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12 Politically Correct Days of the Non-Religious Midwinter FestivalOn the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,
AND A Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
-- Anonymous, December 22, 2000
http://www.pncbank.com/12days/The 2000 Christmas Price Index (CPI), which is the cost of the gifts in the age-old song "The 12 Days of Christmas" has risen again. Each year since 1984, PNC Advisors has provided a tongue-in-cheek tracking of the goods and services purchased by the "True Love" in the holiday classic. Unlike the 5.1 percent spike observed in 1999, the increase this year of 1.8 percent is less than the energy induced Consumer Price Index of 3.4%.
Despite this modest increase, the extravagant gifts from a partridge in a pear tree to the 12 drummers drumming are not for the budget-conscious shopper, with a price tag of $15,210. Interestingly, the same gifts priced over the Internet would cost $23,103, an increase mostly due to shipping and handling charges. While some items, like the five golden rings and pear tree, were less expensive online, others, such as the French hens and the maids-a-milking, cost more. After adding the costs of shipping or travel, PNC Advisors found that purchasing over the Web can significantly increase one's overall cost of Christmas.
"In the 16 years that PNC Advisors has been tracking the 'cost of Christmas,' this is the first time we compared online versus retail shopping for these famous gifts," said Don Berdine, chief investment officer, PNC Advisors. "Some of these higher prices may be reflective of the volatility we've seen in the NASDAQ recently as the high-tech companies continually struggle with maintaining strong growth. We don't see many bargains on the net."
According to Berdine, the tight labor market in the entertainment sector pushed up the prices for the lords, pipers and drummers this year, ranging from a 3.50 to 4.76 percent increase. This uptick is similar to the inflationary trends in the service sector of the U.S. economy as a whole, he noted.
"The most popular item without a doubt is the five golden rings, although True Loves today prefer platinum, two-tone or diamonds over plain gold rings," said Rebekah McCahan, Investment Strategist, PNC Advisors. "The plain gold bands are not as hot an item this holiday season, and consequently do not demand a higher price. Nevertheless, jewelry of any kind is timeless and has been very popular throughout the ages as a gift to give at Christmas."
The generous giver, who decides to purchase all 364 gifts, including all of the repetitions in the song, will be set back over $60,000…the "true cost of Christmas" for 2000. McCahan commented that perhaps the True Loves who seek a special gift for their beloved this holiday season should consider something more practical, especially if their pocketbooks are suffering the consequences of participation in the stock market this past year.
-- Anonymous, December 23, 2000
oops...
-- Anonymous, December 23, 2000
The 12 Days of Christmas Love Notes1st DAY
My dearest Darling John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree! What a truly delightful gift. Thank you 'Darling' for the lovely thought.
With deep love & affection,
Your ever loving Agnes!
2nd DAY
My Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift -- Two Turtle Doves, I am Delighted. They are adorable!
All my love,
Your ever loving Agnes!
3rd DAY
Dearest John,
Oh! How extravagant you are! I really must protest! I don't deserve such generosity! Three french hens I insist....you are too kind!
Your loving Agnes!
4th DAY
Dearest John,
The four calling birds that I received today are lovely, and should be good company for the hens, doves and partridges! I really must consider getting an aviary!
Kind regards,
Agnes!
5th DAY
Dear John,
What a surprise ... today the postman delivered Five Gold Rings!- One for every finger. You are really impossible, but I love you. Frankly though, all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves!
Regards,
Agnes!
6th DAY
Dear Johnathon!,
When I open the door this morning there were actually six bloody great geese laying eggs ALL over the porch! What in hell do you expect me to do with all of them?? The neighbors are beginning to complain and I can't sleep! PLEASE STOP!!!!
Cordially Yours,
Agnes!
7th DAY
JOHN!
What is it with you and these rotten birds??? Now I get SEVEN SWANS A-SWIMMING!!!!!!!!!! IS THIS SOME SORT OF A GOD DAMMED JOKE????? The house is full of BIRD SHIT and IT IS NOT FUNNY ANY MORE!!! Stop sending these bloody Birds!!!!!
Yours,
Agnes!
8th DAY
O.K. BUSTER,
I THINK I PREFER THE GOD DAMMED BIRDS.... WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT BLOODY MAIDS-A-MILKING?????? AS IF IT WASN'T ENOUGH WITH ALL THE F**KING BIRDS!! NOW I HAVE EIGHT COWS TO SHIT ALL OVER THE PLACE AND MOO ALL NIGHT.......
AGNES!
9th DAY
LOOK DICKHEAD!
WHAT ARE YOU???? SOME KIND OF NUT???? NOW YOU SEND ME NINE PIPERS PLAYING AND THEY NEVER F**KING WELL STOP!!! WHEN THEY ARE NOT PLAYING THEIR BLOODY PIPES THEY KEEP CHASING THE MAIDS THROUGH THE COW SHIT. THE COWS KEEP MOOING AND TREADING ALL OVER THE BIRDS. THE NEIGHBORS ARE NOW THREATENING TO HAVE ME EVICTED...GET KNOTTED!
AGNES!
10th DAY
YOU ROTTEN BASTARD!
NOW I HAVE TEN LADIES DANCING....HOW ON EARTH ANY ONE CAN CALL THE WHORES, "LADIES", IS BEYOND ME!! THEY SPEND ALL NIGHT PULLING THE BLOODY PIPERS!!! THE COWS HAVE DIARRHOEA AND CAN'T SLEEP. MY LIVING ROOM IS A SEA OF SHIT. THE LANDLORD HAS JUST DECLARED THE BUILDING UNFIT FOR HABITATION..MINE OR THE ANIMALS'!!! PISS OFF....
AGNES!
11th DAY
LISTEN SHITFACE,
WITH ELEVEN LORDS A-LEAPING ALL OVER THE MAIDS A-MILKING, WELL, WE SHALL NEVER WALK AGAIN!!!! THE PIPERS ARE FIGHTING THE LORDS FOR A BIT OF TIT AND COMMITTING SODOMY WITH THE COWS!!! THE BIRDS HAVE ALL BEEN TRAMPLED TO DEATH AND ARE ROTTING IN THE SHIT HAVING BEEN TRAMPLED IN THE ORGY!! I HOPE YOU ARE SATISFIED ...YOU BASTARD!!!!
YOUR SWORN ENEMY,
AGNES!
12th DAY
YOU STINKING LOUSY PRICK!
THE TWELVE DRUMMERS DRUMMING HAVE TEAMED UP WITH THE ELEVEN LORDS A-LEAPING IN MAKING ONE HELL OF A RACKET. BOTH LOTS HAVE BEEN BUGGERING THE PIPERS AS WELL AS THE COWS.... AND WHO KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MAIDS. THEY HAVE PROBABLY DROWNED IN THE COW SHIT BY NOW!!!! THE ONLY WAY I HAVE SAVED MYSELF IS TO LOCK MYSELF IN THE BATHROOM AND TO HIDE IN THE PEAR TREE WHICH HAS NOW GROWN THROUGH THE ROOF! YOU ROTTEN BASTARD! THANK GOD IT IS FINALLY CHRISTMAS......
AGNES!
13th DAY
Mr. Jonathan Miller
RE.: Agnes Brown
Dear Mr. Miller,
We are writing on behalf of Ms. Brown who has retained us to advise you as follows:
1. Your contacting her by any means will be responded to with any means lawfully available to us to initiate proceedings against you that will result in maximum penalty.
We are hereby advising you that these may include harassment, mental cruelty, trespassing, mischief, invasion of privacy, disturbing of the peace, causing undue hardship, unlicensed transport of livestock, unsolicited mailings, pre-meditated damages, failure to procure veterinary health certificates, disregard of regulations of the Federal Agricultural Act., Health Standard Code, Public Entertainment Licensing, being an accessory to illicit sexual conduct, and prostitution. breach of local bylaw OB/A.[gr.XXV (a(iv) (1846))], Precedent ruling Jerk vs. Jerk and possibly more.
2. Disregarding the above will result in court proceedings in which damages of at least $2.4 million will be sought, as well as reimbursement of clean-up and eviction related expenses.
We strongly recommend you heed this notification.
Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe
Attorneys at Law
-- Anonymous, December 23, 2000
Here is the link if anyone wants to track Santa -- they go "live" tomorrow.
(I'm Here, that one is probably my favorite "Christmas Humor"; I never get tired of reading it. It evokes quite a visual in the mind.)
-- Anonymous, December 23, 2000