the two of you. It happens, and it could be anything; your genitals have off days too, you know...

As for the orgasm, here's my advice. Don't start thinking about it while you're bootyknockin'. It'll just make it worse if you're trying to have an orgasm and you keep thinking, "Oh my god, what if I don't have one? What's wrong with me? What if he starts getting bored waiting for me to have one? Ack!"

Yeah. Don't do that. Then you'll never have one. Just don't think. At all. I mean, think about how good it feels (hopefully it feels good, otherwise you've definitely got a problem), but that's it.

Always being up for sex: Yeeeeah, I know how that goes. But you have to give the little buddy a break sometime, girl...

-- Anonymous, January 12, 2001

buy a vibrator.

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2001

Heh, well, I don't have any first hand experience with this particular problem directly, but I'm studying Human Sexuality, so I know a lot about sex in general. Heh.

So, I think Katie's definitely right about relaxing and not having sex to have an orgasm, just having it for enjoyment, and you might want to try being on top as that sometimes allows for more stimulation and/or digitally (that is, with your fingers) stimulating your clitoris (I'm making the extremely heterosexist assumption that you're female. Normally I don't do this but I think in this case my assumption is correct, so I'll continue..) while you're having sex. Many women can't have orgasms while having sex and that's just the way they are; it's nothing to worry about and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, though it can be frustrating, I'm sure. Also, if it's your first love and first physical partner, obviously you're on the young side, and there's no reason you should feel like there's something wrong...it takes a while to find out what feels good with another partner (even if you've had partners in the past it's normal to take a while getting used to a new partner.) So don't worry about it! If you feel the need, though, there are a lot of books you can read about techniques for relaxing sexually, if that's a problem you're having, and also more physical-type techniques for female orgasm.

There's also always the option of him stimulating you manually or orally.

As for him not always being "up for" sex (heh), try talking to him about that when it happens, tell him how you feel and talk about it. That

-- Anonymous, January 15, 2001

hey girls... this is just what I've been looking for because I have some sex questions to ask! I'm 15, and it's my 16th birthday in may. This boy I know, A, we talk a lot and we find each other attractive. He lives a long way away but still in the United Kingdom! We've been talking on the 'net and on the phone for 5 months even though we've KNOWN each other for longer than that. He's going to come down in the summer, after my birthday and I think sex will be an issue since we find each other attractive and we have done stuff like on the phone. I've asked my mum if he can come down in the summer and stay for two nights and she's said yes but what I would like is for her and my dad to like.. go away so me and A can have time alone so if we DO have a sexual connection, we're not going to get walked in on... But how am I going to ask my mum? "Hey mum, when A comes down to stay, could you and dad go away like on a golf weekend or something so we can shag?" I think not. Also, A's really into oral sex, (giving head) but I think I have something like thrush or something so I have to get the guts to go to a sex clinic or something... I don't knowwwwwwww

-- Anonymous, January 15, 2001

I don't have any advice about getting your parents out of the house, but if you have a yeast infection (I'm assuming that's what you mean by thrush...though I've only ever heard the word thrush to describe oral yeast infections) you could just use an over-the-counter ointment such as miconazole or clotrimazole (though I don't think I know any brand names...err...monostat, or something? Maybe some girls can recommend) but if you're not 100% sure it's a yeast infection, you really should go see a doctor/go to a clinic..I'm sure I sound like a typical sex educator here, but if you're mature enough to have sex, you should be mature enough to take care of your body! It's such an important thing to do...

-- Anonymous, January 15, 2001

Ah, yeast infections. The bane of my existence ... yes, thrush is typically only used to describe oral yeast infections, and I'm going to guess that you actually meant a vaginal one, and if you didn't, well, then, if you ever have a vaginal yeast infection, this advice will serve you well. :) A good way to ascertain whether or not you've actually got one is to insert your finger into your vagina and move it around a bit, and when you pull it out, if there is substance on your finger that resembles cottage cheese (i.e. little specks of white) then you have most likely have a yeast infection. There are tons of ways to treat them, though, running to the drugstore for a hideously overpriced Monistat kit is not always the only solution; also, since those kits are so strong, the yeast bacteria can develop an immunity to them and, well ... that's what most ladies would probably not so fondly refer to as HELL. :) There's a great, wonderful, amazing yeast infection website that you should check out: http://www.msu.edu/user/eisthen/yeast/

-- Anonymous, January 16, 2001

"A good way to ascertain whether or not you've actually got one is to insert your finger into your vagina and move it around a bit, and when you pull it out, if there is substance on your finger that resembles cottage cheese (i.e. little specks of white) then you have most likely have a yeast infection. "

If I was eating something when I read that, I would've thrown up. You should have put a warning saying "do not read this if you don't have a vagina" or something.

-dan

-- Anonymous, January 16, 2001

Wow. thanks for answering! ooh, I'm embarrassed about calling it the wrong thing but I always thought it was called Thrush or something? hmm... now, any hints on how to be alone when A comes over?

-- Anonymous, January 16, 2001

I think you mean "Don't read this if you don't have a vagina or aren't mature enough to hear about biology."

One doesn't have to have a vagina to cope with hearing about them. ::rolls his eyes

-- Anonymous, January 17, 2001

Don't roll your eyes at me, ho. That's gross.

-dan

-- Anonymous, January 17, 2001

How to get the parents away....... is the date alreayd set for when he's coming? Cos if not then set it for a day when your parents are out, then the fun can begin!

-- Anonymous, January 17, 2001

May I suggest a fabulous book? The Guide to Getting It On, by Paul Joannides. Both Katie and I own a copy and know she loves it, as do I.

Happy reading.

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2001

That book rocks my socks.

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2001

Pinkie, is there an option other than your house? Because most parents can sniff out the reasons for a kid wanting to get rid of them. I don't know your parents, of course, but I'd guess they wouldn't be too happy with their 15-year-old daughter shagging in their absence....

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2001

No, there's no option other than my house. But they do play golf a lot on the weekends. Oh and I'll be 16 then.

-- Anonymous, January 29, 2001

Two words: hotel room.

-- Anonymous, January 29, 2001

And Two More Words: No Money.

-- Anonymous, January 30, 2001

You can't do some odd jobs between now and the summer to work up some cash? How about A? Can he get a job, or borrow money?

-- Anonymous, January 30, 2001

Hmm.. I do have a part time job, cleaning but all my money's being used at the moment since there's the school prom next week and I still have to get a dress and a bag and I have to give money towards the limo I'm sharing so that'll be hard for a while. Thanks for your advice though people! It's beeen fun, talking to you guys!

-- Anonymous, January 30, 2001

ha, i guess i'm a little late, but trust me; sex always finds a way. haha.

-- Anonymous, February 09, 2001